Episode #27 – Emotional Intelligence

Transcript

Hello ladies and gents! Good morning, good afternoon or whatever time you will be listening to this podcast. My name is Glennvelle Manarang. Welcome to Soulish Femme, real talk with me. In today’s topic is about how do we develop emotional intelligence and what are the things that we can do? So, apparently emotional intelligence was developed by Daniel Goleman from his book emotional quotient or emotional intelligence which is the ability to recognize your emotions. Understand what they’re telling you and realize how emotions affect people around you. It also involves your perception of others when you understand how they feel. This allows you to manage relationship more effectively. There are about five framework of elements that define emotional intelligence. With no further ado, let’s discuss them individually with number one, which is self-awareness. It says that people with high emotional intelligence are usually very self-aware.

Self-awareness

They understand their emotions and because of this they don’t let their feelings rule them. Awareness of oneself is about taking the time to get to know yourself. Without knowing what your triggers are and dealing with your deepest wounds from your traumatic experiences. As a child, you cannot possibly be self-aware. Many people are only living to exist going through the motions. And this is why when something triggers them, they are overly reactive. They will become so snappy, outbursts of anger, uncontrollable emotions because they have not yet developed or maintain their ability to control their impulses or their stimulus.

So I think that it takes a lot of practice. Awareness is about the process of always not getting it right. You’re always going to stumble. You’re always going to be triggered with people whether they’re going to do something or say something that will make you affected emotionally or mentally. But when you’re self-aware and you know exactly that I have done the work and this is actually something that has already happened in the past. And I think when you’re self-aware of that, then nothing or no matter what people say or do, you are just going to allow them to be who they are.

And it says in the Bible that Proverbs 28 that says and 13 verse, he who covers his sins will not prosper. But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy. When you cover up your sins, you are not going to prosper. You’re not going to be able to deal with your emotional turmoil if you’re not going to address the issue. I said people that are not aware because they’re either in denial or they are actually suppressing the truth of their trauma.

Self-Regulation

And number two is self-regulation. The ability to control emotions and impulses which is alluded to what I said earlier. People who self-regulate typically don’t allow themselves to become too angry or jealous or they don’t make impulse careless decisions. They think before they act. Self-regulation also again is something to do with composing yourself in the midst of chaos or in the midst of people that are disrespectful. There are things that we cannot control which are people around us.

As much as we want people to behave, act and think like us, like an adult. Most of them are not. That’s just unfortunate and that’s just how reality. Proverbs 4:23, it says, “Guard your heart with all diligence for come out of it the issues of life.” Self-regulation, I think, is because it’s something to do with the issues of your life. As I always like to say, your impulses, your triggers, it all comes down to your traumatic experiences as a child. When somebody would tell me something about a specific word and I’m triggered by it, I always try to go back to the source. Every triggers has a source. You have to find out the root cause of everything why you’re being triggered. I used to have outbursts of anger.

As I said, I have rage of anger. I’m getting better now than I used to. Looking back, I was very easily emotionally triggered. I was very impulsive. If people would have followed me around and they can tell me that I have changed a lot because when I was in my early 20s or in my 30s even. There was certain people that would just trigger me and I would just get so worked up and my whole day would be ruined and I would have outburst of anger, yelling and screaming and I would be so very snappy.

Right now, it’s not as much as I was because I was able to recognize the pattern. It was something that I have copied a behavior of someone in my family when I was in my younger years. I have seen this person overreacting that way, handling a situation without controlling his or her emotion. And I copied that behavior because children usually are very good at observing and they will eventually will absorb whatever negativity or either positivity that they have witnessed as a child.

So when you are in your younger years and you don’t really understand what’s going on in your home or the people around you or why they react that way, then you’re just going to you thought that’s actually normal of how to handle a situation. But eventually when you become older and you’re more aware of yourself and you are now able to regulate your emotions then you can just address the issue saying it’s actually not who I am. This is not how a mature person should deal with the situation.

As I said I have still sometimes triggers when I don’t usually have full rested night. I don’t have enough sleep or I am so tired or I’m getting stressed out.

