Episode #36 – How To Become Better?

Transcript:

Welcome to Soulish Femme. Soulish Femme is a channel solely dedicated for you where I help focus in prospering body, spirit and soul. Life is a journey and I am glad that you can be a part of mine. As you explore my vlogs and my real talk episodes, I hope you will find inspirations and motivation you are looking for. Remember that life is not going to wait around for you. Therefore, live a life with intentionality and curate the life you’ve always dreamed of. As much as I love to share about my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, I also would like to showcase my passions in life such as food, travel, fashion, beauty, and many more. To truly be free from the shackles of the systems limitation, you must decide once and for all to live unapologetically and live a life that makes you feel alive and rejuvenated every single day. Perhaps, I am a hopelessly romantic person, but I truly believe we are meant to enjoy the wonders and the magnificent beauty the world has to offer. If you are ready to embark on your healing journey from traumatic experiences, feel free to check the link below to enroll in this course through Udemy. I will see you there. Thank you. [Music]

Hi everyone, welcome back on another podcast episode #36. My name is Glennavelle Manarang. To those of you who are tuning in for the first time, welcome to Soulish Femme, Real Talk. In today’s episode is of course the title of this probably is how do you know if you have become better and you have actually matured as an individual? As always, we would like to progress in body, spirit and soul on my channel. I do not like to sugarcoat things. I just want to share to you because being blunt and being straightforward sometimes is either good and bad. Some people like bluntness and some people do not. And this is actually is something that I have listened to this YouTuber. Her name is Yasmene Balderaldin. I think that’s her last name. If I butchered her last name, I apologize.

So, she made a video. For some reason, YouTube have somehow put this as a suggestion on my page. Perhaps, because it’s one of the things that I’m very interested in about growth, self-development. It is about you improving as an individual. As I always like to say, if you’re not growing and if you’re not evolving, you are practically dead. Dead things do not move. Dead things are stagnant. Dead things are complacent and they will not growing accordingly to plan. Look at the twigs outside. When you walk at the park one of these days, perhaps you will find out that there’s a lot of twigs laying around and they actually snapped. Actually, I was trying to take care of this rose and it did not grow as planned and it died on me. And I was trying to figure out whether it’s still alive and apparently, it’s already dead because of the branches have been falling off and their leaves are dried out. And that’s exactly when you know something is dead.

And she actually said something very profound that people usually think that maturity and becoming better is just external things. Aesthetically pleasing on the outside but internally fragile. Perhaps, I am actually rewording what she said and paraphrasing what actually she said. I’m going to try to link down her video because I think it is one of the most positive video that I’ve actually encountered in my life that she actually factored in the critical information that many of us forgotten the fact that just because you look like a mature man or woman on the outside, it doesn’t mean you’re mature in the head. As C.S. Lewis would like to point out that God wants us to have a childlike spirit, and a grown-up’s head, okay? He wants us to stay curious and be have this be able to be adaptable as a child and not holding grudges. But in the meantime, he also want us to grow up in maturity.

And you become mature when you integrate. You embody it. It is not something that you do externally. It is an embodiment of a person. When you become better, you embody you become it by knowing how to regulatory emotion. She also said about you have to do the deep inner work which I also like to talk on my channel every time the self- introspection and reflection. Because you cannot really do a deep inner work without knowing your triggers and without knowing your wounds that are still remnant or still dormant from your childhood experiences. This is why many people are always going to either provoke you or they try to manipulate you and control you because of that’s exactly how they were brought up. And at the same time, they also are unable to regulate their emotions. They’re easily triggered. They are volatile. They cannot control their emotions because of the traumatic experience.

Maybe they have mother wounds, negligence. They have rejection that they have felt as a child, abandonment issue, fatherlessness. And those are the things that sometimes when someone do not pay attention to us or they ignore us, we are triggered because we’re reminded of the past wounds. It’s something that invokes inside of us every time we come in contact with these people. And if you have grown up with this kind of family members who are physically there but mentally and emotionally absent and you married someone just like that or you are with someone just like that. They’re actually absent-minded. They’re not really attuned to themselves. You feel their energy that they are very brain scattered. They are not very present with you and you’re not fully connected with this individual.

And of course another thing is that she also talks about the manage and the not lived. So when you are not living the way that you should be living of becoming the person that you want to become, you are somehow have this aesthetically pleasing managing your time. You know, you have all your calendars, to-do lists: in the morning, you wake up at 6:00 a.m. and at 10:00 p.m. you go to sleep and maybe are posting what you eat on Instagram. It’s aesthetically pleasing in the eyes. It’s appealing for the whole world to see. It’s managed. You try to manage your life, but you’re not really living in it. I don’t know about you, but I’ve also felt like that that I’m not in my body. You are just simply existing. You are going through the motion but you are not fully living your life. You’re just existing. You are having this out of body experience that somehow for many people because they’re so afraid of keeping in touch with their emotions.

