Episode #21 – Understanding the Stages of Healing

Transcript:

hi everyone! Welcome back to another podcast. This is Glennavelle Manarang, your hostess for today. In today’s podcast titled, “Understanding the Stages of Healing.” Let’s get this one thing straight healing does not have an expiration date. It takes months or years, perhaps; before you can fully go back to your old self. For some, they might never come back to their old selves but recreate a newer version of themselves. Here’s the thing, you will encounter or experience different personas. One it is the person before the abuse then during the abuse, and after the abuse after the abuse is when you realize that now you are in the crossroads trying to understand who you are. Many people do not understand the healing is complicated. It is complicated. It is not only one dimensional approach but it takes a rigorous determination and the willingness to be fully raw and honest about the ugliness of your past.

After the abuse

Once you remove yourself from the abusive relationship you are now observing as a third person by trying to make sense of what just happened. But simultaneously trying to navigate life. This is why, when you become a mother and a wife and you have a job and a career and life becomes even more complicated. Because the very people you live with are going to get the grunt and see and deal with the pain that is manifesting in your life. This is why before you get married and before you have children and when you have been traumatized from people, you got to be able to deal with your trauma. That the manifestation shows up in how you handled the situation. For instance, you don’t understand why you’re being triggered but when you think about it. These triggers are remnants of the past from your old relationships before you entered into one. You have carried your baggage into your marriage. Being a mother that eventually created more problems, I know, it’s unfortunate but that’s just how it works.

It is because it takes years to unlearn patterns and to create new ones. Your nervous system is somewhat messed up because for far too long, you have been living out of fight or flight mode and that is all you’re familiar with. This is why it takes determination and the willingness to do the inner work or inner healing. You can only read so many books and take so many anti-depressant pills that is only going to fix the surface level. But not fully healing the inner wounds, you have accumulated throughout the years, you have accumulated throughout the years of trauma. Thus the cycle sometimes does not end . You must be willing to disappear and unplug for a while to fully heal from your trauma. Perhaps, go to retreats and spend time with yourself by trying to yourself and choosing to do things that are healing. Some of the things I used to do was listening to instrumental music that was introduced to me when I went to a women’s retreat.

Revisiting old memories

I was able to listen to myself by invoking those hurtful memories by acknowledging them and learning to let them go. This exercise is mostly uncomfortable and unpleasant but it is crucial step if you want to heal. You cannot take short cuts because healing is not overnight. It takes time. Feel everything if you’re angry because you have been abused, cry it out. You scream if you have to then do as long as you can and then of course do it at the privacy at your own home. I used to scream and grab a pillow and I would just scream on that pillow and mutter and mumble some noises that no one can hear me in the bedroom. Then after you feel those emotions. You actually feel much better. I mean you can do it that way or you could do a route of trying to understand your emotions that one day you feel better and the next day you feel terribly sad. It is just part of the healing journey. Instead of labeling yourself that you’re awful or tell yourself that you’re never going to get better just remove all the judgments from your mind and embrace every ounce of your healing.

Unplug from the noise

Disappear from the world. It is something to do with unplugging from social media. Disappear for a while and do not post about how you are feeling because the world can only do so much. Unless they have walked in your shoes. Most of them are not able to fully grasp. The amount of pain you have felt when you were traumatized or wounded so the best way to do is to unplug from the world and from social media. Ask yourself an honest question, do I really want to be better or do I crave people’s sympathy or validation that I must share what I’m feeling online? Thankfully social media did not exist and it was not popular back then when I was going through my trauma. In my days there was no Twitter maybe there was but I was not involved or Instagram or Facebook that I had to share my thoughts. The only way to heal is to sit with it for a long time. Let it marinate in your brain. It is a process not a drive-thru or a microwavable that you can actually just pop it and then everything will be fine.

Meditate God’s word

Healing is one step at a time. One of the tools that also helped me was to memorize several verses and repeat them to myself especially when intrusive thoughts come up. For instance, if I was feeling unloved or the guilt started to creep in, I would ruminate on this verse that says “I am fearfully and wonderfully made and God loves me despite of my past.” There is also a verse that says “For the thoughts and the plans that God has for you is not to harm you but to give you hope and a future.” Although some would disagree that it does not apply to us today because it’s actually referring to Jeremiah, the prophet, but I think you can use this and apply this into your life because why not? When you think about it God doesn’t really want you to be harmed in the first place. But God allows it to happen. Even though we may not like it or understand the purpose of it but now looking back. Now everything worked together for good to those God called for his purpose and for his glory. I think this verse is still relevant to this day and you can apply this into your own life. When you believe that whatever the devil meant to harm you. God will eventually turn it around for your own good.

