How To Acquire Understanding?

Transcript

Hi everybody, welcome back on another podcast, Soulish femme.  My name is Glennavelle, to those of you who are here for the first time, I would like to welcome you. In today’s topic is somewhat correlates to the one that I have said last week and how to deal with difficult people. In today’s topic, I’m not really sure how to title this. Perhaps, I should title this, “How to acquire understanding or how to possess a spirit of understanding?” I have been rereading my journal and apparently, it’s always been the same topic that God wants to deal with my heart. Anything that I’m sharing on my podcast is something that God is dealing with my heart. Time and time again, God would bring me back to the same problem which is understanding. 

According to Proverbs 17:27 that says “A man of understanding is of calm spirit.” Therefore, in order for you to really become mature in this world, we must activate or operate in calmness and understanding. Understanding for me, I believe, according to the definition is sympathetically aware of somebody else’s feelings and emotions. Sympathetically aware. Putting yourself in other people’s shoes. Of course, as I always say, it’s easier said than done because we don’t usually think that way. Majority of us would love to always think about how I feel, and you made me feel this way. It’s your fault. It’s all about looking outside instead of looking within of how you can control yourself because we have not been taught or conditioned to understand people. We are conditioned to react. We’re conditioned to just explode. I think understanding when you when you take the two under and standing and you separate the two under which is you’re standing under in your own self which is you’re standing under challenges. Withstanding challenges, disturbances, and chaos by remaining calm, poise, and unbothered, this is what I wrote in my journal many years ago.

So, standing in a situation when it’s disturbed which is something that you can’t control. It’s outside of your control. It is how you respond. It is about your non-reactive, unbothered, calm, and poise. Now as I said, it takes practice. This thing is not something that you wake up one day and you can magically do it. The only time for you to really activate understanding is when circumstances happen. As I was rereading my journal the other day, I was instantly triggered and there you go, I was being tested whether I could possibly execute or activate understanding. It was something that my son did and my flesh and my inner self, my temperamental proclivity just raised up and I was raising my voice over a humidifier.

Something that is so really superficial but when I look back, I was thinking to myself, this is exactly why understanding and being calm is not truly something that you just do occasionally. You can be tested during the times of hardship because the people that we live with are the ones which usually triggered us the most and we actually will expose our inner difficulty, our inner trouble. It’s not so much about the people outside. Sometimes, even though people do something outside you know strangers we’re not easily pissed off. Because we don’t live with them, however; the people that we deal with on a daily basis, our spouse, our family, and our children. These are the people that can really expose what’s happening inside of you, whether you admit it or not.  They’re the one who is going to expose that something that is still lacking inside of you which is in my part. I am lacking understanding and calmness. 

 So, when you think about it, it’s about the habit. I ask myself the question, how can a person develop the ability to understand? It dawned on me that it starts with a habit. You can be habitually explosive and overly reactive or you can habitually stay calm, poised, unbothered, non-explosive and non-reactive. It is the power of your training of yourself to remain calm and composed. It all begins with a practice and a daily habit. So, it’s something that you will tell yourself that this is how you must react. This is how you must respond because when you’re habitually angry and triggered then actually what they say, you’re giving away your power. It really is something that makes you question yourself whether you, have grown up in the head yet or not. I also question that about myself because maturity in our generation is not applauded. 

Maturity, level-headedness, and being composed and it’s something that we do not really celebrate. What we celebrate are people that are reckless, impulsive who acts like children even though in their adult body form, they’re look like an adult male or female but yet their brain or their capacity to understand is not really fully developed and you see this everywhere if you just look around the people around you. When you question them some things and we they cannot respond in mature way or they cannot hold a conversation with coherent conversation, you know that you’re dealing with an immature person. Because as I said foolish people related to what I have said last week, they cannot hold a decent conversation without flipping and without throwing a tantrum.

