Episode #30 – The Ebbs & Flow of Healing

Transcript:

Hi everyone! Welcome back to another podcast. Welcome to Soulish Femme, Glennavelle Manarang is here talking with you again on another episode. Today is perhaps titled, The Ebbs and flow of healing or the messiness of healing.” As I always say that healing is never a linear path. The problem with healing as I said is that you are going to have relapse. You will have bad days and good days, ups and downs. The emotions of feeling confused. You thought you have healed before until suddenly something will trigger you.

Maybe some memories that already happened in the past that you happened to were awakened or remembered and that exactly is going to make you throw a tantrum or you have a meltdown. This past few days have been really tough for me because I really thought I was able to move on with my life and move on with the past. And this is exactly so many people have a misconception of healing. They think you can just give them something and they will eventually forget about the past. As I said, the body sometimes doesn’t really heal that fast. We also have to remember that our nervous system has been disregulated.

We have been disconnected and disassociated from our thoughts and our hearts and our mind because of what happened from the past. When you have been traumatized as a child or whatever age you have been. You are going to eventually have a lot of dysregulation and trying to make sense of what happened. When each one of us have been traumatized, we either fight or flight or we either freeze about it. For me, for such a long time, I was actually trying to run away from it. Flight.

Because I think majority of us, it’s the fastest way for us to be healed as so we thought. But actually it’s not really the fastest way because you are denying and you’re not acknowledging the fact. So for the longest time before I could say to myself that I had to deal with my pain I was very busy. I was always occupied with so many things. I overscheduled myself. I overworked myself. I entertained myself because that’s exactly what I was doing in order for me to just not run or not to sit with my pain but run away from it. And we actually have forgotten that if we run away from the pain, it is going to be the fastest way for you to have this dysfunctional regulation. You wonder why you have outbursts of anger.

Acknowledge her

For so many years, I didn’t know why I was snappy, outrage of anger. Time and time again, they would come back because you have not really acknowledged the fact that there’s someone deep inside your soul who needs your attention. She is the part of you who needs to have this compassion or looking at her that you are not someone to just shut her down or to just pretend like she did not exist. Apparently, when we move forward and you have healed from that trauma, there’s another version of you who’s trying to come out, the better version of you, the person who is stronger.

However, that person that’s stronger now has actually completely become cold or callous that she has now very unwilling to let go of that boundaries or maybe she has allowed herself not to be abused again and so she is very selective when it comes to choosing the right people in her life. So this is why as I’ve said before that when you are going through your healing journey. There are going to be three phases that is going to come out. It’s your last the person who before you were abused the person that was abused which is the relapse.

She’s going to come out eventually and she’s going to self-sabotage that other version of you that was in abusive relationship. She’s going to actually have dysregulation. She’s going to have outbursts of anger and you just have to acknowledge her and not suppress her. And that is what happened for me in the last few days because I thought I’ve actually acknowledged her when in fact God showed me that you have not really grieved. So if you have known my story and this is a very sensitive one that I had an abortion many years ago when I was in my teenage years because it was something that I did not realize that it was something to do with taking a life out of your womb. I am not going to get through it technical here but just to give you a little bit of a side note of what happened to me and I thought that I was able to grieve until God said you were not grieving properly actually you were running away from it.

You were so good at keeping yourself busy going to school having parties on the weekends, clubbing on the weekends and so that was my life because as many of us when we are going through those things of hardships we tend to go through substance abuse. This is why for so many people they look into drugs or alcoholism or promiscuity or sexual abuse or sexual uh immorality or gambling over shopping overindulging and overeating. There are so many crutches or band-aid that we actually go to or we tend to do because we are trying to suppress our pain or we’re trying to run away from it.

The Result of Abuse

And so the reason why I was actually running away from it because it was the ugliness of it. I didn’t want to look at it until to the point where as I said it will manifest by the way you carry yourself. It will manifest in how you are sometimes very touchy or you’re very sensitive or why there are certain things in life that will trigger you. Maybe a statement of someone, a memory of someone that just invoke this thing in your spirit. And that is why when we are actually been said that the assaults on your heart will made you too strong that you will become rigid, combative, insensitive and highrung, angry and defensive. It does not mean that the moment you can have all these characteristics, it doesn’t mean that you cannot tap into your femininity.

