Episode #31 – Compassionate Communication

Transcript:

Hi everyone, welcome back to another podcast. Welcome to Soulish Femme. My name is Glennavelle Manarang. To those of you who are here for the very first time, I would like to welcome you and in today’s topic is titled, “Compassionate communication.” This is the idea that I coincide with the book that I’ve read many years ago, “The Art of Communication by Thich Nhat Hanh. I think that was his name. I really think that sometimes there is no such thing as secular teaching and Christianity when people say, “Well, you cannot really combine the two teachings.” 

But actually, they overlap with each other. And I’m going to back up what he’s saying with the biblical verses or Bible principle. He talks about why is it important to have compassionate communication. We usually talk because we want to point out something or we want to be able to make that person understand. However, we have missed the two ingredient that this book talk about which are deep listening and loving speech. And he said in his book, when we listen with compassion, we don’t get caught in judgment.

 Mindfulness of compassion means you listen with only one intention to help the other suffer less. So the purpose of having a compassionate communication is to le to listen deeply and to really understand what the person is saying and how he feels. Majority of us usually just listen to respond or listen because we want to have a feedback or we want to rebuttle or we want to argue. However, when we truly want to understand the other person is because we want them to suffer less. Majority of people that are suffering is because they were not been heard before. They were overlooked or people did not recognize that they had a voice to say. 

That is the reason why he also said that when we actually offer compassion, our intention is to offer people with no judgment. And we also like to judge people. And that’s exactly why sometimes when we’re wounded and we have been carrying trauma, we project our own suffering to other people. We also project our own point of view about the other person without really understanding their own trauma because we want them to understand our own trauma. It’s it’s kind of like being selfish way of sharing your story but then again instead of listening to the other person we actually just cut them off and we want to butt in and tell them our side of the story. For instance, if somebody says, “This happened to me. 

So and so betrayed me many years ago.” And you also have a similar story and you cannot wait to tell your story. And you sometimes miss out on what the other person is saying. I know that in communication, we have to have reciprocity. We have to be able to understand each other. And if perhaps you have the same similar stories, you can relate to each other. But I think that if you just wait for your turn and let the person finish the sentence, I think it’s much better that way because you now understand deeply and you have a loving speech with it also talks about in Ephesians 4:29 that says, “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification that it may impart grace to the hearer.” 

So this is why I said I can back it up with what this book is saying in the biblical principle that loving speech is about no corrupt word that is proceed out of your mouth. Corrupt word is slander, gossip, cursing, profanity. A corrupt word is about being judgmental, uh degrading people, saying things that are going to deflate their sense of worth. It is the corruption of your mouth that Jesus said the abundance of the heart. 

The mouth speaks. It’s not about what you put into your body that are going to defile your whole body because when you eat something like food, it’s going to go through your stomach and out of your system. However, the words that are coming out of your mouth, Jesus said these will defile your body. And many of us of course are not taught about communication, especially with compassionate communication, deep listening and loving speech. 

Loving speech as I said is involved what the Bible says the edification to edify someone is to uplift someone to give them affirmation that they are doing well and it is also a foreign a foreign to us and it’s something that is not so entrenched in our system because when you are growing up in an environment that nobody really applause you or give you a positive affirmations when we say it to ourselves or even to the people around us to our children or to our spouse. It is a foreign language. It is something that is unfamiliar because as a child we are never taught how to give affirmations or positive uh statements to people.

 We are usually taught how to degrade someone or judge someone and that is why we become hurt and we internalize those hurtful messages even today. Another word that says in Colossians 4:6, “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” Grace and seasoned with salt. Do you know one of those people who can talk wonderfully? They have rhythm. They have melody like Audrey Hutburn. I was just re-watching this movie Paris that sizzles few days ago and I love old movies because they have a different way of speaking. 

Their communication style is so different from how people communicate today. We truly have lost the art of communication. We have not seen how the speech of our world really is affecting how we interact with other people. And this is why because I really think that our communication style is not only the words that are coming out of our mouth, but it’s the tone of your voice. It is how you enunciate. It’s how you pronounce words. It’s how you deliver your message. 

