Transcript:
hi everyone welcome back to this podcast soulish femme. My name is Glennavelle Manarang to those of you who are returning subscribers and listeners I would like to thank you personally for coming back Mondays and Thursdays and to my new listeners I would like to welcomeyou on this channel in today’s topic is advice. I wish I have learned before dating into the world. We all know that in today’s world dating, I heard is very hard especially when we don’t really find the right people the right men. There are toxic men in this world that I have encountered and there are also good men out there that I’ve also encountered and have seen in my own life in those times when we think toxic is someone that usually just going to show up with a red cape and a horn. No, they don’t picture as the devil.
Understanding Men
Most people when you come into in contact with them especially men is that they will have what you call a love bombing phase. Men are conditioned to pursue women.
They are hunters because that’s how they actually going to attract people, women especially.
So in the very first stage of dating, they will do every effort. If they find you attractive and they find you as if you are challenge, they’re going to hunt you and learn about you.
They are going to chase you. So after they have chased you and they put all of the effort and they will send flowers, call you, text you and give you lots and lots of attention and affection on the first stages.
Listen to me my dear daughters or sisters that are young, listen to me when I say that when a man is interested; because they are interested.
They’re going to do all of the hard work in the very beginning because as I said, the nature of a man is to hunt. Their nature is to chase. They love that kind of a challenge and after a few years of dating, they will give you lots and lots of attention, sending you flowers and chocolates, giving you all the attention that you need.
Perhaps, he is going to take you to a wonderful spot like skiing, going bowling, horseback riding, if he can afford it. Buy you nice clothes and going to take you to beautiful fancy restaurants and buy you something on your birthdays and is very attentive.
He will never forget your birthdays until he will going to gain your trust. One of the reasons, a toxic narcissistic people is going to want from you is trust. The moment they have your trust that is when they will break you down psychologically and emotionally and that’s when the abuse starts.
The moment you are so addicted to the love bombing phase, the attention and you are very insecure because they know who to target. Do you know how this men target you? When you are clueless. You are gullible.
They will target a woman that is still not a woman. She is still in her pubescence, not knowing what the world is made up and she doesn’t have a clue of who she is. So when a man targets you, it’s because he knows your vulnerability. He has studied you from afar and he can smell blood when he sees you and when he looks at you.
They know for sure that this woman or this little girl is so not learning yet about the world. She is very clueless. She is very naive. So that’s why, they always like to make sure that they will say the right words and after they have gained the trust then the ugly truth will come out.
So after the love bombing phase, they will go through this up and down like a roller coaster. Have you been to a roller coaster ride? Because I have, when I was in my teenage years and I don’t really like it. So he will take you to the up and down roller coaster that you thought to yourself, what is happening? You thought that you have found the one that rescued you because according to the princess Disney movie that you’ve watched, a prince charming comes in and he sweeps you off your feet and all of a sudden your life is wonderful but then you actually realize that this man loves you one minute and he retreats the next. He texts you one minute and he disappears for a reason.
You start questioning yourself, “Am I doing something wrong? Is it what I said? Is it what I did wrong? Did I provoke him?” And the start of playing the mind games with you. He starts telling you that I’m too busy. The excuses that they will have to make that they’re going to say “Well I have so much going on.” And you start to wonder, “What did I do wrong? Am I not enough for him?”
Then you start acting like the wife. You start giving more of yourself, maybe if I go to the gym three times a week or eat the right kind of food or fix my hair or change the color of my hair or act this way or maybe if I change my fashion for him. Maybe just maybe, he’s going to love me more and treat me more and he’s going to think that I am the latest and the greatest invention since Sputnik.
Apparently that is not always the case because as I said, the more you’re available to the man who is not committed and the one who plays game, the thing is he is never going to see you as the prize. Because at that time, he just want to worn you out like a piece of clothing and when you run out of that energy and you become so depressed and haggard and you are no more value in the market, “Who wants to marry you, honey?” So majority of men that are toxic narcissistic and sexist who does not want to value women, I’m not saying that all men are like this but this is exactly the phase that I’ve been through with a narcissist.