I’m learning that when you are actually wounded, you become masculine because you are trying to defend yourself. You have been programmed to either survive because you are actually threatened and that will cause a lot of dysregulation. When you are not at peace with yourself because you’re trying so hard to live in this hyper sensitivity because you think to yourself that everyone around you is going to harm you that everyone around you is going to do what this person did to you. And so this is why you’re always hyper vigilant.

And if you don’t know how to calm your nerves, there are so many exercises that I’ve been talking about on my channel that there are so many ways that have helped me along the years which are journaling. This is one of the steps you can do. Asking yourself the question, how am I feeling today? What happened yesterday, if there’s any trigger that occurred in your life? I usually write it down and reflect and ask myself the question, what made me feel that way?

Unlearning patterns

Or why did I react that way? Most likely it’s because of your old wounds that it’s coming out in the open. It’s your triggers that actually somebody said something or they provoke you and that is a familiar spirit that you’re actually automatically going to respond that way. It is about unlearning patterns. It’s unlearning and breaking the cycle of your habit. Remember that your response and your automatic response are actually from the past. If you have been in the cycle of an abusive relationship, okay.

So when you were involved with a narcissist, usually they will have this mental breakdown of you. One minute they will love you, one minute they will hate you, the next minute they’re actually helicopter all over you, and the next minute they’re going to just diminish or disappear. This is exactly how they will disregulate your nervous system. And if you do not know how to manage to regulate your hormones or not hormones but your nervous system which is actually you know included with your hormones as a woman. Then this is why we become so out of touch. We become so hyperly sensitive.

Take care of yourself

As I always say self-care as a woman is very crucial. It is important that you care for your body. You have mentally and emotionally attuned to what you need. for so many years. As I said, I’ve been running around, going to school, getting a job, partying, meeting up with friends, but I was actually over busy, but that was throwing me off. It was making my nervous system disregulated. And this is why today I am paying off the price that sometimes I would have still this outburst of anger or I would become snappy. And you wonder why it’s because of your habit that you were doing before. And as I said, journaling is one that you can do to manage your emotions, your nervous system. You also have to listen to soothing music.

Heal your soul

Lately, I’ve been really listening to music that is soothing to my soul. I would lie down sometimes for 20 to 30 minutes and just learn to breathe. Listening to music that are soothing to your soul can actually help you regulate your emotions. Slowing down is another thing that can help you regulate your emotion because you have been trying to survive and that was my defense mechanism is to survive. That’s why I kept myself busy for so many years and also the reason why I was occupying my mind because I did not want to look at my pain. I didn’t want to sit with my emotions. However, it actually will throw you off as well.

And so the antidote of that is to learn how to slow down and to breathe because you have to acknowledge the fact that something bad happened to you. And this is something that you have to take care of. Slowing down also maybe taking a deep breath, closing your eyes, meditating, praying or reading a book or something to do with self- introspection. And this is what people do not understand that just because it happened 10 years ago that it’s not going to happen again. That relapse is not going to happen again or some kind of vivid imagination or memories is not going to have flashback because that’s exactly what happens to people who have been through trauma. You’re going to have PTSD or whatever you call it because your body. It is something that is entrenched inside of your soul that if you are not going to manage it it’s going to manage you.

That is a problem with many people especially with therapists that they don’t understand how to deal with trauma and most people just medicate you to calm your nerves down but actually it’s doing the sur it’s just scratching the surface. They don’t understand that it’s actually involved with so many nuances. The way you think about yourself, what I always talk about my channel, what you think about, what you ponder makes a lot of sense. If you have negative intrusive thoughts, you can replace it with positive thoughts. You can have positive affirmations to yourself.

And this is why I always say you have to memorize verses in the Bible. You have to meditate in God’s word. I was not aware that I was living in guilt and I was still living in shame and I was crying and yelling and screaming when I realized that I was carrying so much pain because of guilt and shame. And therefore when God showed me that actually it wasn’t really your fault. It was something that was done to you that you didn’t really have a choice at that time because your brain was at 12 years old even though you were 17.

But you did not know so much about life. You were manipulated and you were controlled. But apparently when we try to blame and guilt ourselves, this is why we cannot breathe or we cannot live a peaceful life. We keep on be uh beating oursel up, we constantly shame oursel that this is my fault or this is exactly you know my problem and this is why so many people are apathetic. They don’t want to live anymore. And another thing to really regulate your emotions is of course you try to do something that can relax you which is dancing maybe or singing or painting or drawing or coloring whatever it is that can help you slow down your nervous system.