And so it’s important that when we truly understand that when we speak, it’s not just the words that are coming out of our mouth, but it’s actually how you convey the message. And it also says in the book by the art of communications, if your words are spoken with compassion and understanding, the pain will heal more quickly. When we listen more deeply and see more clearly, compassion arises and we use mindful speech that reflects our sincere and caring intentions. 

So the part of us when we want to speak with compassion is that we want to understand more deeply. We want to be able to see clearly what the person is saying and what the person is feeling, their body language and their energy and how they deliver the message. Are they coming from a place of pain or a place of still being triggered, a place that is still trying to resolve their inner demons or issues? If you are a person that is open and your eyes are open and you are actually aware of the people, you’re not really just listening to the words of their mouth, but actually you are sensing their vibrations and their energy. 

And when you have been so good at being silent in the room, if you’re observant of people, over time you will understand how people truly say one thing, but their body is saying a different signal. If you don’t know that by now, then I think you have not been very observant of other people. I think when you understand human psychology, you will understand that just because a person is saying one thing, it doesn’t mean that’s exactly what they mean on the inside or how they feel on the inside. 

Especially when people are anxious and who likes to perform, people that are good at performing, they actually will throw up some something out of their body. Some people can give way and how they fidget and how they are not confident. And if they’re not confident, they over talk or they’re loud or they are actually hiding something. They tend to become showy or overly performing because they’re trying to suppress their insecurity. But if you know and understand those body language cues, then you have a better advantage of how to read people in the room. 

And the right speech is someone who can speak with gentle loving speech and who can listen with compassion. So I have all of this underlined because I want to be able to understand that when you are speaking with compassion, your goal is to be gentle and loving and listen with compassion. As I said, gentleness is not my forte. It is something that I’m not born with. If you actually ask many women, we are not the most gentle. I mean it is not our nature as a woman to be gentle. 

Perhaps some people have personalities that God created them to become gentler. But for many people who have been wounded and who has been traumatized in the past, you become so combative and you become so insensitive to a point where your gentleness becomes callous. It becomes so rigid. And when you have been coming from a masculine energy, a woman that has been wounded because she has been assaulted, she was betrayed or she has been through this traumatic experiences in her life. 

This is why her gentleness will turn into a callous heart. Her gentleness turn into becomes a rock that is very hard to penetrate. Her gentleness is going to become so combative.

That’s why so many women who are going through traumas and dealing with their wounded femininity, they’re going to come on as argumentative, contentious. They like to argue. They like to rebuttal. They act like a man. They think like a man. They like to be in control. They actually want to be the one who make decisions and who wants to control every little things in their life. And this is why if you don’t understand about your own self, deep understanding and compassion always apply to yourself first.

 First of all, you must understand why do you act that way or why do you feel that way? It’s because of your feminine wound. A person, a woman especially who likes to control is because she’s afraid of losing control. And also when you talk about our tongue, deep compassionate speech is when James 3:102 it says, “Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening.”

So I always talk about the mouth here because I talk about recently about prospering bodies, spirit, and soul.  And I’m going to do this incrementally. I want to talk about the mouth first and then maybe the second segment would be the thoughts and the second one would be our heart and guarding our hearts. But today I just want to focus on our speech. So it talks about in James that if you cannot control your tongue is actually something to do with not able to tame our tongue because somewhere in James it talks about no one can tame the tongue. It is unruly. It is fire. It is actually set by hell. 

And I think I have proven the point before that the very thing that God is using me which is my tongue, my words, is a very thing is a is also a tool that Satan is also using to trip me up and to make me stumble. And this is why somewhere in James, it also talks about if anyone if any man does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man able to bridle the whole body. So it’s not so much about the thoughts. It’s not so much about our thoughts that coming into our hearts, but it’s actually if you can control your tongue or able to teach your tongue how to speak.

