Episode #43 – The Ongoing Struggle of Healing

Transcript:

Welcome to Soulish Femme! Soulish Femme is a channel solely dedicated for you where I help focus in prospering body, spirit and soul. Life is a journey and I am glad that you can be a part of mine. As you explore my vlogs and my real talk episodes, I hope you will find inspirations and motivation you are looking for. Remember that life is not going to wait around for you. Therefore, live a life with intentionality and curate the life you’ve always dreamed of. As much as I love to share about my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, I also would like to showcase my passions in life such as food, travel, fashion, beauty, and many more. To truly be free from the shackles of the systems limitation, you must decide once and for all to live unapologetically and live a life that makes you feel alive and rejuvenated every single day. Perhaps I am a hopeless or romantic person, but I truly believe we are meant to enjoy the wonders and the magnificent beauty the world has to offer. If you are ready to embark on your healing journey from traumatic experiences, feel free to check the link below to enroll in this course through Udemy. I will see you there. Thank you. Hello everyone. Welcome back to another podcast. [Music]

Hi everyone, welcome back on another podcast. My name is Glennavelle Manarang. To those of you who are here for the very first time, I would like to welcome you. With no further ado, let’s discuss about the ongoing struggle of healing. This is why it says in somewhere in 1 Peter 5’8 that says, “Be sober, be vigilant because your adversary, the devil, walks about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour.” Have you not felt like no matter how many times you thought you are going forward and still you’re going backwards and have those meltdown moments and throwing a tantrum and sometimes you thought to yourself, “When is this going to be over?”

Because the devil, the accuser of the brethren, it says the adversary, the ancient foe of old times, he is a prowling lion. I know you don’t want to think that he is usually used by God and we are being tested. Perhaps we might not want to realize that how can you possibly know if you’re growing if God is not going to give you trials. Think of yourself as a student. How does a teacher knows that you have learned the lesson? Well, she’s going to give you a quiz or a test to find out and to figure out that you’ve understood the lesson. The same thing with God. Sometimes we are being tested over and over again with patience perhaps with allowing ourselves to be in control with our emotions to have emotional intelligence in times of trials and what according to James that says be quick to listen slow to speak and because the wrath of God does not produce in the wrath of man and we were always going to be going back to the green pastures.

We are going to be lost sometimes and sometimes we’re going to have those moments that we are losing our temper and we thought that we are going to lose our salvation. Because we equate God’s love that if somehow we lose our temper today perhaps, God is not going to love me anymore. Or God is going to probably disown me because I have lost my temper and I am not the best version of myself and it’s just what it is. We are going to be tested and Satan is going to be the person or the spirit that God is going to use to test us or to tempt us. However, God doesn’t tempt us. God doesn’t actually give us any temptation. We are being tempted when we depart from his own authority or we depart from his guidance and under the protection of his wings. That’s why the Bible says God cannot tempt anyone. The moment you are becoming distracted by the world and distracted by your own ego and by your own, you know, choices in life. That’s exactly why.

Sometimes there’s a lot of enticement around the world. We get sucked into the things that are shiny objects and we lose sight of what really matters. And when we are becoming not on guard and we’re not attuned to the Holy Spirit, we are easily becoming manipulated. We are easily becoming sometimes get triggered easily. I remember the time when I’m always triggered by little nuances and the little things in life is because I was not under the mantle of protection of the divine which is the Holy Spirit. Sometimes when we think that we can walk in this life alone by not having the protection of God and the spirit that lives within us. This is exactly the way Satan knows because he walks in the spirit and he sees you when you are not fully have the armor of God. And when we think that living this life without the spirit of God. This is why I don’t understand people who could live life without God in themselves. Life is already hard than it is. And without God in them, this is why many people get into this kind of substance abuse and addictions. Because how can you possibly live a life without the spirit of the one who created you?

And so when you think that you are failing time and time again and this life is so hard, I thought I have got this under control. My addictions is gone. Maybe I thought I’m going to be healed. I’m not going to be able to just throw a tantrum or lose my temper. That is just contrary from the truth. Because even though you think you have perfected your emotions that you’re not going to throw a tantrum, sometimes you are going to just hit something on the floor or you’re just going to explode. Jesus was tempted when he was tired after he fasted for 40 days. So, when Satan or the accuser or the adversary are going to tempt us when we’re tired, when we have not not enough sleep and when we’re actually have so many struggles in life and you throw it on top of that. He adds fuel to the fire. That’s why the Bible is clear, submit to God resist the devil and he will flee from you.