Avoid things that are triggering to your memories. that this is exactly why sometimes I’m very selective when it comes to the movies that I watch because if there’s any movies that is going to invoke memories of the past, it’s actually going to make me go spiral down and I’m going to have a bad day and the whole day will be ruined. I’m going to sometimes uh sulk into this I don’t know victimhood mindset. And that’s why the Bible is clear that your eyes are the window to your soul. Your eyes do matter what you watch, what you entertain, it will reflect and it will going to affect how you think about yourself.

And also when it comes to your emotions is that when you regulate your emotions, you really have to keep your self to a point where you’re going to just uh become your own mentor or reparing yourself which is I always do or try to sell to yourself that you need to come down this two shall pass and this will eventually not going to matter 5 days from now or 10 days from Now reparenting yourself is recognizing that there were there was a part of yourself that you did not have anyone to turn to and you know what there was no one with you at that moment and this is why you have to just self soo yourself and you have to learn to talk to yourself and saying I understand that you’re feeling this way right now suppressing and ignoring her she’s not going to go away until you recognizes that this woman the part of you that was broken this woman that was part of you that was abused.

That this woman that was a part of you that have been through hell, she needs to have recognition. She needs to be acknowledged because the more and more you suppress that part of you, she is going to rebel. And this is why people who have been hurt hurt other people and they will self-sabotage and the the cycle will continue because the only reason why she will become silent is when you recognize her that she is being heard of that she is actually being seen and that what happened to her was unfair. And if you just tell her that I love you, I’m here for you. You are never alone anymore. I’ve got this. You got we got this together. Sometimes you refer to your old self as the third person.

Have compassion with yourself

I don’t know how it happens but for me it actually helps me to calm my nerves down. And these are the practices that no one really told us. I mean this is what I’ve been doing for many years that has really helped me to tell myself to come down. It takes a lot of practice and self-awareness. Compassion with deep understanding is actually what you need. You have to have compassionate for yourself. You have to have deep understanding of why you feel the way that you are. Why do I feel triggered? What is going on with me? I thought I’ve already passed this point. I thought I’m already healed. Healing, as I said, is never complete.

As I always say on my channel, it’s never linear. It’s never straight path. It’s never something that people just whip away and says, “I’m okay now.” As I said, it is sometimes going to be ups and downs. You’re going to be able to sometimes have bad days. You’re going to be triggered and you’re going to be This is the reason why Jesus would say that you have to really just abide in him because you cannot bear the fruit of peace and love and joy and self-control and and you know uh goodness because without him you cannot do this. And I will not going to shy away from saying that because I can tell you that I’ve read so many self-help books.

I can tell you that I purchased so many healing books, but nothing compared to the word of God and the power of the spirit of God. And if I’m not going to interject the power of Christ in my life, then I’m probably going to say I’m missing the point. Because the reason why I’m truly healed is because it was the power of the Holy Spirit that changed something inside of me. Because the word of God says it is alive, it is active, it is the medicine that has no side effect. And for so pe for so many people they’re not going to acknowledge the fact that Christ is actually said that I am going to be the light of the world who step into the darkness.

I was the one who went to this world to find the lost to those who are broken in spirit to bind the wounds the captive the ones that are captive the ones that have been imprisoned by their wounds. And that’s why Jesus said I have come to set free those people who have been in bondage by sin and because of the wounds. And I always want to refer back to the woman at the the well, the Samaritan woman. Every time you hear me on my channel, I talk about her because Jesus took the time to point out to her that your soul has been wounded and broken. And if you keep on drinking from this well, you are going to thirst.

But if you’re going to drink my water that I give you, which is a fountain of living water, then you will going to be quenched. And so after the fact that I was crying hysterically about my past and I was mourning and grieving about my past, the following day, actually the day of that day, God had gave me rest. I was able to sleep so soundly that I felt as though there were burdens that was lifted off my shoulder. I felt like I’ve been carrying so much load in my heart that for some reason when that afternoon I was able to take a nap.