So sometimes you are easily triggered, your fuse is very short because maybe you’re hungry or you’re tired. And if you are going to deal with self-regulation, here are the ways you can do.

• Walk away. I think the best way when somebody triggers you and you cannot really control your emotions because they are disrespectful or they said something, I think the best way is to walk away for a moment and really just distance yourself if you have to so that you can have the time to think and not overreact.

• Take a deep breath is another thing. When you are dealing with people, have you not found yourself when you’re dealing with someone who is very foolish? You try to understand you you try to make them understand what you’re trying to say when you’re talking to them. It it’s going nowhere. You’re just going in circles and you become so frustrated because this person doesn’t understand what you’re saying. And at that time you just want to scream, yell and holler.

But I think we have to understand that people sometimes are not in the same level as us. Their mental capacity or their depth or their comprehension is lacking. So sometimes we we become so frustrated because people do not have comprehension. They lack of comprehension and we as an adult in the room we want them to understand us. You know when you deal with your 11-year-old boy. Sometimes I have to repeat myself constantly and I want him to understand what I’m saying. But children usually do not comprehend fast Sometimes by repetition, the more and more you talk to them and the more and more you tell them, they have to be told a thousand times before they listen. And if they don’t listen at that point, you really are just getting so triggered. So sometimes you have to take a deep breath.

And then of course in James 1:19, it says to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. That is also how we can establish our or regulate our emotion is we are told to be quick to listen. As I said, we don’t usually listen to understand. We only listen because we want to respond or we want to say something back. But it is so hard to listen to understand. It says slow to speak. But many of us are very quick to speak and to be quickned in our hearts to really just discuss things or to address an issue that we haven’t really thought about. Many people are so good at that we don’t take the time to answer correctly. We don’t even try to ask ourselves the question, is this even the right way to say it because we are impulsive. It is our impulse that wants us to say something.

And that’s why the moment we say something we cannot take it back. And that’s why it says be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger. And Psalm 4:4 it also says something to do with your be angry but do not sin. and just let it sit there. If you’re being triggered, which is very hard. It takes a lot of self-control and self-discipline when you are actually dealing with people. And many times before, every time I have an argument with someone, especially with my husband and we are not going anywhere and it’s just one of those argument that no one’s going to win.

And so God would always have to deal with me in somewhere in two Timothy that says you have to stop the conflict because it will generate strife. And if you are going to just argue over little things, it actually will escalate into something bigger that it become uncontrollable and you are going to just yell at each other and holler at each other and then next thing you know there’s going to be altercation that is going to create a lot more havoc in your life. So the best way is to really just not going to allow your emotions dictate your behavior. As I said, it takes a lot of practice.

There are people out there, of course, is going to say that it’s actually your fault you made me this way. And that’s a different story. When people are going to blame you because they cannot control themselves. It just shows that they have not done the work. This is why if you are the bigger person and if you have done the work, then you have a better option. You know better.

So that’s why you have to remove yourself. It says in the Bible that when you talk to foolish men and scoffer, they don’t usually listen. So when people are going to engage with you in a conversation and it turns out to be an argument and they they have not yet able to understand what you’re saying, all they want to do is argue with you. At that point, you either remove yourself politely or just stop the conversation or change the topic altogether. Because that will deflect the conversation and it’s going to just not going anywhere.

Motivated

And then of course when you want to develop your emotional intelligence, it has to be you are a motivated person. You are driven. People with a high degree of emotional intelligence are usually motivated. So these are characteristics of emotional intelligence. These are the characteristics that you have to develop. They’re willing to defer immediate results for long-term success. They’re are highly productive, love a challenge.

So, if you want to develop an emotional intelligence, you must be able to have motivation and you need to be able to understand what your life is going to be. I have done a podcast the last time to be spiritually alive or to live audaciously. It’s one of those things that I said about you cannot wait for people to tell you that you must do this or you must follow your dreams because as I said, no one is going to knock at your door and give you the go signal to follow your dreams. You have to be able to decide that on your own because no one can force you to do something that you’re not willing to do. People that are emotionally intelligent, they’re not afraid of challenges.