Because they lack emotional regulation. They lack of maturity, the lack of self-awareness, but if you are a person who has done the work, the inner work of yourself then you can actually hold yourself in a space where you can ask yourself the question, Am I responding based on my immaturity, my triggers, and my wounds?” Or, Am I responding in of a healed person? So, perhaps when you’re healed and you have really tapped into your trauma and you’ve been dealing with yourself in a level that you’re willing to work on yourself instead of allowing people to work on you and being triggered, you have done the work. Then you probably can activate the calmness and understanding. As I said, perhaps, it depends on the situation, but we cannot afford to always overreact especially when you have a public image. 

Especially, people see you and portray you in one way and then they see you flip in one moment that can actually make your reputation probably tainted then. It will be tarnished based on one reaction because you know how people are, they will not remember the things that you have done right. Even though you have done five hundred times, right, but the moment you have get triggered and you have lost your temper, that’s when they exactly remember you by. We live in a society, where anybody just can do something uncalled for and disrespectful you whether you like it or not. People can just capture your essence, one moment that you’re actually being triggered and then there you go, they already labeled you as an angry person. 

So, a man of understanding is becoming a spirit to understand that correlates with as I said, calmness. It’s about decorum. It is about the ability to compose yourself during the argument. It’s about how to deal with difficult people when they are not listening. When you are going to be triggered, how do you deal with those instances? As I said, I was a person who used to just let my emotions govern me, letting my emotions rule and overtake me because I was not aware of myself. As I said, it takes a lot of maturity level. It takes a lot of self-awareness. It takes a lot of practice and one of the reasons why we do not activate in understanding and of calmness is because of pride. People who are self-righteous and egoistic, and prideful, they are not there to understand you. Their purpose is to prove you wrong and they’re in the right.

Therefore, people that are lacking of understanding because they don’t have the capability to empathize nor to sympathize with how you feel. If your intention is to really understand people, to really understand where they’re coming from of why they act or think or behave the way that they are based on their upbringing, based on their probably culture, and based on the things that had happened to them. These are the factors that we have to consider of why people react or think or behave the way that they are. It is out of your control and therefore people usually act a certain way because of their pride. When I don’t get what I want, I don’t care to understand you. I want to get something out of you. If I don’t get your attention, I’m going to do whatever it takes to just give me that attention.

So, it’s all about self-centeredness and even the Bible talks about, if you’re self-centered and self-seeking in James there is an evil intention is there. So, therefore you do not want to understand people. Your goal is to get what you want out of people. Because understanding is something to really putting yourself in other people’s shoes, trying to understand them. Why do you behave this way? Why do you act this way? Probably, because your mom or your dad mistreated you or you were not taught properly at the young age.  Nobody corrected you that your behavior is not appropriate or it’s something that is disrespectful. Therefore, you carry on to act that way throughout your adulthood unless someone in your family of course point out that these is not how a man of probably educated men or a man who went to school act a certain way. Because truly if you think about it, if you’re a civilized person, we should at least know how to understand people and to remain calm. But that is not the case.

We see it everywhere right now that people whether it’s celebrity or not celebrity and when something or someone triggers you or says something to you, that is very disrespectful. Our tendency of course is to react or to say something back. Because we are not training ourselves to stay calm or to understand people. Our response is based on a belief system that has been embedded in our psyche for so long that has been dormant there unless you’re willing to really tackle of why do I react this way. As I look back, I was thinking to myself, most of my reactions are adapted. These were copied behavior that I have actually observed as a child and I was really willing to scrutinize and ask myself the question, “Where did this come from? How did I react this way? Is it really my own behavior or was it imposed upon me as a child?”

As it turns out, it was something has been imposed in me. It was something that I have copied from an individual in my life, and I was a child that I didn’t have any opinion and when this person would say something and it was something out of anger. It was something out of impatience. It was something not out of understanding. It wasn’t out of empathizing with you. It wasn’t something about trying to figure out why you are that way especially as a parent.  We have a tendency to discipline our children, and we want to just really uh point out to them that this is exactly what I want you to do because I said so. But sometimes, as a parent, we have to really step back and understand of where the child is coming from. I know sometimes, we have been conditioned to silence our kids especially if you live in a culture where kids do not have a voice that your voice do not matter, and that you’re being disrespectful if you say something to your parents. 