The thing about narcissists is that when they want to have you, they work so hard in the beginning.
They’re not going to show you their true colors until one day when you truly invested on them, your time, your energy and they see you as a very genuine person, then they will strip you out of something which is your own identity. Then they’re going to start playing this game.
Key notes
- As I said, one minute, it’s like a catch 22 or it’s a catch of a mouse and a cat, you know. You’re here, I’m a cat and I’m going to catch you and then you try so hard to understand and then
- Secondly he’s not going to be available anymore as he used to in the first and second years of marriage or in dating stage.
- Then the love bombing phase is over and the thing is he’s going to make you jealous intentionally when he’s going to say “Well I’m going to just have a date with this random women from my work is it okay?”
- He wants to test whether you are truly a person of trust and you have insecurity or you’re just going to make you feel insecure..
Mind Games
So he’s going to play this mind game and he’s going to make you feel jealous because he’s trying to see whether or not you’re very secure as a woman but when you think about it, why would you want to take other female coworker when you have a girlfriend?
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One Sided- Love.
And I’m pretty sure, you’re not gonna like it, if I do the same thing because with narcissistic, they only see it one-sided. It’s okay for them to do things towards you but the moment you flip the coin and you do the same thing towards them, they don’t like it.
Entitled Behavior.
The moment you question them about these things all of a sudden, they will reject the idea because for them they’re entitled. They are not allowed to be questioned of what they’re doing wrong but when it comes to you, they’re allowed to do nonsense or things that are egregious towards you. But it’s okay for them to do that because they’re entitled.
Egoistic Tendency.
Because people that are narcissistic, men that are egoistic, they will not see you worth it. They think that you are just a toy that they can play around with your emotions and the moment they trigger you.
And here’s the thing about narcissistic/toxic men:
You think that you trust the man and you tell them about your problems, you tell them about your past.
1. Gaslighting Technique
So one of the things I have learned about a narcissistic, you tell them about my past about, my childhood experiences, hoping that I could trust this person that he’s not going to use it against you. But the problem with narcissistic with narcs, most of them, they’re going to use that story against you and as what you call gaslighting. Instead of having the sympathy and saying to yourself I’m sorry that you have been through about this childhood experience that you had, they will use that to humiliate you and they will use that against you when you’re fighting.
That’s what you call immaturity because narcissist men are not mature in their head. Most of them are pathological liars. They are users. They’re manipulators and they’re controllers. They are going to not sympathize with you because they are lacking of emotional maturity. Also when you are going to piss them off and they cannot hold a conversation because they’re also full of insecurity.
2. Fragile Ego
When you’re dealing with a narcissist, you are actually dealing with a toddler. They have a fragile ego. They have no sense of identity. They don’t know who they are so when you question them about what they believe and you’re opposing their idea, perhaps you are going to have this uphill battle.
You’re going to have an exchange of words because he doesn’t understand why you say the those words. He cannot comprehend you because his idea is not comprehension. His idea is controlling. He wants to overpower you that is the name of the game.
3. Inability To Understand
Narcissists are not here to understand you. They’re here to over rule you and to make sure that they’re going to put you in place and they’re not going to able to listen to what you have to say because they lack of understanding. They don’t even understand themselves and so for you to make him understand you, it is impossible. So when you’re asking yourself the question why is it so hard to discuss and have a conversation with this man? It’s because he’s immature.
He’s a narcissist. He doesn’t want to understand you. Their job is not to understand you. Their job is to confuse you and their job is to make sure that you are not going to have your opinion or the autonomy to choose things for yourself.
They want to choose things for you and that’s how they control you. So the moment that they have gained your trust, they start playing this roller coaster ride, one up sometimes you’re down. Sometimes you’re making up and sometimes you’re good, sometimes you’re not. You’re just dealing with the Jacquelyn Hyde. I haven’t really seen the movie but that’s exactly what you feel like in that kind of relationship.
A toxic man that will make you so crazy. To think that you think you’re crazy but this is a analogy or an experience that I have with this person or with the people that are narcissists.