If you are not evolving, if you are not thriving, if you’re not growing, you’re practically dead.

What is there for you to do in this world anyway? I really think that we’re not just put into this world to just simply exist and do nothing. I really think that we have an innate understanding that all of us are valuable in the eyes of God. We all have intrinsic value. We all have something inside of of us that God has planted before we were born that he wants us to come into fruition. Whether it be singing or dancing or podcasting or playing a sport.

Whatever it is. I really think that if you’re not using your talent, you’re just going to bury it. Like remember what Jesus parable that five talents. He was talking about money, but I think we can also apply this into our talents that there are five people that was given five talents or not five people, maybe three people, five talents, the other one was three talents and the other one was one talent.

And the master said, “I’m going to go away in a journey and I want you to do something with this money or this talent.” And then the five the the first person that have five talents, he was able to produce five more. He was able to had a compound interest. And the second one that has three talents, he was able to have three more. And then the one that was really just maybe because he was not he was afraid of losing it. That’s what he said. He buried it in the ground.

And how many people do you know that they have a potential but they have buried their talents in the ground. They’re not willing to take a risk. They’re not willing to do something with their lives are just used of this idea that well what’s the point of doing this or following my dreams or using my talent because actually I’m not really good at it or I’m trying to keep up or compete with people and they’re better than I am.

So many people are very talented, but yet they refuse to use their talent because of fear and because of the indoctrination of our society that made us believe that if you use your talent or you follow what you’re here for, then you’re going to go hungry or starving because that’s exactly what the system is all about.

The system will not going to support your visions and goals because it doesn’t want you to be able to use what God has given you. But only those people who are willing to go against the grain and swim against the noise of the world are the ones who are being rewarded. As I said, the world will reward you if you’re audacious enough to follow your dreams and goals and drowning the noise of the naysayers. You cannot possibly afford to listen to people’s advice.

As I said, we wouldn’t have great athletes today and musicians if they were not willing enough to follow their dreams. If they were not motivated enough. They have to be driven. And that drive is something that is developed on the inside. You cannot be driven by just, you know, by the external stimulus or circumstance based on people’s opinion. It has something to do with you. It has to be coming from yourself. It has to emanate from within. If you are not willing to do it, you cannot possibly create a life that you want.

For instance, if people is going to say you should play, you know, golf, and if you’re not into golf, you’re just going to quit. You’re not going to last. But if you want to play golf because it’s exactly the kind of sport you love to do. Then you’re just going to keep on showing up to play golf even if you’re not going to get paid for it.

The same thing with my podcasting. I’m not paid to do this yet. I’m not monetized by YouTube yet. But why do I show up for you day in and day out Mondays and Thursdays because it’s something that I am so passionate about. It’s something that I love to do. This is what I’m saying. If you have a person, if you’re a person who is really motivated and driven, nobody is going to force you to do it. You’re just going to do it because you love doing it.

So people who are I’m not saying that I have I am highly emotional intelligent but I’m all saying is if you want to develop emotional intelligence. One of the criteria that you have to look at is your motivational. You know the driven ability to have to be driven that is going to drill into your mind that I don’t need to be told to do something is going to produce results in the future and let’s not linger there number four is about empathy of course when you talk about emotional intelligence. You’re able to empathize.

Practice Empathy

Empathy is the most important element according to the book of emotional intelligence. Empathy is the ability to identify with understanding the wants, needs, and the viewpoints of those around you. Empathetic people are usually excellent at listening and relating to others. So empathy to empathize is to understand people. Understanding is to sympathetically aware of people’s wants and needs and understand their emotions of where they’re coming from. Empathetic people are putting yourself in other people’s shoe.

If you don’t have the capacity to understand people because you are lacking of understanding and empathizing of how they feel. Then you are actually still unable to feel sorry for them. You know when people would say I’m sorry of what you have been through. Yes, it’s fine that people would say that. I’m sorry that you have been abused as a child. I’m sorry that you have to go through this pain. It is something to do with being sympathetic but at the same time you could not empathize really with someone unless you have walked in their shoes. You do not understand the level of pain or the level of suffering a person have been through unless you have walked in their shoes.

