Episode #18 – Womanhood:The Ongoing Evolution

Transcript

hi everybody! Welcome back to another podcast! Welcome to Soulish femme, this is Glennvelle Manarang your hostess for today. In today’s episode is about trying to figure out how being a woman. No, you are not behind. Unfortunately, we have bought a specific program from the rest of the world albeit maybe it was handed over to you by your parents. The standard of the society that tells you at a certain age, you must do this and have your kids and have a picket fence house and buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40 years old. I mean all the things that we thought that these were important and fast forward, as we are living now we realize that these things are not that important really. So, these are the things I could tell you when you’re in your 20s or you’re still starting your life. These are the advices that nobody really told me. It’s a matter of trial and error. These are my personal experiences and I’m thankful for those experiences because I am the woman that I am today.

When you are in your 20s, you are still scrambling and trying to figure out who you want to become in this world. What kind of life you would like to lead? Of course, I did not get married at the age of 29. I was very a late bloomer. I was not one of those typical women or little girls who had their wedding dates planned and how many guests are they’re going to attend on their wedding. Or, you know this is the kind of a house I’m going to live in and how many kids. I was actually not planning to be married because I grew up in a family of a broken home. At the age of 12, I told myself that I’m not going to get married because some men are the same as my dad that he’s just going to leave me and find another woman and I’m going to leave with his kids and raising four kids on my own. So, I had those fear and of course, you just think to yourself, if you’re not going to believe in love. Then what’s the point of living? This is why I have decided to get married very late.

Have fun while you’re young

Because in my early 20s, I had fun. I promised myself that I’m not going to get married until I had fun. When I was in high school and somebody said to me that we’re going to date and after we dated, after we graduate from college, we’re going to move somewhere and we’re just going to have kids. And I was actually afraid because I told I told him “I’m not ready yet.” And he was already proposing to me at the age of 18 and I was in high school and he was in high school and we were a long-distance relationship but those were the things that really scared me as a young girl. Thinking to myself that I need to have fun first. So, if you’re in your 20s, you learn to have fun. Not to get pregnant of course because that’s a different story. Because if you’re a pregnant woman and still going to college then how can you possibly have fun and have the responsibility. So, when you’re in your 20s, make a lot of mistakes and really live your life. I was really privileged and honored to be able to live on my own at the age of 23 for seven up to eight years and I had to really understand on what to do with my life and the kind of things I had to learn which are finances.

Those were the times when I got kicked out and I don’t want to get into detail. It was so hard because there was a drama going on in my family and it was living with my dad’s side and I couldn’t really get into the details of why it happened. But it was something to do with my uncle and so it forced me to become an adult. So, mind you I was in my twenties when I got kicked out and I had to figure out how to live in this world and how to navigate life and at the same time I was going full-time. I had a job and I was also decided to go part-time school at night time. So, those were the times that I was really tested in how to grow up. It forces me how to make some meals and how to prepare meals. Those were the times when I also struggled with narcissistic abusive relationship and as you can say that my life was nothing but hell. It was hell from the start. It was something that truly I was tested and forged in the fire. If you think about really living my life. Right now, I can say that my life right now the difficulties that I’m facing is nothing. It’s not as worse as I had then when I was in my 20s, let’s just say that.

Learn as you go

So, just first of all being thrown out into the world and you have no direction. You have no supervision, you’re practically still trying to figure out, what the heck are you going to do with your life? So, the fear of course is relevant. The fear is something that I had to deal with and at the same time when you have faith and I only live in prayer so much and I thought to myself okay this is a test of my faith and also it was going to test of my maturity. So, I had to look for an apartment which I bought I mean. I saw an apartment and I lived there for at least 7 years . That’s when I decided to really hone in into my financial skills that I was not really still good at even to this day. But at least, I promised myself to pay off all of my bills. I live pay check to pay check like most probably people until to this day and I accumulated at least 25,000 worth of credit card debts. Because I was living in my credit card. Because I was barely you know saving. I was spending because when you are struggling financially at the same time you are traumatized and you’re going through your trauma. There was so much going on in my 20s that I thought I was not going to survive. So, not only was I dealing with my trauma from my abusive dad and then at the same time I was also figuring out how to becoming an adult. And at the same time I did not know that I was getting involved in another narcissistic abusive relationship.