It’s something that has been programmed as a child. Instead of listening to what the person is trying to say or really give them the choice but we tell them no be quiet, I’m an adult. You don’t have the right to say something which is really doing a disservice to a child because in that moment, we’re not teaching the child to speak openly and how to communicate effectively and we shut them down. Therefore; when they become an adult, they don’t know how to deal with conflict. They don’t know how to understand people better because as a child, we have trained them that your opinion do not matter and instead of understanding them and trying to take something out of their feelings of what they’re trying to say.

We most likely are doing the same thing what our parents did. We’re copying exactly the kind of broken system, if you call it, a broken method that perhaps you have seen from your mom or your dad of how they dealt with you and now you’re copying the same behavior, and the cycle never ends. And as I said, it takes a lot of deliberate practice. It takes a lot of deliberate choices to make not make the same mistake as your parents did. So, this is where I’m at right now is trying to apply understanding because some for some reason, God would always try to convince me that this is the area that I’m lacking, understanding. A man of understanding can rule the spirit somewhere in Proverbs. I’m paraphrasing of course, it’s something that if you have an amount of understanding, you can rule your spirit. You can tame yourself. You can actually pause and ask yourself the question, is it worth it to explode? Is it worth it to say something back?

Because people really have a maturity level, you can gauge. You can probably have a barometer whether that person has the capacity to control himself. That’s when you know that he is really mature. If the person is explosive and always reactive and cannot control himself and he cannot control his spirit. Then we know something is rootedly wrong with that person. It’s something inside of him that he has not dealt with. He has a restless soul. He has a soul that has been so broken and wounded. He has a soul that has been dormant there or perhaps years of trauma that he is not willing to look into himself.

Therefore, what the tendency is anything triggers. For me, I am triggered usually when I’m hungry, when I’m tired, lack of sleep. My tendency is that I’m easily triggered. My fuse is short because in those times, I know myself that maybe I cannot really communicate with you when I am hungry. When I need something to eat, I cannot communicate with you effectively when I’m tired. I will not be able to have a conversation with you in a deeper level because I’m tired.  I cannot function in a way that is fully well, perhaps. Therefore, when we think about it is that when we communicate effectively because we would like to understand a person. Instead of trying to get something out of your way so that is something that I have been pondering upon that is related to what I said last week in dealing with difficult people.

As I said, we cannot expect people to make the right decision especially when they’re unbelievers because they are futile in their mind. They don’t know the truth, they don’t have repentance of the heart. So, I actually wrote it somewhere when I asked God, what is it how can I possibly also do this? Not only it’s a habit, you have to train yourself to self-control. It is a self-restraint, and it is also the power of God.

In Zechariah 4:6 that says, “Not by might nor by power but by the spirit of the Lord.” So, when we are trying to activate our understanding in a calm of spirit. It is the spirit of God that truly has to overpower us. It’s supernatural way because we cannot really deal with these things, sometimes. I mean we could do to change ourselves only for a few months and then we’re going to go back to the same old pattern. It is an ever-changing of yourself, sanctification of yourself. It is always the glorification that is always constantly dying to your flesh. Your old nature, which is rebellious, evil. It is your Adam and Eve that you come from. It’s all about my way. I want it my way, your way is not the right way. So, you explode. You try to actually make it right. It is rather easy to be at peace. I mean, it’s not easy to be at peace. It’s rather easy that we want to be right than at peace. And most of the time, God would always correct me, would you rather want to be at peace or you want to be right? 