Healing is a process

So many people don’t understand sexual abuse that or trauma that it takes a lot of years of healing and it takes process. They just think that healing a traumatic experience especially with sexual abuse is magically like a wand. You’re just going to snap it and everything is okay or medicate someone and everything is going to be okay. As I I always talk on my channel, you cannot possibly separate the body, the soul, and the spirit. You have to include the whole thing if you’re going to deal with traumatic people, especially with sexual abuse, because the body does not forget.

That’s why sometimes when a person who got out from the sexual abuse, when they smell something that’s familiar with the person that they have, you know, had a sexual encounter with who abused them. It triggers memories and that can create a lot of emotional turmoil in them and it can make their nervous system panic. It’s either fighting or flight. And we think that we can just medicate a person and everything is going to be okay. But actually, it’s deeper than that. When you don’t deal with a soul, when you don’t deal with a core, which is going back to the memories of why this was happening.

As I said many years before, God had to take me back to my old childhood memories when I was being abused. And it was something very traumatic. It is about God’s revelation. That’s why Jesus said, “The truth will set you free.” The problem with Satan, the devil, he wants to suppress the truth. He doesn’t want you to reveal the truth or acknowledge the truth. Jesus would always say, “The truth will set you free because it is the only way for you to be set free.”

Acknowledgement

You cannot be free unless you’re willing to acknowledge, admit that you have been done wrong and abused and you have been unjustly violated and that’s why your body is reacting and that’s why outbursts of anger comes out. People that have been traumatized, they have outbursts of anger because that’s their body screaming for help. They’re screaming for justice, saying, “I was done wrong. I need to do something with it.” And your body is actually trying to send you a signal that something that was done to you that was very awful, that was very demonic. And so when you have all of this rage and anger, it’s because of the suppression that you have told yourself, “No one has to know because of shame and guilt.” And that’s what I said for many years. It took me many years to reveal the truth and to share my story because of shame, because of guilt.

But Jesus would always say, “You cannot be healed unless you’re willing enough to share your story.” We have been able to address the issue. When I read the Bible, we have overcome by the blood of the lamb. And the power of a testimony to testify is to tell your story. the power. You will break loose of the power of that secret until you will reveal the truth. Until you address the issue, you cannot be set free until you address the issue and tell yourself that this was done wrong to me and I need people to know about it. It’s not because you’re trying to retaliate or you’re trying to expose or maybe if that’s your purpose or to avenge yourself, but it’s something to do with breaking loose of the curse or breaking loose of the imprisonment that Satan has suppressed you with by keeping it a secret is not going to help you.

And that’s why Jesus would say the truth will set you free. The truth is the only way. There’s no other way. only speaking the truth. It’s not by lying, running away from it. It’s not shoving it under the rug. It’s not burring it down into the ground until the day you die. It’s about telling the truth and addressing the issue and not just pretending like it didn’t happen to you. Because as I said, there is no way for you to be healed until you address your issue, especially when you’ve been traumatized as a child.

Social skills

And last but not the least, it says about social skills. So people who have developed emotional intelligence or you’re willing to develop emotional intelligence if you have not yet have one is to have social skills. I don’t really know what social skills is. I didn’t write it down the definition of it but in my own understanding social skills is the ability to have interp interpersonal connection with other people. It takes time to develop. I am a person that I do love people. I like to interact with people on a social level.

However, there is always going to be a limitation. I do love people. I just had time with my family a few days ago. There was a surprise party for me. My birthday is coming up soon, but they came here because they were off from their jobs. And so, I was able to mingle with them and I was able to communicate with them as if really, you know, I haven’t really seen them about for 6 months now. But when we talk together or gather together as if it goes back to the old memories when we were childhood with my sisters as if you know it was like a nostalgic experience.

But then there was a a specific person that I was not aware who would attend my birthday party and we had a falling out in a relationship. We have so many arguments before and she was invited. social skills is I think the ability to put aside your childishness and your immaturity. I had two choices at that moment. Either I would ignore her and stonewall her and give her the silent treatment or I could do the other route.