That’s why so many people run away from their emotions. They are not living fully. They are not embracing and fully sitting with a pain. They don’t want to sit with their emotional turmoil or they don’t want to deal with their demons because it is uncomfortable. It is not pleasant experience. It is sometimes scary to look at your demonic things that are lurking within your soul. When I say demonic, these are manifestations of the spirit that is inside of us. Could it be jealousy? Could it be anger issues, bitterness, resentment, pride, whatever kind of demonic entities that is residing inside your soul that is occupying your body? That’s what I’m talking about. Is that controlling you?

Because the opposite of that is true, which is the spirit of God. And the spirit of God is love. Of course, there is mercy, there is joy, and there is peace. And this is why when you are a person who wants to grow, you also need to learn to live life that is actually yours, not somebody else’s standard. And it took me a long time to realize that I’ve been living a standard based on our society, based on our upbringing, based on our culture. It is a set on stone. People will tell you this is how you should live. This is what kind of job you should get. But you’re actually living their standard. You’re not living according to your standard.

And to think about it, it’s actually your life. Why is it that we allow other people’s opinion and we allow their voices to dictate to us and tell us how we should live our lives and what kind of job that we should get into? When in fact, it is our life and it it is our own. It is not somebody else’s job to tell us the kind of career that we should pursue. Not it’s not even their business. Even if there are family members, if it is something that does not resonate within your soul, if it is not something that God have put you on this earth. Then you must not allow people to perhaps tell you how you should live your life. Because as I said at the end of the day, you don’t want to live in regret just because your family members are perhaps most of of them are in healthcare, you know, system careers and they’re nurses or whatever it is. I keep telling that on my channel. It doesn’t mean that you have to follow that route.

If it doesn’t make you feel good and if it doesn’t really resonate with your soul, you know what is really something that is God has called you to do. It is not somebody else’s business to tell you otherwise that you must follow. And this is exactly the right way because nobody should tell you that because it is your life. You need to take a risk because you don’t want to live in regret and telling yourself when you’re old enough saying I should have, could have, would have followed my own voice. But instead you followed different voices and you have tuned out your own identity. And she also talks about deceiving yourself, deception. We think about we have grown up just because we dress up the part or we look the part or we go to the gym and we have biceps and we drink the right kind of beverages or we do the right thing. But the moment we are triggered and the moment somebody tells us that we do not like we snap and that is when you find out that you still have a lot of inner issues within your soul.

Do you know how you know that a person is actually matured and have grown up and becoming better? Is because if you say something about some some topic, you are not easily triggered anymore and you’re open to discussion. But people that are not matured, they don’t have the capacity to have open discussions. They don’t know how to agree to disagree. They think that their opinion is the only thing that matters. They don’t listen to you. They’re incapable of understanding of what you’re saying to do. It just happened to me recently. There was an incident in my own life that it talks about one of the NBA players had a bipolar and so he was diagnosed with bipolar and I said between those lines saying that’s exactly the problem of some people in this country where we just label people because we think there are cereal boxes to be labeled but not as individual. And I was kind of not triggered but I was making a point that why is it that we have to be labeled as such as that so that people could just medicate us.

And of course when I was voicing the opinion the other person of course got kind of was triggered because I had an opinion and he did not like what I had to say in regards to maybe I have something against physicians or psychiatrists. I have nothing against those people. I only have something against the fact that they should do a different kind of route. Instead of labeling people, they should at least look at as a human being of why they act or think or behave that way is because of their trauma, because of the past experiences. And so, it’s because of that that it went into a different kind of altercation. And it was something that I realized that when people are not open-minded and they’re very close-minded and they’re not capable of having an open discussions. Even a simple idea that is contrary to what they believe, they will not like it and they are triggered just because you have opposed their opinion. And that is the gauge of maturity.

When a person is truly matured and developed, you are not going to be triggered just because some people have a different opinion about the topic. You are not going to get triggered. Because here’s the thing, as people would probably heard me say about this on my podcast, that no one is actually have the right to make you feel inferior without your consent. No one should make you feel triggered if you are not triggered. You are the person who has the autonomy. The automata to choose whether or not you’re going to be triggered by people’s opinion or not. People’s opinion is something you cannot control. People’s behavior and what they say are not something of your control. But if you’re constantly triggered and you’re constantly responding and you’re impatient based on your circumstances and the stimulus around you, you are exerting bad energy and you are just wasting your breath and your time and eventually you are going to develop hypertension. You’re going to develop lots of painful things in your body because that’s how your response thinks.