And therefore, I thought for a second that when you can teach your tongue and how you speak and how you deliver your message, you are actually a perfect man. 

So there is a way that you can hit perfection. You can be a perfect man in this world or woman when you know how to control your speech and if you are deliberate enough of how to really communicate effectively and it says that you’re able to withhold or to refrain from having the emotional tormal or like have an emotional intelligence rather is something that is become powerful and that exactly what exudes a person of maturity. In James 1:9 it says that you have to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to wrath. 

Another point that I would like to make is when you have compassionate speech, especially when we are triggered or conflict with anybody, our response would be to impulsively say something back or insult the other person. And this verse is actually one of the things that God has been trying to make me memorize. Every time I want to be triggered, if I want to, if I’m triggered or I want to say something back to the person, he would remind me of this verse, be quick to listen and slow to speak and slow to anger because when we are quick to respond. 

Another reason why the compassionate speech is important because it also says that it promotes health in Proverbs 12:18. A graceful speech includes soft answer, wholesome tongue, promotes health. What we say comes back to us and brings fruition and will manifest in our lives. Edifies not vulgar. Proverbs 13:2, “A man shall eat well by the fruit of his mouth.” So, let’s just stop here. A man shall eat well by the fruit of his mouth. This is not literal terms, of course. This is something to do with analogy that you can say what you eat is something that comes out of your mouth. It is something to do with either bring life or death, blessings and cursing. 

As I said, whatever you say impacts your soul. If you keep telling yourself that you are a loser, you’re never going to be good enough or you’re always going to be a victim, that will subconsciously going to program your mind. Our subconscious mind does not know the difference between the past and things that will happen. Our subconscious mind is whatever you feed it today, it will eventually going to believe that. 

So if you’re going to keep telling yourself that you’re always going to be this way and you’re never going to change, your subconscious mind is going to believe that. However, if you keep saying to your subconscious mind saying that I am wonderfully and fearfully made, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. For God is not giving me the spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, of love, and a sound mind. Then that is exactly what you believe. You tell yourself that I am capable. I am worthy. I am loved. I am forgiven. and I am redeemed and I am courageous. 

Then that’s exactly how you’re going to believe that because what Jesus says again in Matthew 12:34, for out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. And it is not what goes into the mouth defiles a man, but what comes out of the mouth, this defiles a man. Defilement is desyncration. It’s about profane. It is actually what’s going on inside your heart. what you’ve been pondering the heart as the Bible says in Proverbs 4:23 keep the diligence of your heart for come out of come come out of it comes the issues of life the issues of life is obviously the words or the thoughts that you have been pondering upon so another reason why our speech and compassionate speech is important is because in Proverbs 15:12 it’s also talks about a soft answer turns away wrath but a harsh word steers of anger. The not the tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly.

 A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. So in order for us to deflect conflict and we try to learn how to have composure and being a person of emotional intelligence is that learning how to be soft and gentle in the way we talk to people, not harshness. As I said, you are being harsh or you are very volatile when it comes to your speech combative because of your masculine energy and you have not yet tap into your feminine energy. So being soft and being gentle. 

Majority of women actually have been. So this way of masculinity is because of how our society have programmed us to become especially when we are juggling so many responsibilities in life. We try to manage our house. We try to manage our household. We try to manage our finances. We manage our children, our husband. And then on top of that, we manage businesses or we go to work. And these are the reasons why sometimes that we forget that as a woman, we can actually tap into our masculinity when it we have to command the room or want somebody to trust us or to respect us. But sometimes it actually do the opposite. When you are too masculine, it’s going to create conflict in your marriage because if your husband is manly enough and he’s very masculine, no one wants to marry a dude. 

And that is why so many people will end up getting a divorce or conflict in the marriage because they’re coming into this relationship as controlling. They want to be the boss babe. They want to the woman wants to be the one who wears the pants in the relationship. And there’s going to be a struggle. There’s going to be a power struggle. And I really think this is a reason why for so many men they just give up and they become passive aggressive because they just say you want to control so I’m just going to let you control. 