So she came and everybody was at the restaurant and I was already there my husband and I had just I had so many going on in my head conversations saying what should I do? What should I do? this person is here. It was very awkward. Should I just pretend like nothing happened, which I did? And it really dawned on me what Jesus said. Love your enemies. Your enemies are people that cannot stand you, people that don’t not like you for whatever reason, the people that have probably betrayed you in the past. the people that have mistreated you or disrespected you or have gossip about you or slander your name because maybe of jealousy.

I don’t know why people would pick on you but Jesus would always tell you that you cannot make two wrongs right and do not repay evil for evil. You have to repay good with you know good with evil people. And it also talks about if your enemy is hungry, feed them. If they’re thirsty, give them something to drink. That’s what Jesus said. The people in your household will will become your enemies. It’s not so much about the strangers that you see outside or the people that you’re not related with. It’s actually the people, your blood, your own blood.

Are you are going to be your enemies? There are these people are going to be either for you or against you. And unfortunately, as I said, I have found out that this person could really not stand me because of all the hypocrisy. I felt it. You know, when someone is there in in your presence, no matter how many times they fake the smile and they pretend like they like you, you can feel inside of them that they just cannot stand you.

Energy doesn’t lie

You feel it in their presence. You feel that their energy is like a putting off a show. They just want to have a show because, you know, other other people are there. No, I really was appreciative of her effort that she still came, but I knew that our relationship is not the same anymore. I just knew it. I I was very kind. I was still able to be courteous and polite. I did not ignore her. I tried my best to become hospitable and talkative, but I just knew that there was already a a rift in our relationship. There was still there was already a a gap between us. It’s not like it used to be because I think when you found out about people and it’s not that I don’t forgive her, it’s not that I haven’t forgiven her, but it’s something to do with how do you reconcile with someone time and time again when you have proven to yourself that this person is not really willing to change their ways.

As I said, people mistaken forgiveness with reconciliation. People mistaken forgiveness with reconciliation. You cannot reconcile with someone unless they are repentant of their sin, unless they apologize. Even if people would say, I am here, but their their demeanor, your their energy is still giving off this vibe of like I’m better than you. You know, I’m just here because people ask me to be here, not because I really want to be here. So when you want to understand forgiveness, do you really think that you can forgive someone who have sexually abused you and then you’re going to invite them over again and they’re going to do the same thing again?

Of course not. Unless the person has changed and really they’re they’re turned away from their wickedness. You cannot trust people like this anymore because you have a track record of them keep doing the same thing over and over again. So that’s why you have to have wisdom and you need to have discernment in order for you to allow people in your life. You can forgive them but not necessarily reconcile with the people who have hurt you time and time again.

Setting a healthy boundary

You got to have boundaries. I mean you could have limited communication with those people but you cannot allow them to fully come in into your life because that would be absurd. that becomes so foolishness and you’re gonna be become hurt again and the whole betrayal trauma is gonna go back again and you’re going to deal with the same issues and you’re going to deal with the same pain. This is why when you want to forgive people, you got to pray about it. You really have to ask God’s wisdom and discernment because not a lot of people deserve your forgiveness.

That’s what Jesus said. You know them by their fruit. You can you can sense whether a person is truly genuine or not. You can feel it. You can sense it. And at that moment, of course, I have to be courteous, as I said, and just went on with my day.

So, social skills is the ability to put aside your pride. Social skills is the ability to stay composed, calm and collected and still be kind and very pleasant in the midst of foolish people. Even if one person or two people in the room that you couldn’t stand because of their arrogance perhaps or because you had a falling out in the past, but you’re still able to hold conversation with them. You’re still able to look them in the eye and talk to them like a mature person.

Because if it was my old version, I said to myself, it wasn’t me. It was really God who have transcended inside of me that says you are going to be the mature person here. I think God was revealing to me about my heart because it’s funny when the day a few days before they came, I actually prayed this prayer. Lord, reveal to me if there’s any wickedness in my heart. Examine my heart of God and know my thoughts and see if there’s wickedness in me. And so I was praying that prayer and I said to God that I made you proud.