Positive affirmations

Replacing negative thoughts is another thing. You can do with positive affirmations have also helped me to unlearn bad thought pattern. Unlearning a pattern starts with your mindset. It is what you feed your brain and continually remind yourself that you’re not your past and you’re not what people did to you but it is what you do with your life moving forward. Yes, we have heard many lectures online about trauma and pain but it’s worth repeating.

According to this poem. I'm going to recite a poem. It's kind of long it says "The nutritionist said, I should eat root vegetables. Said if I could get down 13 turnips a day. I would be grounded rooted. Said my head would not keep flying away to where the darkness lives. The psychic told me my heart carries too much weight. Said for $20 she'd tell me what to do. I handed her the 20 she said "Stop worrying darling, you will find a good man soon. The first psycho therapist told me to spend three hours each day sitting in a dark closet with my eyes closed and ears plugged. I tried it once but couldn't stop thinking about how gay it was to be sitting in the closet. The yogi told me to stretch everything but the truth. Said to focus on the out breath. Said everyone finds happiness when they care more about what they give than what they get. The pharmacist said, “Lexapro, Lamicatl, Lithium, Xanax.” The doctor said an antiscychotic might help me forget what the trauma said. The trauma said don't write these poems. Nobody wants to hear you cry about the grief inside your bones but my bone said Tyler Clemente jumped from the George Washington bridge into the Hudson River convinced he was entirely alone. My bone said "Write the poems." This is by Andrea Gibson, "The Madness Faces" 

Do whatever is best suitable for you. There is no such thing as one-size fits-all approach. When it comesto healing, I spent years and years of crying sleepless nights wondering why all of these bad things happened in my life. I spent time arguing with God and making sense of the pain that I felt. There were many years of screaming and yelling about how unfair my life was but here’s the thing it doesn’t really matter how many times you scream and yell and always try to play the victim because at the end of the day, it doesn’t really help you. I read countless books on healing and some of them helped me and some of them did not. But as far as I’m concerned, healing does not have a time table. The sooner you are willing to face your deepest wound a process becomes easier. It takes courage to face your inner demons. The ones that no one wants to discuss in the open because it’s ugly and excruciatingly painful to talk about. Some would rather bury the secret until the day they die but how can we find justice if we remain silent? It is in our testimony that we have overcome by the blood of the lamb and the power of our testimony. To testify is about to share your story so that the world are aware of what’s happening in your life and also that there is power about the cross that only the blood of Jesus truly and his redemption is going to be able to make you get through this ugliness of this life.

Yes, life is unfair and nobody really wants to go through this hardships and the struggles that trauma will eventually going to leave that mark in your heart. Scars will remain and there are years and years of painful memories that you wish you could erase but somehow you could not erase them because let’s just face, it is part of your past. It is part of your history but other than that you must be able to look back of how far God brought you. So it’s important that we might not forget of the faithfulness of God. In those times that we just want to wish to give up and quit and kill ourselves. One of the reasons why I was prompted to create this podcast is because I was watching this video on this man. I will try to link the video on this description below. I always look around and ask myself the question, what is the relevant topic that I should discuss and he was talking about Justin Bieber, about the struggles that he had to face.

We all know that if you don’t really live under a rock or familiar with Justin Bieber’s case today of how he was also sexually molested and how he was sexually abused. Just like my story. Well, my book was published in 2019, I also talk about that in my book that trauma is really something that people do not understand. People think that trauma is something that you can just again band-aid and take a pill and hoping that when you wake up in the morning, you’ll be fine. It is one of those things that as I said and let me go back to what I want to I was telling earlier. One of the things that are very tricky about trauma is that after you have come out of that relationship, when you remove yourself from the situation and you become the third party observing from the distance. That’s exactly when all of the triggers will come out every ounce of emotions guilt, shame or whatever it is. anger or rage will eventually going to come out. Unless of course you are not willing to sit with the pain. Then it’s going to just linger like myself.