And because we are the fruit of Eve and Adam where Adam was passive aggressive and Eve was the controller. She’s the usurper. She’s the manipulator. And this is why until to this day we still have the same issues with our marriages when it comes to power struggle. And one of the reasons why God said to the woman that you’re going to always want to overrule your husband, but eventually he’s going to win over you. Anyhow, I will just leave you with this that when it comes to communication with compassionate communication, it takes a lot of self-awareness.

Being aware of how you talk, being aware of your own thoughts, being aware of your own self and learning to navigate your triggers and learning to conduct in a way and activate emotional intelligence. Applying with deliberate and learning to think before you speak. These of course are not limited to practice. You have to practice and practice doesn’t make perfect. Practice makes progression. the more and more you practice and the more and more you apply emotional intelligence being selective of what you say and being selective of when you say it. 

There’s time to speak things when you want to discuss with someone especially you have to be able to read the room. Are they in the good mood? Are they not tired? Are they actually listening to you? Do they have your fullest attention? If people are distracted, you can tell them, “Will you please give me five or 10 minutes of your time so that they’re aware that you need to talk to them?” Sometimes when I’m talking to someone, when they’re in the middle of something like playing perhaps or watching something, you can ask them to pause what they’re watching or maybe go to the other bedroom when no one is actually listening to you in a private room where you need to discuss important matter. 

So when it comes to compassionate speaking or speech, you cannot give something that you don’t have. If you’re not even compassionate with your own self, if you don’t even have a full comprehension of how you feel and you have not tapped into your own self, you cannot possibly have a loving speech to someone else. You cannot have a deep connection with someone else unless you have a deeply connected with yourself. people that are not attuned to themselves is because they’re disconnected. 

And therefore, what made you think that they’re going to be connected with you on a deeper level.

And I believe that so many people are disconnected from their mind and their heart. They’re physically there, but they’re absent minded. Absent minded or they’re emotionally detached. These are the people that are have been wounded in the past that they have not yet honed into their or tap into their uh system or their healing journey. They are actually running away or they are actually not brave enough. They’re in denial. 

And that’s why sometimes when you talk to them, there’s a disconnect. They’re there physically. But when it comes to a connection, it’s very superficial. It’s they’re only showing you a part of them. And for so many people, majority of us, if you have not been healed yet, or you have not done the work of introspection, you are going to be have this disassociation from yourself. This is something to do with somebody that is there, but you are not connected with your heart and soul. You can feel it with in their presence. They are not performative. They are real. They’re authentic. 

When somebody is really are able to are he they’re when someone is coming from a healed place they are going to come to you without performance. They’re going to come in into a room of having conversation with you being present. You can feel their authenticity. You can feel that they’re not rushing. They can feel that when they talk to you they listen attentively without cutting you off. These are the people that have been healed or have done the work.

However, the people that have not done the work, they tend to over talk over you. They tend to talk fast. They tend to become so fidgety. They tend to become an very not easy and you can sense it in how they carry themselves. They sometimes look around. They avoid eye contact or sometimes when you ask them questions, they’re uncomfortable with specific questions. They become reactive or defensive. 

And these are the people that, as I said, they are still triggered or they have not yet healed their wounds. And if you want to work with me one-on-one, I have all the information linked down below. You can check out my blog or have a 30 minute probably consultation with me for free. If you want to get into this course that I’ve just made through Udemi and I’m actually going to put it onto Teachable as well. These are the healing of traumatic experiences the master class that I have done. It’s about one hour class that I have prepared for you. 

Last few years ago I have done it and then I actually took it out because I was not ready and now I just want to test to see if people are willing to hop on and check of what I have produced as a master class. This is something that I put together in depth of what really get gets into our uh psychological and our minds, our thoughts, our speech and this is what I have done through Canva many years ago that I able now to produce through Udemy. I hope that you are blessed with this message. I will see you on my next podcast. As always, I would like you to be bold, be brave, be courageous and have keep your faith.