So, my life was nothing short of drama. It was nothing short of craziness and I was going around trying to survive and it was something that I had to really deal with myself finding who I wanted to become and I did not realize that until later on in life. So, in my 20s, I also learned how to have fun, made a lot of friends, hang out in the weekends went clubbing and karaoke at night time and I also went to college. As I told you many times before on my channel, these were my defense mechanism. These were my crutches. These were my band-aids because I didn’t really want to deal with my past so what did I do at my 20s? I feel like I was a bird, fully free from out of the cage. I could do whatever I want. I could finally just live however I want without a person telling me what to do. But my finances were struggling. But with God’s grace, he was able to provide for me financially. I don’t know how. It was a time that I said I went to the library and search some books on how to budget. So, if you could tell your younger self and if you’re in your 20s, you should learn about finances: how much you’re making.

Basic knowlege about finance

These were the basic things I have to learn how much income you’re taking home after the tax. This is the gross versus the net income. S,o the net income is after your tax payment and then you subtract your variables and your fixed expenses. Figuring out how much you have left over. So, basically my left over was minus $15 per month that was my leftover. After taking you know the rent the utilities plus your car payment, your car insurance, your food, gasoline so you have to take those things in consideration and it was still kind of like expenses. When I was living there in the east coast and I don’t know how as I said it was the grace of God that I was able to pay off my rent. There were times that I would be late on my rent and I have to really just pay the extra fees and talk to the land lord and saying I’m not going to be able to pay you know this date and can I is it possible that I’m going to pay at this date. So, I had to really have to negotiate and learn how to negotiate and also on top of that I also have to stop buying so much food outside and I had to learn how to cook. Thanks to the Food Network. I had to learn how to cook pasta that’s when I learned how to cook, simple recipes going to the library and also borrowed some cook books.

And as I said, when you are living on your own because you don’t have a choice because nobody really was there to help me or to rescue me that’s when the time that you’re being tested and I think those were the preparation that God had me to deal with. Because fast forward they become handy now that I’m a wife. It’s now becoming handy and I told my husband and I sometimes joke around saying to him, if you would have met me before and you would have met the woman that I was very broke and didn’t know anything about finances. I was all over the place, disorganized. I was irresponsible. I was always spending money like there was no tomorrow. My money probably would go into makeup. I would always go buy some clothes that I don’t need. I always get my hair cut every at least every week that my hair stylist would sometimes tell me. I am not going to cut your hair anymore because there’s nothing for me to cut because it was already too short. I had a short hair above cut but because I did not know that there was a correlation between my hair and the things that I was struggling inside of me.

I didn’t know that as a woman, we pick in our hair when we are going through distress. When we are going through some kind of trauma in our lives, we usually try to change our appearance because we think that this thing is going to help us relieve our stress. Apparently, these were just some kind of a band-aid. So, I was using my hair to help me overcome whatever it is that I was dealing with. I didn’t realize that until later on maybe you could agree with me or not but it was something that I had to spend on my money: hair and on the makeup, on the clothes that I don’t need and I was always getting into debt. Even though, I know I should save money but then I had this fear later on in my mid 20s that I told myself, if you’re not going to get your act together you’re going to be homeless, you’re going to live out in the streets. So I had to get my act together. I have to get my house in order. That’s when I really had to said to myself, “You don’t have a choice you have to pay off your debt rightnow.” And I had to ask for for consolidation and help me be able to pay off those debts slowly but surely and I promised myself that beforeI get married I would pay off my 25,000 worth of credit cards that I’m not going to bring this to my marriage because it’s going to be another problem.

Follow your dream

So I also promised to myself that if ever I’m going to have a credit card. I’m going to only have one credit card to my name which I also kept that until to this day. So these are the things that you have to really learn how to cook, learn how to budget, learn how to manage your time wisely and I also went to school and also decided to just get myself busy. Although I went to school for no apparent reason. I thought it was a waste of time because somebody told me to just go to school. It was kind of advice that the world gave you go to school but then you don’t know exactly what you’re going . So if you area person and you’re still in college and you have no idea what you’re going to major in. And you’re just going to end up getting a degree and you cannot get a job after you graduate. Just don’t do it and because you’re stuck with that student loan. Anyway like myself, I’m still trying to figure out how to get rid of the student loan and if you are so sure about what you want like being a nurse, being a doctor, a lawyer or whatever it is, then go for it. But for the rest of us, who didn’t have any supervision who didn’t have a clear idea of what you want to become. I ended up getting a liberal studies because I was so confused of what I wanted. Mind you, I actually wanted to become a journalist but of course my dad said, it’s just a waste of time. It’s a very competitive career so I opt out altogether.