I usually involve myself with before addiction with porn or overly shopping. I was always shopping because I was trying to numb my pain. I was overly committed and overly scheduling myself because I did not want to sit with my pain or look at my pain. So it took me three I mean 10 years before I could fully come out in the open and shared about my story of what my dad did to me. It took me 10 long years to finally tell a soul about my abortion. There was one time that God prompted me that it’s time for you to share your story but because of guilt and shame. Because I didn’t know if people are going to maybe believe me or not. Or, maybe they’re just going to make fun of me or maybe they would call me a liar. All of these things that we as a victim-survivor always try to project this idea that maybe people are going to think that I’m lying or I’m just making it up.

So these are the things that people don’t understand. After that when you involve with yourself with another narcissistic abusive relationship and then you become triggered and the memories comes up all over again. So this is why I would suggest that if you want to get yourself involved in another relationship. Make sure that person is also whole and healed but because the problem is when you get into a relationship and you are involved with another person that’s also traumatized and have not yet healed. Then that’s why the problem becomes bigger and relationship is sometimes becomes complicated. You are going to self-sabotage and one of the reasons why we have conflict in our relationships. When you get into this marriage because you have not dealt with your trauma. You have not sought counseling. You did not see a therapist or talked to them or maybe went into yourself and really self-introspect of what you can do better.

Embrace the ups and downs

Another thing also with trauma it comes and goes and flows. There are days that you feel better but there are going to be relapse, remember that. You are a person who is fragmented, you have become so fractured that you haveyou are trying to put all the pieces together about the person that you were before that incident that occurred in your life. So, you are just a broken glass and here you are trying to pick up all the pieces together of out of your brokenness and trying to glue it up and patch it up. And this is why you become fragmented. You are now disregulated and that’s why your nervous system is messed up and this is exactly why therapists don’t understand that they just want to give you a prescription and try to make you think that by taking this pill that your pain is going to go away. But it’s actually deeper than that.

That’s why Jesus said, “What good is a man to gain the whole world but loses your soul?” Your soul has been betrayed. It has been wounded. Your soul needs to be healed and has to be whole again because someone in your life has betrayed you, abused you, mistreated you and there’s not amount of pill that you can swallow. Because a pill is only for the physical body. It cannot change the very core of your heart, this is why the mindset, you have to constantly think thoughts that are positive. You have to always exchange the negative pattern into positive thoughts. That’s why God said, you have to meditate on my word because my word is a lamp unto your feet, a light onto my path. My word, God’s word is actually alive. It is active and it is healing. The reason why I’m able to move forward about my life is because I had a point in my life where I had to study God’s word. I had to memorize and carry a 3×5 cards with me wherever I went. So I purchase a 3×5 cards and I would write down every verses that was related to my trauma and I would recite them over and over again.

Every time, I get an attack from the devil that says, you are done. Nobody loves you. You can’t do this. I would always interject and says, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength for God has not given me the spirit of fear and timidity but a power of love and a sound mind.” These were the verses that helped me throughout those years. So yes, healing is not a one-time deal. It is an ongoing process and there are times that people in your life may not understand why you have crying spells. You get become depressed. You’re unmotivated. There are days that you just want to give up in life altogether but because Jesus would say, “Pick up your mat and walk.” He doesn’t want us to linger in the same mindset. He doesn’t want us to ruminate and ponder about the past because Jesus always want us to move forward and go onward as we go.

Shift your mindset

The reason why the people the Israelites were in the wilderness because God was trying to test them to change their mind mindset. It is the analogy. If you think about it, most people in the wilderness did not make it to the promised land, to the walls of Jericho because they were stuck in their slavery mindset. They were stuck in the Egyptian system where they thought that they were victimized and being a slave for 400 years and God was trying to shift their mindset. In the same thing with us when we’re trying to understand and cope with our trauma. We must shift our mindset from being a victim to a victor to to teach us and learning that our trials and our problems are leading us into triumphant victory because God is using us. Maybe as I said, you may not understand why of all people in your life God pick you and why God has chosen you we may not understand. This on the other side of the world but maybe one day when you have when you’re able to meet God face to face. You can ask all those questions because I did ask those questions of why would you pick me out of the people in my life you know.