And that’s exactly what Jesus said in his word. Come to me all of you who are weary and heavy laden for my yoke is easy and my burden is light and I will give you rest. And this is why when we come to the cross and we lay it down at the feet of Jesus, we will have refreshing soul. We will feel release of this burden that we’ve been carrying because we’re not supposed to carry the burden of our past. We’re not supposed to bear to to bear the cross on our own. That’s why Jesus said, “I am the equally yoke.” A yoking is someone that you will be with you in the midst of trials. Someone that will carry you in the midst midst of challenges when no one else understand what you’re going through.

And the following day when I was reading the book in Zephaniah, God actually revealed to me that be glad and rejoice with all your heart for the Lord has taken away your judgment. And that also was something that God revealed to me the following day that when you constantly are judging yourself in condemnation, this is why many people are sad and depressed because they are carrying this burden and this guilt and this condemnation in them. God does not condemn. Jesus said, “I have come to save the lost. For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that those who believe in him will not perish and have everlasting life.”

He also said that I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly. However, there is that we have an enemy Satan himself who steals to kill and destroy. But Jesus said I have come that you may have life. The reason why the bottom line if you can take anything at all from what I say the bottom line that I survive is because I had the willingness to fight. I had the willingness to live. living is for you to get out of that rut and to really pick up your mat and walk. The reason why I’m existing today is also my faith and because faith is the substance of things that we hope for. It is evidence that we have not yet seen.

Without faith, of course, it’s impossible for you to move on with life. So when you say faith is the substance, it is what contains. It is the hope for living. When you have no hope, when you feel hopeless about life, then you are going to give up on yourself. Many people give up on yourself because they feel hopeless. They think that this is it. I have no more tomorrow. I can’t do this anymore. I have nothing to give. You’re going to feel sadness and you’re going to feel as though people don’t understand or love you or nobody really cares for me.

And it’s actually normal and natural. However, do not stay in that rut. Do not get stuck into that affirmation. Do not believe the lies of the enemy. And this is why when you read the word of God, there’s nowhere in the Bible that talks about quitting or giving up. There’s nothing in the Bible that talks about you are woe is me. I’m a person that can never be well. The book of the word of God is a cult of redemption. The cross is a redemptive story that when God is going to take out a broken vessel, he’s going to put into something better and something that you are going to be unrecognizable, someone that is stronger and resilient. And this is what Jesus does. He will try to change you and conform you into his image unlike the ones that you were before when you were broken.

And this is why, as I always say in my channel, that if you do not know who your creator is, if you’re not aligned and vertically aligned with Christ, then you are not going to be able to love yourself and love other people. Because it’s exactly what God said. You actually are my invention. You are my creation. You are my potter. You’re the He’s the potter. You are the clay. And if you cannot really have this idea that if I don’t connect with this manufacturer who created me, the inventor who designed me, then how am I supposed to understand myself?

You cannot understand yourself when you don’t know where you come from and whose you are and who you are. In order for you to really get past them this painful stuff that happened to you, you really have to understand that there is a purpose of everything. When I asked God, why me? Why did you choose me? Why did you pick me of all people? It’s unfair that you have chosen me to go through a lot of stuff.

You know, as a young child, my dad left us and he we had abortion. I mean, I had an abortion at the teenager. I was sexually abused and verbally, mentally, physically. And why me? And all the time that I’ve asked those questions, there’s always one answer which is found in Romans 8:28. For God give us the purpose for his glory and for honor. All things work together for good. All things work together for good. I know that we may not see suffering as good. We may not see suffering as something that is valuable in our lives. However, looking back, if I would have stayed in that rottness or stayed in that bitterness of my life, I would not be the woman that I am today. And that is the reason why.

You must fight for your life. You must not give up in yourself. You must have faith. You must have really understand that God is the only one who can work in your heart. He can patch up the brokenness of your past. Your past does not dictate your future. As cliche as it may sound, you probably heard many people say about that. But it is a truth because if you get stuck in the past, then there’s no way for you to move forward. And the Bible will always talk about moving forward onward. It’s always about trying to recreate. When you learn about the Old Testament, there’s always talking about going back to the wilderness of Moses and Jeremiah.

They want to go to the promised land. God’s people were supposed to go past from the wilderness. And you’re going to have wilderness in times of your healing. The wilderness is the loneliness part of your life. The wilderness in the darkest moment. The wilderness is when God is going to strip you off of your identity. The wilderness is where God is going to do some heart surgery. Not physical heart surgery, but the inner man of you. You are going to be stripped off of your identity that was false. When I was in the wilderness, which is in the darkest moment of my life, I was lonely. I was living like a hermit. I was constantly crying. I was depressed. I was unmotivated. I didn’t want to do anything with my life.