When people are self-righteous, they always want to be right and that’s why they like to debate like myself. As I said, I was prone to always like to debate. I always like to prove you wrong that I am in the right but there will come a time where it’s getting exhausting that silence is really golden. You cannot really make a fool understand what you’re trying to say. When they’re not willing to understand you. Therefore; it’s useless for you to argue with a fool because they’re not going to understand you. As the Bible says, a foolish man doesn’t want correction, a scoffer man hates correction. When you correct a man who is not capable of understanding you and only wants to argue with you. It’s pointless. You’re going to waste your time, your breath, and your energy. Do not throw pearls on a swine. What Jesus is saying is you’re throwing your pearls to a swine. To a pig who doesn’t realize that the pearl is something valuable.

So, he’s going to trample it and eat it. The same thing with a person, when you’re arguing with a person. He’s not understanding you because he’s not willing to understand you. You’re just dealing with a pig; he’s going to trample your words. He’s going to ridicule it. He’s not going to understand you because that’s not his point. His point is to argue with you relentlessly. He’s going to argue with you until the cow comes home until he’s going to say “I don’t care what you’re about to say, what I care about is how I feel and how you made me feel this way and your words have meaning to you perhaps, but as for me, it doesn’t really matter. Because a foolish person, as I said, they have no sense, and they are not sensible enough to understand you.

Because they’re not mature, you’re like dealing with a toddler. If you’re a mother, you know exactly what I’m talking about when you’re talking to a child, you don’t talk the same way as an adult, right. There’s a certain level of communication that you talk to a child because they are not yet at the point where they have developed their brain fully. So, you talk to them in a different way. When I was training my child, my son. when he was a toddler, I had to talk to him not in a baby form. I never talked to my son with a baby talk because that would be a wrong way for me to raise a child. You have to talk to a child like an adult. However; when you’re trying to talk to him, you don’t talk to him as if you are being repulsive or you’re being sarcastic in a way because they don’t understand your concept. Instead you give them the choice. But as an adult, sometimes; we also have to talk to some people like that because they have not matured yet.

So, it’s all about discernment in talking to someone. It’s all about knowing what kind of conversation that goes well with this person. Some people are overly sensitive. There are people in our lives of course including myself, sometimes when you say something that can trigger me. I can sulk into pettiness. I can sulk into shutting down, so it depends on the situation. We have to really understand people of where they’re coming from. Not everybody is the same and not everyone is in the same level as us. We have to really treat people accordingly ,depending on their maturity level. Even if you think the person is a grown person and a man. It doesn’t mean they are grown up in the head. It doesn’t mean that they can accept what you have to say, and I have encountered this too in other people.  I tried to ask them the question and then they would say “Why would you ask me that question?” And they would turn into this big hoopla. It’s going to turn into this commotion. It’s going to turn into this argument and the next thing you know your conversation is going nowhere. You’re just going in circles. At that point, you just have to walk away and say, “You know what, it’s pointless talking to you.” Because I’m wasting my time, my breath and energy.

Words are currency. I realize that words are currency as it relates to not throwing your pearls to the swine. If you’re constantly trying to prove your point and people are not listening at that point, you have to take back the currency. Because words have meaning. They have value but if you’re talking to someone who is adamant, stubborn, they are unwilling to listen. They’re unwilling to compromise, unwilling to really have a teachable heart, at that point, you just have to pull back yourself and say, “You know what, you figure it out on your own. You figure this out on your own eventually and hopefully you’re coming to the point where you have to really just look at yourself in the mirror and discuss it with yourself where you can grow up.”

Because as I said, you cannot teach people the things that they’re not willing to correct themselves. As much as you want to teach people the right way and to show them this is the right way and to prove to them what you’re saying is wrong. If they’re not willing to admit that they’re wrong, there’s nothing that you can do about it. If people are not willing to change and it doesn’t matter how many times you bend backwards for them or you twist their arms, if they’re not willing to have humility and say you know what your point is right and my point of view is wrong then you can’t do anything about it.