Another thing is that you do not listen from people’s advice when somebody tells you to do such thing and they don’t really understand why you want to do them. Don’t listen to these people. The problem with me is I kept listening to the wrong voices, the wrong advices that they’re actually a failure and they have nothing to prove. And another thing that I was going to do back in college was that not to go to college after high school. But to actually get into real state and I should have listened to my own self but I did not listen to that voice either, I ended up listening to that voice that was leading me nowhere. So, instead of listening to your own intuition, your conscience, your God’s voice or whatever you want to name that you should follow that. Looking back, I should have obeyed that intuition because when that intuition tells you that is so clear itis actually guiding you to the right way. Apparently that because you’re still a child and you still don’t know exactly what you want and when you ask people for an advice. They tell you so many advices but at the end of the day, it’s actually doing disservice to you because you’re not them and they’re not you.

And when you are not careful, we think that people have the best intentions at heart. But looking back, I’m thinking to myself I should have listened to myself. I should have not listened or asked people for advice because that’s the problem of always looking and seeking advice from people that you’re going to end up losing sight of what it is that you want. But anyway, you live and you learn. So, these are the things that you have to do. Another thing is that you need to enjoy yourself. So, I went out clubbing. This is why now that I’m a mother. I’m a stay-home mom. I feel like I have not missed out on anything because I have lived there. I have done the work. I have actually enjoyed my single years. I did not regret one thing. Of course when you get drunk is another thing but I was also drinking responsibly. I just did not just go out and get drunk but I also was being a responsible person and I was always afraid that if I get drunk, do you think one of my friends are going to pick me up. Or they’re going to leave me here in the bar or somewhere in the disco or it was what do you call, this it was a club that I was hang out on the weekend. So there was this fear that I cannot be drunk but I have to be responsible when it comes to drinking. I would drink but at the same time I was not intoxicated.

Have fun and be smart

So you also must learn to have fun but not be stupid okay. So you can have fun but do not be stupid at the same time. And another thing that you must do when you’re younger of course is that in your 20s, as I said, you got to enjoy yourself. And maybe if I could go back, I would save up so much money right now so that I can have a lot of savings at this time of my life. But because we are told the other way. When you’re young, your tendency is to have fun. Forget about you know working, working because you have plenty of time. But you have got to really make sure that time is so short. In the blink of an eye, you’re going to be in your 30s and 40s and you’re just going to say “What just happened to the time. It just went by so fast.” But because we do it reversely. Majority of people, would you know work until they’re in their 50s and it’s too late and now. They’re like I can’t even retire right now because I have nothing to save but yet and they when they’re younger years, they just squander their time. They squander their money like myself I was wasting my money on things that are unnecessary. I was wasting my money on having good time and just buying things that I don’t need.

So if you could and you still have time right now make sure that you work hard right now when you’re young and save up as much as you can and get out of debt and be financially independent if you possibly can so that when you become an adult. Or you have your family or you become married, you have something to fall back on. Because majority of us women, we don’t usually think about this that it’s going to have an impact in our lives when we grow older. And another thing is that when you are in your 20s or 30s and your family ask you why you’re still not married, why are you a late bloomer like myself. Everybody was getting married in my family. Everybody was getting engaged and I was actually late and I did not allow those people give me the pressure of well you might be an old maid. I’m thinking to myself, I don’t care if I’m going to be married in my late 30s. As long as I know who I’m going to get married. It is so sad that people would tell you that you must be married at a certain age and if you’re not married at this certain age something’s wrong with you.

Get your life together

If you are going to marry someone make sure that this is exactly who you want to marry to and then before you get married, you make sure that you are going to talk to your person or your spouse to be or husband to be about your past. When I got married before I got married. I had to lay everything down to my husband. Another advice that I’m going to give you, as a sisterly advice or a motherly advice. Before saying I do, you make sure that you tell your partner your spouse your husband to be, of all the secrets that you have done. Because you don’t want to get into this marriage having a secret because I’m telling you that will become a problem. So you have to be open about it. You have to talk to your husband to be of what it is your expectations, what are the deal breaker, we all know that infidelity will be a deal breaker. Maybe you know cheating spouse or partner that would be something that is. It depends, some people can live with that too. Some people are okay having an affair and they’re just going to forgive that person but when my husband and I before we got married. We all laid down everything. We talk about money. What are we going to do with the finances and we told ourselves we made a promise that money is not the issue. It’s never going to be an issue of you know a deal breaker but it was something to do about infidelity and also the secret. You have to really be honest and be vulnerable enough to share about your past whether it’s ugly or it’s not ugly.