But that was the beautiful moment when God revealed to me something about myself that you are not going to stay here someday. I need you to just stay in it right now because I want you to understand the pain that you have been carrying and I want you to be stripped up of that pain and to just let it go. And if you are going to be able to move past the wilderness, that’s why you go to the promised land. And the promised land is overflowing with milk and honey. When you move past the wilderness and you allow God to break you and to just trip you off of your brokenness and you allow him to pour out his love and his mercy, you’re able to move past the self-pity party. You’re able to move past the victimhood mindset.

You’re able to move past this woe is me, nothing is good in my life. When you move past the wilderness season, now you understand why God wants you to cross over the promised land which is overflowing with milk and honey. And after that, you will feel so much better about yourself that you can recreate yourself again. And this is why for so many people, they think that just because something bad happened to me that I stop living. As I always say, you have to have visions and goals. You need to have a purpose to live for. If you have no purpose, if you have no visions in life, that’s why people perish.

The reason why people get stuck in the cycle is because they don’t want to do anything after the abuse. They thought that their abuse, that’s exactly who they are. They identify their abuse of who they are. Your abuse or the pain that you have been through does not have to be your identity. Your identity is rooted and grounded of who God created you to become. He said you are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God. You are an imagebearer of the creator. And if you are the image bearer of the creator, then you must create something. You must be able to innovate something. You must be able to start fresh.

And I always say you must create something. Maybe have a hobby or podcasting or youtubing. Write a book. I have no idea. Something that will keep you moving. Go back to school perhaps. Educate yourself. You cannot stay complacent in life. You cannot stay stagnant because a person who is not in motion, you will stay not in motion. That is why when you hear me say over and over again, do something useful with your time. Do something valuable with your life because life is too short and you don’t want to ponder and dwell on the past.

The more and more you dwell on your past, you are going to feel sorry for yourself. And this is why people are going to have uh so bad about their life and they’re not they’re going to give up eventually. This is exactly what happens when you are going to give up on yourself is that you’re not motivated to take a shower or do anything or even eat or make decisions about your life. As always, I always say be brave, be bold, and be courageous because that is all for you to do. And one of the ways that God want us to do as Paul also wrote, forgetting about the past, forgetting about the past and looking ahead of what lies ahead about my life.

Yes, painful and suffering and challenges is part of life. That’s what Jesus said in this life. You will have tribulation, you will have challenges, you will have pain, you will have struggle. It is guaranteed. However, he said, “Be rejoice and be glad because I have overcome the world.” And if Jesus had overcome the cross and he was able to finish the race, well, you and I have to do the same thing. And I know it’s easier said than done, but it is what Christianity is all about. It’s about keeping at it when the going is hard. It’s about keeping your faith.

Even though there are times that you just want to give up on yourself and you are going to quit and say, “What is the point to all of this?” The point is, you are not going to be rewarded when you are not a fighter. You are like an athlete trying to run the race and finishing the race. And Jesus said, “I am the author and the finisher of your faith. And he is the one who gives us the reward someday, not people.” And this is why we’re fighting for the crown of life. Not because for the accolades of this world.

Not because we’re fighting for a trophy that is going to diminish in this world, but actually we’re fighting more than just gold that is going to lost into this world. It is a crown of life, a crown of glory that we’re actually fighting for. It is about the eternity of life. And that is why I always like to say my channel as hard as it is, as unfair as life could be, we can we can always move past the painful memories of our childhood or whatever pain that people cause us. And last but not least, I want you to always give it to Jesus and to unbburden your load to him and to just let go of bitterness and always ask this prayer.

Examine my heart oh God and know my thoughts and see if there’s any wickedness in me because I don’t want to carry this burden in my heart. Whoever have hurt me in the past I let it go. I forgive them. Help me to let go of my resentment. Because if you carry resentment in your heart this is why many people cannot move forward and they’re drinking this uh poison in them that is actually killing their heart. And that’s why many people have hypertension and heart attack and they cannot sleep good at night because they are carrying this resentment in their heart is actually not doing them any good and they’re going to age. And you wonder why people are actually they don’t really have peace of mind and heart. It’s because they are carrying the pain and the hurt of their past.