So, how do we able to withstand this ongoing struggle of our adversary? We have to submit to God and so that the devil is going to resist and flee from us and by humbling ourselves before the living God. And prayer is one of the things that truly is going to make you resilient and strengthen in your faith in the Lord. Whenever you are feeling as though I can’t go on anymore, God, I can’t do this anymore. I feel like I am just going to lose it and I’m just going to throw the towel and give up on my healing journey. And this is the reason why Satan tempted Jesus because he was tired. He perceived that Jesus was also hungry. Hunger and tiredness are deadly combination. And when you are not alert, that’s why it says be vigilant. Be on guard because your enemy is a prowling lion. He knows exactly your weaknesses. He knows when the time to piss you off when you are tired, when you’re hungry, when you don’t have enough sleep at night and here comes your children. They will say the wrong things and you snap. Maybe your husband too.

And that is why we are told to be vigilant and we always be prayer prayerful. And another thing that I want you to understand when it comes to healing it seems as there is a struggle is because we think that a healing is somewhat we can take a pill and hoping that by tomorrow morning or there is an expiration time there’s a specific year that you’re going to be healed. Apparently that is not the case. Each healing or process of healing it depends on the individual. You cannot compare your healing with your next door neighbor. And it depends on the kind of trauma that you’re you have dealt with. Some people have been traumatized and who have been abused that you have never would imagine how they’re able to survive. And some people’s trauma are nothing like your trauma. And it depends on how you deal with it. It depends on the kind of faith that you have in yourself and in faith in God.

And that’s why sometimes it is a struggle because you have to unlearn a lot of patterns in your life, a lot of painful experiences that you have to uncover and you have to relearn it again. It is like taking your life into they’re in pieces. They’re actually been shattered and you’re trying to put it all back together. This is why there’s a lot of times when you are being triggered, you have to remind yourself that this trigger is actually from my past. Why do you do the same thing over and over again in your current relationship? It’s because of what happened to you in the past. Whatever you are doing right now in your current relationship is the remnant of the things that you used to do. I catch myself doing this. The things that I used to say and the things that I habitually do because of the things that I used to do way back in my old relationship. this were my old wounds that are showing up. And you got to be able to really just recognize that and acknowledge the fact that okay this old pattern of mine when I speak this way it’s because of your own subconscious mind that has been programmed that way.

That’s why you need to have self-awareness and you got to be able to understand that there are things left unsaid and there are things that you shouldn’t actually allow yourself to react that way. I, as I said, healing is a mess. I wish people can just be honest to themselves and and not just think that healing is going to be one year after one year I’m going to be okay. I’ve been trying so to heal for about what 10 years now and I’m still sometimes a mess. I’m getting better at it and there are days that I’m not. Sometimes I still flipped over the small things. I still lose my temper over the little things. It’s because I recognize that that’s the old me. That’s the old version of her. I mean, look, she’s coming out. And I have to realize that the old version of me, she’s going to come out one way or another. Because, as I said, there are three kinds of us. The first person, she’s the one before she was abused. The second one is the one that was abused. The third one, she is now trying to figure out who who is she? Am I the person before I was abused or during the abuse or after the abuse?

And that’s what I said. You are going to have three different different kinds of persona. And I want you to understand that it’s okay that people are going to label you as bipolar or multi-personality, multiple personality because you are not just one dimension. Especially for us who have been traumatized, who have been betrayed, who have been through stuff in our lives, we are going to have different kinds of personalities that’s going to show up one way or another. And this is what people don’t understand because you are trying to decipher who are you really. Are you still the same person before the abuse? The person that was gullible, the person that was easily manipulated, the person that was actually could not even hurt a bug, or are you the person now that is very straightforward, very honest, or the one who has boundaries? Which one are you really? Or the person that is highly sensitive, the person that was easily triggered because she’s going to show up too.

So in my own experience, that’s why sometimes it feels though like am I having three different people that lives in me? No, it’s about survival. It is about trying to figure out who are you really? Because as I said, I wish people would have understand that it is a complicated topic. Trauma is a complex. It is not just a puzzle that you’re just going to solve and then every puzzle is going to be in front of you and you have all the puzzle together. Sometimes it’s about unlearning bad habits, recognizing that the things that you’re doing are actually distraction. It’s they’re not helpful in the long term. And that is why it takes a lot of honesty. It takes a lot of confession with your own self. That’s why I always like to say learn to self-introspect and really understand yourself. No one has the time or nobody would really care about you except yourself. You have to be your own student. You have to really understand why do you think and why do you act and why do you behave the way that you do? Maybe because of your upbringing.