So they take the mask and will show you who they are, they will gaslight you about your stories. They will tell you about how awful you are, maybe you deserve it and maybe you brought this upon yourself and that’s exactly what they do. They label you and they will criticize you because they want to make you inhumane. They don’t want to treat you as a woman.
They don’t want to treat you as a human being who has a feeling so they want to treat you as an object because if you can treat people like an object by labeling them. Now for that instance, you’re no longer a human being. You’re now are like an object who has to be told as a label as if you are a Froot Loops or a Lucky Charm or a cereal box who has to be labeled.
So they also have this idea that when you actually no longer want to be controlled. They’re going to come into another phase which is going to make you believe that if you leave this relationship you are not going to find better than them. They will make you understand that if you leave this relationship. If you leave me, you are never going to find a man like me who will love you, who will spoil you. Remember the time of love bombing, who is going to be there for you, every thing that you need financially because that’s how they control you.
So if you are not going to wake up from that and if you believe those lies, this is why for so many women are stuck in this pattern of psychological abuse because we believe their lies. We thought that oh my goodness, maybe he’s telling the truth.
Here are three takeaways:
- Maybe he’s right that if I would leave this relationship. I am not going to find a better man and then you are just going to stay stuck in the same relationship and he’s going to continue the abuse until to a point where you are going to lose sight of who you are.
- Until you lose yourself and you start questioning, who I am now? Who am I now before him because after that, after he has broken you psychologically, emotionally and physically and spiritually,
- He will also isolate you. Isolation is very scary. That’s the time to really know that this man is not good for you and that you should run for the hills. When a man isolate you and he starts saying “You do not hang out with your friends. Your friends are no good, you’re being brainwashed. Maybe you should not attend your church because this church is not telling you the right things. You shouldn’t read the Bible. You should just hang out with my friends. You should just you know hang out with my family.
- It’s one-sided. It’s never about reciprocity. It’s never about mutual understanding. It’s never about give and take. It’s all about taking. When this man tells you that you should just hang out with my friends only and only deal with my own family and your family is not valuable or your friends you shouldn’t hang with them. That is a form of manipulation and control.
And that is the tactic to isolate you from the people that you have known all your life or maybe for many years.
When that happens, honey, after isolation and then you become so psychologically exhausted because you’ve always argued because deep down inside your heart, you always knew something isn’t adding up.
Something is not right. The things that you used to love, maybe yoga or do Pilates. Now all of a sudden, you’re not motivated anymore. You don’t want to do things anymore, you become lethargic and exhausted from arguing because when a person has always been in this turmoil of a roller coaster ride, one minute, you’re good the next minute. It creates a lot of psychological tension. It creates a lot of depression and it creates a lot of stress in a body of a woman or even a man. When you’re in this relationship that is inconsistent and he always going to play this mind games of back and forth.
Of course you’re going to be tired and exhausted and that’s the point. He wants to exhaust you to a point where you’re not going to show up for yourself and you’re going to give up on yourself altogether. So the moment, he isolates you is when you’re going to start feeling lost and you are confused of who you are and after that when God usually interceded, in my case. Thank God!
God was there because there was a time in my life when I was like I need clarity. This is not who I am. This is not the woman that I want to become. You know I always have crying days and I was very depressed. I could not even move. There was a time that I could not even work because I was just so sad and exhausted and when God showed me that you got to pick up your mat and walk and this man is not good for you. My family said it. My stepmother said it. My friend said it. My sister said it, like this man is going to be the death of you, Glenna, if you don’t leave now.
So these were the advices that the side of family told me, like this man is no good but even if they told me those stories or warning. I still was not ready because when a human is not fully ready to move up or get out of that toxic relationship, no matter how many people are going to convince you, otherwise; that he’s no good for you, you’re not going to listen.
Because you’re not ready psychologically, you’re not ready emotionally. You got to be able to understand why is this man doing this and when I understood he’s doing this because he wants to control me and when my boss told me this man is just playing mind tricks with you. It was an epiphany that I said, “He is not here for the long haul. He’s not going to commit to you that is not his object.” The object Glenna is to control you and to break you and to manipulate you and he doesn’t want to marry you.