Life is unfair but here’s the thing. This is the reason why God wants us to really get out of that rut of mindset. The same thing with the Moses generation they were stuck in the wilderness for 400 years mind. You God’s plan was to get out to remove them from the wilderness for two weeks. They were supposed to cross the land from the wilderness into the Jericho for two weeks but it took them that long because of their stinking thinking. According to Joyce Meyer, “Your stinking thinking,” is the reason why you get stuck in the same old mindset. “Woe is me. I am such a victim. Nobody loves me my life sucks and there’s nothing that I can do to make my life better.” This is the reason why that you are going through the same wilderness. I myself have the same problem we are going through the same mountain top. According to Albert Einstein, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.”

So if you don’t like where your life is going is because you are doing the same thing over and over again. You’re not willing to work in your inner demons. You’re not willing to look at your pain. You’re running away from your pain. By bandaiding it. By doing things that are actually contrary to what the word God says, Jesus said, “The truth will set you free,” unless you acknowledge, unless you confess with your mouth that you have an issue, you have been traumatized. You have been abused. You are never going to be set free that is one of the key that God allows me to say. You must acknowledge the fact you must confess it. You must say it to the other person. This is why it’s important that you tell a soul about your past because Satan wants you to keep it a secret. That is the weapon of Satan. Keep it a secret. Nobody has to know just bury it until the day you die but Jesus would tell you must tell the truth in love.

We must overcome by the blood of the lamb and I’m going to repeat it by the word of our testimony. You must testify. You must share your story so that people are going to be inspired and motivated that by being silent of the things that happened to you is not doing anybody service okay. So the reason why many people are stuck with their victimhood mindset because they are not willing to acknowledge the fact. Because they are afraid of judgment. They’re feeling guilty and shame and majority of victim, they’re blaming themselves too. They blame themselves and they’re going to say “I probably deserve it. I brought this upon myself and also our society is messed up.” Because instead of protecting the victim, they’re actually protecting the one who actually betrayed you or hurt you the most. Let’s not get out of tangent. So these are the tools that have helped me.

Privacy is the key

Another thing that you could also help yourself if you really want to disappear in this world is not because you just want to keep on posting about what you’re feeling and how you’re feeling and what you think about. What you should do and just have a sympathy from people. It’s not going to happen because people have more problems than you do perhaps and they don’t really have time in a day to sympathize with you. Because they themselves are also messed up. See the world are composed of many people and then two it all comes down to two people. Actually either you are the one who’s going to move above or rise above the situation that was had happened to you or you’re going to just live like that for the rest of your life. I have seen and witnessed some people in my life that they’re in their 40s and 50s and 70s that they are still stuck in their juvenile mindset. Yes they would say age comes wisdom but actually when you have not dealt with your trauma especially with betrayal. Especially when somebody hurt you, you are still have a fragile ego. You can still easily be triggered. I have seen it with my own eyes. When you have dealt with this person. You thought they’re adult, they have a mature body. They’re a grown man and a woman but when you say to them about things that are not really nice or you tell them bluntly. They cannot take it. They cannot succumb.

They cannot really talk to you like an adult because their ego is fragile. They become triggered because there is a source with that kind. Maybe they were injured as a child. They were highly criticized as a child and they want they don’t want to deal with that trauma and their pain so every time they hear a criticism or any kind of correction. They don’t want to hear it because maybe they were thinking to themselves that they don’t deserve it or maybe somebody mistreated them with unkind words and now they’re going to deflect it and they’re going to be defensive. When you tell them something and this is why for so many people, trauma comes in different shapes and form. Every one of us has been traumatized one way or another. For some, it is extreme and for some it’s minor. So this is why but when it comes to sexual abuse. It is one of the things that you must deal with it you need a lot of prayers, counseling, you need a lot of times to talk to God and pray with God because that’s just how life works. You cannot really do this on your own. Jesus said “I am the vine you are the branches apart from me you cannot do anything.”