At that point, that’s the time when you said, I don’t think I can understand you better. It’s really pointless. Therefore; I will have a minimum conversation with you because our conversation is not going anywhere. You got to be diplomatic with these people. As I said, you have to learn how to civilize especially when you’re dealing with difficult people in your life. As much as you want to understand them to stay calm and that’s exactly where boundaries come in. You got to place boundaries and I think understanding is not because you are going to be a doormat for people. Or, you’re just going to be always available for people. As I said, at that time when they’re not willing to listen to what you have to say, where they constantly lie to your face, even if you keep asking the same question and they keep saying the same answer, you just have to ask God to just deal with these people. 

Because you cannot really change people, if they’re not willing to change. They’re not willing to change because they don’t want to grow up.  Majority of people don’t want to grow up because nobody told them to grow up. They don’t want to take accountability. They don’t want to evaluate themselves of how they can change for the better because as I said we are conditioned in our society to remain stagnant and complacent and to be mature. Because it’s something that we celebrate. Immaturity is something that we like to condone in this world. Therefore, people are not forced to mature because we do not celebrate maturity. We do not celebrate wisdom in this world. What we celebrate are people that are just foolish. We are giving foolish people a platform in our generation today. That’s why whatever goes. As you listen to podcasts there’s so many podcasts, talk show host, but not everybody has substance. Not everybody talks in a way that has wisdom because people as I said especially in social media we are given this platform to just say whatever you want to say and speak your mind. Even though sometimes what you’re speaking doesn’t make sense and it’s nonsense, right? 

So, then you have to really be the mature person if you want to change. You can just put lipstick on a pig. It doesn’t matter, whatever it is still a pig. You can put a makeup on your face and pretend like you’re a grown woman but deep inside, you know something is still missing in you and your character hasn’t changed. It doesn’t matter, if you keep on changing your outside appearance but your inner self, you have not changed and you have not really dealt with your emotion and your emotional stability, you are still a child that is pretending to be an adult. Perhaps, we’re still children in an adult body. But at the same time, C.S. Lewis said, God wants us to be intellectual in our head. He wants us to become childlike spirit but at the same time he wants us to have a mature mind. So, C.S. Lewis, perhaps, is saying you keep your childlike spirit, creativity. Be curious. Always like to create something. Being an artist at the same time. There’s a point in your life when you have to say this is the stop. This is where the bus stops and this is how I grow up in my thinking. This is how I should talk. This is how I should react and act as an adult.

1 Corinthians also talk about when I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, and when I became a man, I put away childish things.  So, what are the things in your life that you’re doing that are childish? What are the things in your life that are preventing you from becoming mature? Well, perhaps one of those things is maybe dealing with your trauma and dealing with how you communicate with people, that’s exactly why if you cannot communicate with people without getting triggered, without getting provoked that is the indication that you need to work in. I’m not saying that I have this all figured out. As I said, I am still a work in progress and that is all that matters is to have accountability. To be able to be honest with yourself in the areas that you’re still trying to mature. For me, my temper, especially as I said when I’m being triggered when I’m tired, I’m hungry. I am maybe in my PMS.

Those are the times when I’m not the most pleasant one. But I know myself, that it is something that you work to know thy oneself. I think is one of the most liberating things you can do because now at least, no one can just provoke you or poke you. When people can just poke and provoke you and go by their dictates then you’re being controlled. You are not really in a powerful state of mind when people can just poke on you and you’re going to respond to their provocation. Then you’re not really functioning in mature way and people can just easily see that and they’re going to add fuel to the fire because now they know your triggers. They know your weaknesses but if you remain calm and composed in the midst of trials, I know as I said it takes practice. It takes a lot of discipline and self-restraint. Then they can’t really know what to do with you okay, 

So, you’re just like poking a lion and it’s not going to roar back but the time will come that when the lion is going to roar back, you better watch out. Because that’s a time when you’re not going to see the full force and the power of what this lion is capable of. Therefore, that is all that I would like for you to think about on this channel, I want you to be bold, be brave, be courageous and keep your faith until next time. I will see you on my podcast.