Even though you’ve been dating with this man for six or seven years but his idea is not to just marry you. He wants to leave you after you have run ragged and become a housewife. Pretending to be a housewife because that’s how toxic men operate. They want to have this idea as a trophy wife. I’m going to hang on to you, you’re going to be cooking for me, cleaning for me, doing things for me until you’re going to be so exhausted of dealing with our fights back and forth and I’m going to exhaust you to a point where I am just going to leave you until you’re old. You’re just going to go out there and you’re not going to find anyone else. Because everybody’s probably all dead and what happens is you become an old maid. Because he just dump you and find another one.
Another thing with a narcissist is that they will have a replacement on an instant. They can replace you because at the back of their head, if this woman is not going to last, I have a backup plan already. Because narcissistic men like to find the next target. When they cannot control you anymore they will make sure to just hang on to you as long as they can until they can find the next victim or they can find the next substance or what’s the word another subject that they have to target and going to dump the same thing all over again the way that they did to you.
So this is why when you’re dealing with a narcissist is that you think that these people are the jackpot or you have hit the jackpot. You’ve won the lottery. He’s Mr. charming, good looks and smiling and then suddenly you wake up one day and you thought to yourself, “Am I in the right place?” Am I being tricked right now? Who is this man?” That you wake up one day and his true color showed up. The mask suddenly come off and you start wondering, did I miss something when we were dating? How come this man, fast forward he starts changing his true colors are now showing off who he truly is and you thought to yourself that you were just hallucinating.
On the first time when he started changing, his attitude, his skin shed like a snake. The snake coming out in the open. He’s now becoming so impulsive. He is now abusive. He is now cursing in your face and using the kind of words that are profane. When he never used to do those things in the first 3 years of your relationship. He was always communicative and making sure that everything is okay trying to reassure you. He doesn’t want to go to sleep well, angry.
All of a sudden, he doesn’t want to make an effort. You have two questions: either he is playing a mind game or he’s cheating on you? And so in this case, when you feel unsafe with a man, you shouldn’t be with that person anymore. When you feel as though your voice is not been heard and you don’t feel valued anymore. Then maybe that’s a time that you have to really think about your future, you can have boundaries and that’s why I said boundaries are important. Now of course, marriage is different. When you’re married to someone and he turns out to be a narcissist that is another story because now there is a court involved. There is now child support involved and alimony involved.
It becomes a lot complicated but when you’re still single, you still have time to get out of that kind of toxic relationship. You still have time to say “This man is not going to be my husband.” Because when you’re married that’s a different ballgame. When you’re married then you have to think what can I possibly do to really have this process of separation, maybe or divorce without going to be an ugly separation. Because sometimes when a narcissist is just waiting for you to do the first move.
A narcissist is very good at trying to hang on to you, as I said because they don’t want to let you go because as if just in case, they don’t find someone like you. So they want to hang on to you until they can find a replacement of you but at the same time, they don’t want to completely let you go. This is why it becomes so hard to deal with a narcissist because they are not honest. They like to play tricks because they are insecure and they are pathological liar. Narcs are good at lying.
They exaggerate things. They make it hyperbole even though you didn’t say it, they say you said it even though you did not say it. They’re going to say “This is what you made me do, you made me feel this way.” They don’t take accountability. Narcissistic people hate taking accountability. They will never apologize and if they do apologize, it’s never sincere. It’s never genuine. They just want to say it because they just want to trick you. They’re not saying it because they want to change their behavior because a real genuine apology, there’s a change in their behavior. They’re not going to do it again and they’re going to do their best and apologize sincerely saying “I should have never said those words.”
But narcissistic people are usually incapable of apologizing sincerely. They can’t because they are egoistic maniac so when you’re dealing with a narcissist, not only they’re lie to your face. They omit information. They use hyperbole. They exaggerate and they always do the what? The victim, when you call them out and you say “I don’t think that’s true and I don’t think you’re telling the truth.”They now become the victim. Every problem that they have about themselves because most of them have fragile ego. They have been wounded in their past.