Something that you are open to do this because some people will find out eventually when they get married. It’s too late you cannot really go back now and unsigned the paper once you said I do and you have signed the paper then you’re going to file for a divorce. It’s another head ache might as well be smart about it and prepare for your future and just not discuss about things when it’s too late. Some people get into a marriage without even counting the cost. Jesus said, whenyou build something, you must count the cost and people signing up for something like marriage is a commitment. It is not something that it’s an easy task because it takes a lot of two people and there’s going to be laws involved and there’s going to be alimony involved. And if you have a child is a is going to bea lot of headache. So be aware of those things that when you really get married and you commit with someone make sure. He is the one and you’re not have the doubt and I prayed and prayed about it and asked God if this person is really the one for me and mind you people were giving me advices and as I said becareful who you get the advice from.

Marry someone you truly desire

There were so many mixed signals saying you know this person is not this and that person but at the end of the day. It’s actually your choice. It is the person that you’re willing to live with for the rest of your life. If you can so this is why it’s not up to people who’s going to decide for you whom you should marry and who you’re going to spend your time with or life with because it is your life so that is something that you have to figure out on your own. So when you get into a relationship especially marriage you make sure that you are happy with your decision and you’re going to lay it all down and be honest with your past with no hidden agenda or secret. Because I’m telling you, if the foundation is not strong, your marriage will be tested and it’s not going to last forever and that’s why divorce rates is so high. Because they get into their marriage. They only think about the butterflies and you know the good it makes me feel happy in the moment. But then fast forward, the person’s true colors is going to reveal when he’s sad, when he’s mad, when he’s upset and also your too you’re going to carry all this baggage in your relationship and that is also going to be a problem. And so another thing that I would like for you to think about as a woman is that you just have to embrace the changes that you have to go through in life because once you’re in your 30s. You have a a different kind of issues that you have to deal with and another thing if you’re going to get into your marriage is you have to be able to get through therapy or seek counseling like I did.

Work on your trauma

Especially when you have been traumatized as a child when you have been sexually abused. A survival of sexual abuse is really hard. Getting into a marriage, you’re going to have trust issues and as I have done a podcast several year not years several days ago that I have been through so many therapists and I went to the church. I went to women’s retreat. I had people that helped me. I had to do a lot of inner work. Inner work is not a one-time deal. It is not a one night success. There is no magic formula for you to be healed. It is an ongoing process. It is every day, day in and day out. I have to cry so many nights. I have to be able to be uncomfortable in my pain. To sit with my pain. I had to to sit in the dark room which is usually my closet, interrogate myself and asked myself. The question why did you feel this way what triggers it what is the source of this problem because you must be willing participant if you want to be healed. Many people today are not completely healed. Because they go to the gym they thought that going to the gym and drinking the right mai tai and getting their nails done or their hair done is going. To make them feel better about themselves but they don’t want to do the inner work which is going inside of yourself.

You must be willing to sit with your trauma and interrogate and ask yourself a damn question or be honest with yourself and says what are my triggers? What are my wounds? Where did this wound come from majority of our wounds are coming from our parents okay by the way. That is reality majority of your trauma are from your mom and your dad majority of it the things that youhave learned from your childhood is because you have copied them from your caretakers. You have borrowed them from the people that you have lived with. These are habits. These are adapted behavior that are toxic sometimes and if you are lucky enough or blessed enough to have a beautiful family. A healthy family then you don’t have a problem. But majority of us, most of our triggers and most of our trauma and most of our wounds are copied behavior from our parents from our mom that was you know narcissistic. She was snappy. She was impatient. Maybe you had a mom that was avoidant. She was there physically but her mind was somewhere else. She is not emotionally present maybe your dad was also not there and so you have. This father wounds that is going to create a lot of trust issue in your marriage that you feel as though. No matter what you do you have this fear that maybe your husband is just like your dad. He’s going to leave you anyway and look for another woman.