As I said, majority of our stuff that we carry is because of our old wounds, our old past. These are the remnants of our childhood. Things that are not pleasant, the things that we have copied from people around us. And especially when you’re trying to heal, there’s going to be resistance. Your new self is going to resist that because you’re so used to navigate and to have this defensive mechanism that is your survival mode. I became defensive. I was very defensive. I was very irate. I was very angry because of the things that I’ve been through. So that was my default. That was my automatic response because of the betrayal, because of the pain, because of the hurt that people did to me. So of course, that is your natural way of trying to tell people that you have been hurt. And that’s why you’re because you’re trying to embody a new version of you. And your brain and yourself, your old self and your new self is going to compete with each other. They’re going to have resistance.

Your new version of you is going to say, “Wait a minute. This is not who you are. This is not how you act. This is actually a different version of you. So, don’t be surprised that sometimes you seem pleasant and sometimes you seem as though the nicest person in the room and the next time when you know you have a bad day and you’re going to flip and you’re not calm and you’re just going to lose it, it’s because there’s a resistance. that version of yourself that was older. She’s going to resist the new version of you saying, “But you are so used at yelling at everybody. You’re so good at losing your temper over the little things and you’re so good at getting triggered by the little nuances. And so, what made you think that this new version of you is going to last?” Because there’s going to be the pull and the push and that’s just how it is. So don’t be surprised by sometimes thinking to yourself, “Oh, I’m just going to beat myself up. I hate myself for doing this because all of a sudden, I thought I am this version, calm, cool, and collected.”

And suddenly somebody triggered you or say something nasty. There you are. Your old version that is angered again. And there goes your critic brain that’s going to say, “See, I told you you have never changed. I told you she’s going to show up one way or another.” Don’t let that voice deter you from going forward. Do not allow that negative critic that is part of your brain that says I know that you’re not capable of changing and I know that you’re going to be stuck your old pattern that old voice that is very highly critical who’s going to tell you that you’re not capable you’re going to be able to shut it down because that negative nayers that is inside of you she’s going to come out and she’s going to make sure that you are not going to go forward I am sure that if you are living In this world, you cannot just disagree with me that you do have two persons that living inside of you. You cannot always be positive. There’s always going to be negative and positive inside of you.

Hopefully, the positive one is always going to win over instead of the negative one because the negative one wants to drag you back down to where you belong. Negative critical people, even your own self, they want you to be stagnant, complacent, and get stuck. And they just wish that you can just stay where you’re at. Why? because they want you to be manipulated easily and they want you to stay stupid and dumb. That’s why growth is hard and moving forward is hard. If it’s that easy to grow up, everybody would have done it by now, right? That’s why many people struggle with growth and they don’t want to change because complacency and staying on the same rut is so comfortable. We like to be familiar. Familiarity breeds contempt. And many people like to be familiar because they don’t want to change. But if you’re not changing, you’re practically dead.

As I said, anything that does not move is dead. When it is brittle, when it becomes snappy, when it snaps, it’s dead. Like the twig outside of the tree, it’s going to snap because it’s dead. So if you want to grow, you’ve got to be able to just face challenges and be able to say, you know what, I screwed up today and it’s okay. You know what? I have lose my temper this morning because over the little things, maybe my child did something stupid and dumb or my husband said something that annoys me. You got to be able to say, you know what, this too shall pass. You have to be able to move fast, move quick, do not dwell on it, and don’t beat yourself up. And that has worked all the time in my life. I mean, you could just sit down and feel sorry of what you’ve said and maybe ruminate about it of how cruel you sounded over the small things.

And I know you can say and admit to yourself that maybe I should have said it better or maybe I should have never dealt with that kind of indifference or maybe I should have been more careful of with my words. It’s okay to acknowledge your fault, but do not linger. Do not dwell on that kind of situation. You have to be able to move as fast as you can because the more and more you beat yourself up and you dwell with that kind of things that you could have, should have, would have said said it better, then you’re going to have this stuck in your own way of victimhood mindset and you’re going to feel sorry for yourself and you’re going to beat yourself up. As I always like to say, just do it. the faster you move on with your maybe inadequacy and the faster you move out of that kind of rut, the quicker it is for you to get over things.