They have trauma in their past, their parents like my ex before too, he was wounded from his past now too like I’m dealing with a person in my life was also have a problem from his past but instead of being honest with themselves, what do they do? Addiction – they run away from their pain because they don’t want to take accountability. They are very coward. They have no spine.
They have no backbone to instead of saying I have an issue. I need to deal with my problem. I have an ego problem then instead of dealing with their mother wounds and father wounds, they blame you and they will point a finger instead of taking accountability because instead of saying I need help or I need to really deal with my demons inside of me.
But the best thing that they do is point the finger and they will say to you that you’re the problem. You made me feel this way. The reason why I react this way is because of you which his nonsense because no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. No one can make you react that way without you reacting that way. It is always your response at the end of the day.
It’s always the choice that you make. It is your autonomy. You are not a freaking toddler who cannot make a choice, you’re a grown man so that you can create better judgments and so that no one can tell you what to do and not to do. But the problem with narcissists, as I said, they lie. They will not take accountability and they play the victimhood mindset. You know people think well, you have to be considerate of these people because they’re wounded. Yes, but the thing is how can you possibly understand people and help them when they’re not willing to help themselves. Because narcissists are in denial. You cannot help someone where they are in denial. They are not willing to be honest with themselves. So even if you tell them, you need help, you have to deal with your trauma. If they’re not willing. If they’re not there yet. No matter how many times you convince them, they are still not going to do it. So this is why it’s like an ongoing cycle with these people.
So that’s why boundaries are important. You have to go back to yourself by trying to understand the person before he came along. What were you doing before he came along? What were your likes and dislikes? What were your hobbies before this man showed up in your life the one that broke you. The one that changed your identity. What did you do? If you used to love to eat good food and all of a sudden being healthy and all of a sudden you’re eating junk food and he’s trying to change you. Then something is wrong.
This man is truly a narcissist who’s trying to change you for who you’re not or before you used to love to go to the gym and all of a sudden you were this woman and now you are gaining so much weight because he’s overeating and now you’re overeating too. So this is why you find yourself and you look at yourself in the mirror one day, you look at yourself and says I don’t know who I am anymore. The woman that is looking back at me is now unrecognizable. Because you have completely let go of who you are.
That’s why as I said on my previous podcast, do not lose yourself for any man. Do not lose yourself, your identity for any man whatsoever because what’s going to happen is that you are going to lose sight of who you are as a woman. Your life is going to crumble if he ever leaves you. You’re never going to be the same again and then you’re just going to quit on yourself and you’re just going to give up on your dreams and your goals.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t compromise or you shouldn’t understand your husband or your partner but at the same time when this is too extreme and the abuse is ongoing and there’s police involved and there is law involved and there is so many people involved, it is not a good sign. It’s time for you to really get out of that relationship because it’s not really healthy. When the the man is not really fully honest with you and he’s giving you this saying that I’m going to marry someday and he doesn’t marry you after six or five years.
Then you know, he’s just taking you for a ride and he’s going to make you run so tired that you’re not going to be valuable outside of this world and no one’s going to take you anymore because you’re too old now because you’re too tired, you’re too involved with him to a point where when you get out of that relationship well who’s going to marry you? Someone who’s probably. Maybe some people do still marry you when you’re older.
But you see my point is that these people who want to really just demolish every aspect of your identity. They want to break you and tear you apart to a point where you are no longer going to recognize yourself in the mirror and at that point you’re just going to say “I’m completely going to give up on love. I don’t believe in love anymore.” Because a person who just broke your heart over and over again and you just think that every man is like this.
So these are the things that I wish I have learned when I dated a person. Don’t be gullible when deep down in your pit that says something is off you should trust it because that’s how I felt when I first dated this man. Something tells me something is wrong with this man but he was very persistent because one of the ability of a narc, they’re very persistent. They no for an answer.
So when you are going to deal with this man, you’re still single and you see all these red flags, you see all this signs: controlling and manipulative. If he doesn’t give you the choice to speak for yourself and he starts telling you what to wear, the clothes that you should wear, how to do your hair, these are the signs of red flags and manipulative tactics.
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