So, you have to really deal with those trauma because eventually that’s going to create a lot of tension in your relationship. It’s going to create a lot of tension in your marriage and you’re going to sabotage whatever God has given you. That’s why many people, they get into a relationship and they wonder why they think the same thoughts and this is why they feel the same way and when I truly understand why I had so much fear with betrayal and I had fear of losing my husband. I had fear of maybe this partner of mine or my husband is going to leave me one day is because it all comes down to my childhood trauma the fear of being abandoned and neglected.

And so you just have to have faith in God when you put your trust in the Lord and you are going to trust God. No matter what happens. Even if people walk away from you you’re good because you said in your you going to tell yourself that no matter what happens. Even if people are not going to stay with you in the long run at least God is there. God is going to be your confident. God is going to be your father. God is going to be your brother who sticks stronger and loyal to you like your brother. If you have faith and you truly have Jesus in your life you are going to just say “I can deal with this. I know that whatever happens in my life I know that I can get through it.” Because Jesus promised us that in this life you will have tribulation. There is no guarantee in this life that you’re not going to face challenges. It is guaranteed that Jesus said you will have tribulation, you will have trials you will face challenges. You are not guaranteed of you know free of problem. There’s no such thing as I will be in my 20s and 30s and 40s and my problems will go away. I think life will throw us so many challenges because it will forces us to grow up and to mature and to help us deal with our trauma and help us deal with the things that we need to grow and we need to learn from.

Motherhood

And of course and I am in my 40s right now another thing that I’m struggling with not only being a mother. I had to go through some kind of transitioning from being a single self-absorbed. It was all about me. It was my schedule. Nobody was bothering me. Now being a mother is another problem so if you are not healed as a woman and then you’re going to get into a marriage and then you have children on top of that. No wonder why some women are depressed. They just so stressed out because they don’t know how to properly manage themselves and then they don’t know how to deal with their trauma too. Sometimes we take our frustrations to our children and you have to apologize as a mother if you have failed. Sometimes as a mother because you’re human you snap at your kids. It’s okay. You give yourself that grace and you learn to apologize to your kids. If you snap sometimes, I would snap at my son and I would say something that is mean you must be willing to be humble and say “I’m sorry for snapping at you or for saying things that are cruel or mean. Because you’re only human and make them understand because I think children understands better. Not just pretending like everything is okay and you’re just going to forget about what you have done or said when you made the person upset.

I think part of being a mother is we forget that we’re also human that we are not invincible. We forget that we as a mother too have so much stress that we deal with and you also throw on top of that is perimenopause. And if you’re a mother and you’re you’re also a wife and you’re going to go through perimenopause there’s a transition from being the girl and to being a woman and then you’re going to you’re going to halt your period. And this is what I said, why do women are not talking more about this as if it’s a taboo. As if, it’s some kind of a disease that we’re so afraid of talking about perimenopause and menopause. And these are the struggles that we’re going to face with as a woman. And it’s okay because we have to be able to to really understand what goes into a woman’s physiology and what she’s going through because it is part of life. If you are not evolving, I guess you’re dying. So it’s okay to just feel these things and acknowledge them and just be honest about it. Because I told my husband, I think I’m going through perimenopause right now because these are the symptoms because I had my period when I was 10.

Perimenopause

And so I think, I’m in that verge because I’m now experiencing so many symptoms as what I have described. I recently saw something a podcast that was done many years ago or a few months ago on YouTube about perimenopause. Because I want to prepare myself. That’s why you have to educate yourself as a woman. Knowledge is powerful and if you’re going through a lot of symptoms as a woman and going through perimenopause. You got to do your homework and you cannot just rely upon other people to do this for you because some people might be oblivious. They are not aware of what’s happening but at least you have done your job and you have done your due diligence of searching it for yourself. Because unfortunately, I have never heard my mom talk about perimenopause or being menopause or my aunt or any female role models in my life. They don’t talk about these things because as I said in the last generation I feel as though it is a secret for some reason they’re uncomfortable talking about it but now people are more aware and they want to be more educated. So as a woman in this generation, it’s okay to feel a certain way and embrace your transition. Embrace your evolution and we just have to really be graceful about thethings that we’re going through in this life. So that’s just a reminder, I don’t want to go on and on I don’t want to go on further, I think I’m going to leave up to 30 minutes because it’s going to be long. I try to just stay there.