I think if there’s any secret that you can take from my talk is that you got to be able to move on as quickly as you can and do not allow yourself to ponder. I mean sometimes I like to really navigate things and understand what made me pick tick off and what made me upset and that’s why journaling and self- introspection comes at play. However, there must be an expiration date. You cannot really just think about it over and over again. It’s going to drive you crazy and you’re going to end up doing nothing. Much of the things that I like to do, that’s why I get things done because I don’t linger. I don’t ponder on it for a long time. I do not sit on them for a long time. I do not sleep on them for a long time. I move on. I say, “Okay, you messed up this morning. Okay, you said the wrong things. I apologize.” But you got to be able to move on and do something else with your life.

Maybe create a podcast. Clean up your pantry. Organize your bedroom. I don’t know. Do something valuable instead of just contemplating on the things that you cannot control because there are things that you cannot control. According to Charles window, it’s about 90% is within our control, but the 10% sometimes we can’t control them. People eventually, I mean, especially people, we cannot control them. I wish people could behave and act and think logically and have wisdom in them. But majority of people are not like us and they don’t think like us. And some of the people in our lives are still infant. They have not grown. That’s why Paul said, “I wish that everybody can can have a solid food that they can eat and they can chew, but majority of us are still like an infant who needs to have milk, a baby formula, and they’re not really capable of teaching you with anything because they’re still infant.”

I mean, they can teach you about yourself, though. It’s amazing that sometimes the people in our lives that we think are problem they are actually the gauge or the barometer or the measurement of how we are growing up. I really think sometimes God allows difficult people in our lives or they they he allows us to encounter a bad day or a bad conversation with people who disagree with us because it’s a test of our character. It is the gauge whether or not we have emotional intelligence. it is the case whether or not we can actually communicate without losing it. I mean our children sometimes are going to test our character. Our husband they are the mirror and they’re actually going to project something about us maybe that we’re not aware of.

And so we think that the people around us are not really tools that God is using to expose our own darkness, to expose our own weaknesses.

Sometimes I wonder why does God allow this to happen? And then I look back and I actually ask myself, did I respond better? Did I say things that are hurtful or was it did I say things that are edification? So sometimes we think that challenges and people usually that will challenge us, we think they’re actually not a gift. They’re actually blessing in disguise because now you’ll understand that wait a minute, why did why was I triggered in this area? It’s because I still need to work on that area. Why am I triggered when he said this? It’s because it’s reminding me that I’m not fully healed, that I’m still I need to work on on my issues with bitterness or resentment or insecurities perhaps. Why am I being so worked up over the the smallest things is because that’s still an old remnant pain that is still inside of your heart that is not completely healed yet.

And so that’s why when you think that healing is struggle sometimes and no matter what you do, you try to journal, right? Sometimes like journaling doesn’t really help. You try to meditate. You try to maybe sit with your pain. All of the tools that I’ve told you before. I you try to sit and contemplate and think positive. And sometimes you think that all of these tools are going to help you. But why is it that sometimes you’re snappy? Well, how about your time of reflection about praying in God? Because there are times that we cannot do things externally with our own muscle. We cannot do it with our own vices. Sometimes we really need the supernatural power of God. The power of the Holy Spirit that’s going to change you from the inside out. So I am just going to leave you with this. It doesn’t matter how many times you journal or you do your yoga or stretching or meditate or contemplate.

Sometimes it takes a lot of the power of the Holy Spirit that is going to change you from the inside out. That’s why God said I mean the power of the Holy Spirit Jesus said apart from me you can’t do anything. I mean you just have to admit that there’s a supernatural aspect when when it comes to healing and you really think I’m going to live out God out of this. You’re absolutely wrong. And so that is my biggest secret of all is that without the Holy Spirit of God no matter what you do you can journal all you want. drink mai Thai all day long and meditate out of the tree wherever you want to find a lotus tree. These things are external but they actually need you to go within which is the kingdom of God is within you and you got to be able to understand that it takes a lot of supernatural control and power to change you from the inside out. That is the reason why I am what I am today.