You are programming yourself to be easily triggered by all the little nuances of this life that actually you are the loser here, not the other way around. Because the gauge of maturity is being able to regulate your emotion and to have emotional intelligence is one of the keys to know whether or not you have grown up in the head. But if you have no emotional intelligence is learning to control your temper and learning to regulate. This is why there are so many tools you can do to regulate your emotions. Apparently we are not taught how to do it. But this is why I am so advocate of breathing and meditating, listening to soothing music and truly listening to your own thoughts. Sometimes I go to my closet, I lock myself there and I would just listen to my own thoughts and I would like to just listen to what she has to say.

Are there any things that she wants to discuss about? I talk to God about it. I journal. I also like to stretch. There’s dancing that you can do. There’s so many things that you can release all of this tension that you have been harboring deep inside your soul. Many of us carry so many traumas in our body that sometimes we feel in pain. Why do we have aches in our back? Why do we feel lethargic? It is because we have been carrying this loads of burden in our body and we actually are going to just burst out and we’re going to erupt. Another thing of course that I want to discuss, it’s not something that she spoke about is that when you want to know if you have been better is you take accountability. people that are mature that have developed growth is that they take accountability. They stop pointing the finger. They stop blaming other people’s of their behavior because if you do not take accountability, you are a victim. Which means to say you don’t have a choice. Which means to say you are held captive or held in hostage.

When in fact, if you are an adult man or woman and you have a choice to do whatever you want. You also have the choice to take accountability of your choices. Because people who do not want to take accountability because they want to get stuck. They don’t want to grow. They’re very good at just trying to just stay in the status quo saying, wherever I’m at, I am good. I don’t have to grow up. I don’t have to change my ways because I’m justifying my bad behavior. Another thing when you are trying to grow up is you do not justify your bad behavior. You correct it. You actually apologize sincerely by trying so hard to change the bad habits or maybe the things that you have probably caused the pain of other people. You you say, “I apologize. I’m sorry that I made you feel that way.” And then you actually are willing to change your ways by not hiding or covering up the things that you’re doing wrong. That is also another sign of maturity.

And of course is another thing is that you have to have integrity. And this is what Yesmen or Yasmin said that integrity is what you say, do and behave accordingly whether or not it is uncomfortable. Integrity is something that people can see you whether you behave the same way inside your private home when no one’s looking and outside. Of course, something people might change in their communication style depending on whom they talk to, but do you naturally gravitate peace? Are you pleasant to be around with with your family or not? Or other people? Do you treat them nicely just because they’re stranger and they don’t really know who you are? Do you treat them better or do you treat your family better? Integrity is not always flipping and flapping like a covert narcissist. They have a mask. They will put on a mask, something on the outside for the world to see.

A covert narcissist are very good at this. They will put this facade. They’re very outgoing, charming, very pleasant. And they have this idea and illusion in their head that they’re actually a wonderful people. And for the outlookers, which is the stranger, you would have thought that this person is amazing and he is really amicable and he’s very wonderful to be around with. But when he comes home, the mask was will go off and it will come off and then the whole person is going to show up. And this person is becoming really cruel. He’s actually abusive and he is not pleasant to be around with. And that is why when you don’t have integrity, you do not know who you are. You’re not authentic. You’re not genuine. Because you are changing your persona based on where you’re at, whether people are watching you and whether people are not watching you.

So this is why integrity is also part of growth and part of knowing that you really have been mature in the head. It is something that you live with and it it is your lifestyle. A lot of people also it’s sad to say that we see this in churches too that we think just because they’re preaching the gospel and they’re holding the Bible it doesn’t mean that they are living an authentic life. It doesn’t mean that they say what they mean or mean what they say. They just talk because talk is cheap. And so we see a lot of scandal news that is coming out now in the open where pastors and leaders are abusing other people in the church. And we thought that they should be someone to look up to because they have a standard.

And this is exactly what the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 4:14 that those who preach the gospel should live from the gospel. 

And that is what integrity is. If you preach the gospel and you preach something to live accordingly to the word of God. Then you must also live accordingly to the word of God. You must be able to hold that standard for yourself. Not just preach to the world and says, you know, you can’t do this and here you are doing the opposite of what you’re telling to the world. Because that’s exactly what dishonest people do. You’re deceiving your crowd. You’re deceiving the very essence that God had entrusted you with, which is preaching his word. And here you are completely obliterating what God has entrusted you, which is when you are going to say love God, but yet you are doing something that is awful behind closed doors when no one is looking. You are violating the very core of the commandments of God.

And that is why it is a part of growing. It is part of maturity level which many people are very uncomfortable or reluctant to talk about because who wants to grow up anyway, right? It’s very uncomfortable because when you want to grow up, you really have to go through this hardship and you’re going to wrestle with yourself. There’s always going to be this one minute as if you have already figured out and the next minute you’re actually falling behind because guess what? We are just little children before and then suddenly we have to grow up very fast and most of us were not even had the idea of how to be a grown-up because the people around us were not even adults in the head. We don’t have the kind of role models to look up to. We didn’t have the kind of a healthy mom or dad. And this is why we copy their behavior. Unless of course you and I are willing to change their courses.