The truth will set you free

So when you want to heal with your pain, you got to be able to understand that God wants you to be healed. Jesus also had encounter with the woman at the at the well. The Samaritan woman at the well is one of the illustration that Jesus talked with the woman and dealt with her soul. When Jesus asked the question where is your husband and she said, I have no husband. I have a a man that’s live that I live with but he’s not my husband and Jesus said, “You are actually telling the truth.” So it all coincide with the truth. You have to tell the truth about your past. So Jesus actually invoked this idea in this woman’s heart and saying that yes you think that by marrying five times and living with a man that you’re not married to or with is going to fix your broken heart. But actually it’s not because Jesus perceived that this woman was too broken and she was looking around for someone to fix her up. So she was looking for a man to make her whole and the problem with that is. It’s a superficial because no man in this world can make you happy. No man in this world can satisfy and satiate the soul of your heart.

No one can quench the thirst of your soul except the Lord Jesus Christ because when he said when Jesus said the water from the well you’re going to thirst every time you drink from it but the water that I’ll give you is a fountain of living water. So there is a story that we can learn that unless of course you know your creator. As I always like to talk on my channel, you must be vertically aligned with your creator so that you be become horizontally aligned with yourself and other people. If you are not going back to the creator understanding how God thinks and how God loves you so much no depth, no height nor angels nor demons can separate you from the love of God. If you don’t know how much God loves you. Then you are going to always want people to love you and validate you until the day you die but for some people they reject the idea of Jesus Christ. They don’t want the idea of God because we live in a godless society and every time you talk about God you would always say, “Well I don’t really believe in God anymore.”

If God is really loving, why does he allow suffering? We can just ask the same question and people have the same question. If we really think about it because we live in a fallen world this world. It is always going to be full of sin and full of wickedness because Satan is the father of this world right now. Eventhough Jesus won the victory but Jesus will come back someday and he’s going to take control of this world again and he’s going to make things new. In the meantime, we just have to deal the things of this world that’s full of wickedness and people really are demonically influenced by Satan and that’s what Paul said, “We do not wrestle against blood and flesh.” Our enemy is not people but the principalities and the dark forces in the heavenly realm. It is in the galaxies that this wickedness of Satan. The spiritual host that is influencing the minds and the hearts of people today. That’s why we have a lot of problem today and that’s why people hurt each other and kill each other because we have been darkened and alienated from God.

Be patient with yourself

And so that is why I want you to understand and have fully awareness of why healing is very essential and also very complex. You must be able to be patient with yourself. You have to fully understand that a person is not an object. A person is a human being who has feelings, who has emotions, who needs more empathy and sympathy. When it comes to healing as I said before and let me just say it again that healing does not have an expiration date. I don’t know when it’s going to happen for me. Sometimes I will have my bad days and sometimes I’m going to have my good days and if you know that by now that healing is just part of that. Then you are going to really just learn to love yourself and finally in order for you to be healed is that you have to also create a newer version of you. By having a vision, having goals, having dreams again so you can recreate and you can keep yourself busy.

Because the more and more you ponder about your past of what people did to you. You are going to become more depressed and next thing you know depression is harming yourself at the same time. If you’re truly atrophy and apathetic in life. You are unmotivated. You have no visions. You have no goals. Next thing you know might as well not be here right because a person who has no purpose and meaning they rather want to exit out of this world. But your life is not something that you should take. It is not for your taking. It is God’s. The one that created your life is God himself. So this is why you have no right to take it away. It is only God who gives you life and he’s the one who should take it away. Not you. So you you must be able to love yourself again and to live the life that God asked you to do. Jesus said, “I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly and exceedingly.” And if you know the promises of God then you can live again and you have hope again. And that’s why Jesus said that you also have to have faith.

Have faith

Walk in faith and not by sight because we actually live in this world that people are lost and they’re looking for hope and they’re looking for faith. But you cannot really have the life that you want unless you put on the action because it takes faith for you to get out there and to start again. I know, it’s hard to heal again because as I said it takes a lot of unlearning patterns and unlearning bad cycles but if you’re willing to sit with your pain and willing to be honest with yourself. I guarantee you, you’ll feel much better and you’re going to look yourself in the mirror one day and you’re going to say “I am so proud of you that you did not give up on me. You did not give up on yourself. I’m so proud of you that I am facing this woman today.” That you may look the same but you’re never the same on the inside because God works something inside of you. So never give up on yourself and keep believing and always keep the faith. Be bold, be brave, and be courageous until next time I will see you on my next podcast.