And I was able to get through a lot of hardships in my life is because it was the power of a supernatural, the transcendent divine that was able to embodied me and and took over my whole being. That’s why Jesus said, “If you want to be my disciple, you must deny yourself and pick up your cross and follow me daily.” It’s not just one of those teaching that you’re going to not apply because life is hard and he wants you to deny. Denial of oneself is denying of your own ego, denying of your own pride, denying of your own victimhood mindset, denying of your own proclivity that woe is me. I am a victim of my circumstance. Denial is hard because our world wants you to be the focal point of attention. The world wants to be me, myself, and I. Put me on the pedestal. I want the applause from people. I want the validation. That’s the world for you.

And but the Bible though it’s contrary to what the world teaches. The Bible says if you want to be a friend of God, you must be a foe to the world. And the world, what does the world offer? Is the lust of the flesh, the lies, it’s the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life. It is what it is. It’s pride of life. It is not about humbling before God. The world doesn’t recognize who God is. The world doesn’t want to admit that there is the creator greater than them. and they just do not recognize that there is a divine a creator who created trees and sunlight and moose. They’re worshiping the creation but they don’t worship the creator. And that’s the sad part. And this is why if you think that I will give you a different kind of formula or different kind of answers that the reason why I’m healed is because of my own doing.

Part of it yes it was part of my own doing. It’s part of my own participation with the divine with God with the creator. But it also took a lot of humbling spirit and really asking God for help and mercy and for teaching me how to listen to his teachings by reading his Bible and contemplating about his word of how does this apply into my life. When God said the thoughts and the plans that I have for you is not for harm for evil but it’s for give you hope in a future. But when you ask yourself the question how is it hopeful and how is it for my future when you have it when I have endured pain and you have allowed me to suffer? How is it for my benefit? How does it benefit me when I suffer? Sometimes you ask those questions with God. And it’s okay to ask God the question because Job asked the same question. Why did you allow this bad things to happen in my life? Everyone if you have a mind you would ask the same question. Why do you allow suffering if you are good?

But look what happened to Job afterwards. He became the true first truest friend of God that he actually was multiplied upon blessings upon blessings. The same thing with Joseph. So don’t be surprised that when you want to gain heaven and when you want to be able to look higher, you got to be able to compete. And suffering is part of it though. I don’t understand sometimes why God would allow suffering. It’s because it’s for your own good. I know we think like why do I have to suffer? Why can just life be good? Because you’re not an animal. The difference between you and the beast and the animal, animals, they don’t know the difference between suffering. They don’t have to experience logic. They don’t understand reasoning. You on the other hand have a choice that you have to make.

What are you going to do with the suffering though? Are you going to remain bitter or better? I mean that’s the question. The difference between you and animals because animals cannot really pain the way that humans do. I mean we can use our suffering so that we can also comfort those who have suffered and so that we know exactly what to do when people suffer because we’ve been there done that. We walk on their shoes. You have empathy with people because you have walked and you understand what it feels like to be betrayed and to be broken and to have the kind of pain that you have endured. And that’s why God said you’re able to sympathize with them because you have walk in their shoes. And now you’re not going to say just say I’m sorry casually. You you really feel the pain of people.

And isn’t it sad that people who have been in pain and who have been betrayed the most, they’re supposed to sympathize with the ones who never had to go through anything like you did? Isn’t that sad? Because I really think that the greatest teacher of all are the ones who have been through pain. The greatest teacher of all are the ones who have walked the kind of pain that never would have ever imagined who ever survived. But the people who’ve never endured pain, they’re the ones who actually needs to be reminded that the reason why you’re not growing up is because you never had enough pain. Maybe you need to just realize that you’re lucky enough or you’re blessed enough that God never had given you the kind of problem because maybe if you did, you’re never going to be able to make it or never able to probably use it for the betterment of your own self or help other people.

So, we do have a choice to make that sometimes God doesn’t give problems to people the way that they’re given because they’re not able they’re not capable capable of handling them. they’re not the kind of people who who can endure the kind of trauma and that’s why if God has not given you the kind of problem that the way that he did you should be grateful and you should be thankful and that is something that you should always remind yourself that I am one of the luckiest one that god never gave me the kind of suffering the way that she suffered or the way that he suffered or the way that he endured because not everyone is created equal that’s why God said or Jesus said many are called but few are chosen. Chosen people I think they have to endure greater things. I’m not saying that I’m chosen or I’m the special one. But I’m just saying that when we are being used to advance the kingdom of God, you have to be able to learn to suffer and to endure it. And in the word of God, there are so many verses that tells you be resilient, be enduring. You have to endure. Be steadfast. Be immovable. And do not quit or give up because when you want to get the prize of heaven, you have to win the battle.