If you don’t like how they deal with the situation of how they raise you, then it is actually your choice to do and change the course of your lineage and be the person who will break the generation generational curses and maturity level. Also, it talks about the idea that you have to have the shifting and being able to be a fluid, being able to be adaptable because I think growth is also something that is not rigid. It is something that for some reason people think there’s only a one size fits all. This is exactly how I should live my life and this is what um people should. It’s like black and white. I think life is not black and white. I’m not sure if people might agree with me. Perhaps in some cases there are certain things that are black and white. A sin is a sin. A lie is a lie. God’s word is God’s word and the truth is a truth. That is probably some things there are exception to the rules.

However, there are also things in life that are not just black and white. There are just something that is very hard. For instance, people would say if you are in love with someone and you married someone perhaps and it turns out that they’re not the best person for you, majority of the world will tell you to just, you know, give it up, leave the person and file for a divorce and separate. I know this is kind of hard especially when you’re trying to mature as an individual because our society is not conditioned to hardship. We don’t like suffering and that is why we look at the cabinet medication of if we have a headache for some odd reason we just want to pop a pill and swallow it because we don’t want this pain. We are not conditioned to have pain in our country. We just like conveniences and we like the fast idea of I want to feel better right now because we don’t like to be uncomfortable with pain. But marriage and relationships is about growth together. It is about devotion and commitment. It is about dedication.

That’s why the Bible is clear that to love is to sacrifice. It is the will of your emotion. It is not an emotion. It is the act of the will. Because that’s part of growing is staying in it even though it is hard. Many people would say just pack your bag and leave and the other side will be a lot greener. But the Bible talks so much about growing where you’re at. It’s about being planted and rooted and really just don’t get out of that because have you seen a tree moving from one location to another? If a tree can move from one location to another, what’s going to happen to the tree? It’s not going to have roots. The roots are not going to be so grounded and rooted that it’s going to collapse eventually. In the same way with relationships and with hardships. No, I’m not condoning of course this domestic violence that is very physical. I’m not saying that you should stay in that kind of relationship when people are hurting you physically and they are actually doing beyond imagination. That is not what I’m saying.

But disagreement and misunderstanding and conflict is part of relationship. And for some odd reason, we have this propaganda in our culture to cancel people. Although counseling people might not be biblical, healthy boundaries perhaps is good. You just have to have the wisdom and discernment and ask God to give you guidance whether or not you should cancel some people out or you should just love them from afar or you should just have a little bit of communication with them but have clear boundaries and healthy boundaries. It is up to you. It’s between you and God when it comes to other relationship because there are people in my life that I have completely are not communicating with them anymore because of what they have done because they’re not repentant of their sin. Cuz how can you possibly let people into your life again when they are not willing to change or have repented and you’re going to put yourself again in the same risk before of you know being with this individual and they’re going to end up abusing you.

So this is why as I always like to say that when it comes to relationship with people who have betrayed you in the past and they have not changed, they have not repented of their sins, you cannot trust them because the trust has been broken. But other than that, when it comes to other relationship that you’re willing to compromise and you’re willing to just work things out, it is something that suffering and sacrifice is part of growth. If you think that sacrifice and suffering is not part of growth because what do kids like to do? They just like to complain. Uh they like to just say that this is so hard mom it’s boring. But when you want to grow up and to be mature as an individual, you must learn how to have tolerance for pain. Pain is necessary for growth. And nobody likes to suffer. Nobody likes to endure pain.

But this is what God would say that in order for you to really grow up in the head is you need to have pain endurance. You need to endure the pain. You have to be able to endure conflict and affliction because that’s what Jesus said in this world. You will have tribulation. You will have trials. You will have challenges. Life is hard. As much as I love life, as much as life has so much to offer, but at the same time, we cannot be blinded by the chaot chaos that surrounds us. The world is full of chaotic, a lot of disasters. We are surrounded with uncertainty all the time, economy. We are not really sure what tomorrow may bring. We don’t know what the world is going to come down to. We’re always, you learn that there’s always, we live through wars for many, many, many centuries. And this is why we have to be reminded that you want to be a grown-up person. You’ve got to endure suffering. You have to learn to just stay in it and be still.

And to be able to understand that God said to trust him with all his heart and lean not in your own understanding and acknowledge him with all his ways. Because sometimes through suffering that’s when we can persevere and perseverance build character and character it’s actually gives us hope in the future and that is part of growth is that you’ll be able to endure things and not run away from pain otherwise you’re never going to grow up because pain is something that’s going to teach you to become resilient and stronger and better version than you were before. I would like to add that and that is my last point.