Episode #45 – Work Harder On Yourself Than You Do On Other People

Transcript:

Welcome to Soulish Femme. Soulish Femme is a channel solely dedicated for you where I help focus in prospering body, spirit and soul. Life is a journey and I am glad that you can be a part of mine. As you explore my vlogs and my real talk episodes, I hope you will find inspirations and motivation you are looking for. Remember that life is not going to wait around for you. Therefore, live a life with intentionality and curate the life you’ve always dreamed of. As much as I love to share about my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, I also would like to showcase my passions in life such as food, travel, fashion, beauty, and many more. To truly be free from the shackles of the systems limitation, you must decide once and for all to live unapologetically and live a life that makes you feel alive and rejuvenated every single day. Perhaps, I am a hopelessly romantic person, but I truly believe we are meant to enjoy the wonders and the magnificent beauty the world has to offer. If you are ready to embark on your healing journey from traumatic experiences, feel free to check the link below to enroll in this course through Udemy. I will see you there. Thank you. [Music]

Hi everyone, welcome back to another podcast. Welcome to Soulish Femme. My name is Glennavelle Manarang. To those of you who are here for the first time, welcome. I apologize for my stuffy nose in advance. With no further ado, in today’s topic or title of this talk is about work harder on yourself than you do on other people. Growth to maturity. When we want to work on ourselves, it takes self-awareness. I might be repeating myself time and time again. If you are here following me, I keep talking with the same idea. It’s because sometimes people needs to be reminded all the time. Repetition is the key for us to learn. Sometimes we don’t get it the first time or the second time, but maybe the fifth time you’re going to get it and it’s going to click somehow. It’s going to have this resonance in your body or in your mind. Let me ask you a question. Are you awake or are you asleep? Do you follow blindly or do you blame other people for the mishap of your life?

When you are actually not aware of yourself, it’s most likely you’re still in your own victimhood mindset. You are going to blame other people for the choices or maybe the wrong things that are going on in your life because you are still not willing to grow up. Growth is hard. Change is hard. When we want to grow up to become an immature man or a woman, it takes deliberate choices and learning patterns and it’s about number two is taking accountability. If you want to work on yourself, accountability is part of the factor that you have to probably figure out how am I supposed to grow up if I don’t take accountability. Without accountability, you will forever going to remain a victim. The sad part of being aware and being awake like the rest of the people in your life is that they will blame you for the wrong choices or their bad behavior. Have you not encountered yourself?

Maybe you are the scapegoat in the family. You probably are the one who can see the BS and the facade and the lies that has been going on for many years. And because you’re a truth seeker, you’re a truth teller, you put people in their place lovingly for some odd reason. When you are the one who say you need to stop doing this because I’m not going to enable you for your bad behavior. I am not going to tolerate your disrespect. And there is a time to put boundaries is the second part that I would like to make. When you want to work on yourself, it doesn’t mean that you’re not going to implement boundaries. When you are truly awake and you’re self-aware and you have done the inner work, you will now realize that not a lot of people know what boundaries are. Some people think just because you’re too nice and that you’re agreeable, it doesn’t mean that you cannot disagree about their opinions, it doesn’t mean that you’re not going to have a conversation, a dialogue.

The part the problem with majority of people is that when the moment you disagree with them or you oppose to their fatal ideology, you are going to be villainized as the weird one. you’re the one who’s going to be labeled as the oddball because why can’t you just play along with everybody else? Why can’t you just dance to the same rhythm like everybody else? But because the difference between you have done the work and was fully awake, you can sense it when you have actually realized that not a lot of people have good intentions at heart. They may laugh or smile in your face. But you can sense the hidden motive, the hidden agenda. You can feel it in their presence, their energy because you have done the inner work. And you are not going to be fooled by the fake smiles and the fake friendships or fake relationships. Albite, maybe your family might say just follow along blindly.

The problem with this kind of mindset is that majority of people are never going to grow up because they have been enabled. Nobody told them the truth that your bad behavior is affecting the rest of us and what you’re doing is actually inappropriate. It is disrespectful. And if somehow you’re the one who has the confidence or the honesty or the gut to tell them that this is not going to be able to move with me. I’m not going to dance with your rhythm. This is why there’s a resistance. And if you have worked on yourself for a long time and if you encounter people like this who are still stagnant, they don’t want to grow up. Don’t be surprised that you’re going to be the one who feels awkward. You’re going to feel as though where do I fit in with this family? Because you can smell from afar that these people rather want to stay where they’re at. They want to stay stagnant. They want to stay complacent.

They don’t want to take accountability. They don’t want to take the high road because it’s a lot easier for people to just stay put and stay at is instead of leveling up instead of working on themselves is instead of making the best version of themselves. This is why when we read in one Thessalonians 4:7, for God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness. Therefore, he who reject this does not reject man but God who has given us his holy spirit. So if you are a person who is transformed by the spirit of God, we are called to holiness. What is holiness? You are being set apart. You are not supposed to be like the world, act like the world, participate in an ungodliness, filthiness of the world. You are not supposed to congratulate or celebrate wickedness. You’re not going to just sit there and be silenced and tolerate the things that are wicked. Jesus even said that in his word, you have to rebuke. We have to convict. We have to chastise.

We have to call people out lovingly to speak the truth in love so that they’re going to know whether or not they are doing damage in your own life or they’re actually doing damage in their own life. If you’re not going to tell people that your behavior or the choices that you’re making are affecting me and the way you treat me is actually uncalled for, they’re never going to grow up. And this is why majority of people who are now adult in the body, many are still childish in their head. And if you I’m sorry. And if you somehow point out the very thing that they’re doing wrong, they’re going to attack you. They’re not going to say thank you. Because as I said, a fool hates correction. Proverbs somewhere, it says that when you correct a fool, they don’t like it. And because why is it that many foolish people hate to be corrected? Because they don’t want to be perceived as not perfect. They don’t want to be perceived as the bad person. Because in their head when you correct them and you tell them that you need to work on this one is going to define as an attack on their character.

But you as a person, you are not going to judge people if you haven’t really done the work. I am not saying that you should judge people. What the Bible it says do not judge your brother. You have to take out the speck out of your eyes before you judge people. You can put boundaries and know your standard and learn to understand that don’t be naive and taking all the blame. When you actually want to point out the wrong in people, it’s not because you want to judge them. It’s not because you want to make them ashamed of themselves. It’s because you want them to be like you who have done the work. This is why I’m not saying that you should control people. It’s kind of juxtaposition. Yes, it’s good that you work on yourself. However, you also know your standards and you have to place a healthy boundaries that when it’s crosses when people cross your boundaries and they will try to cross your boundaries and they will provoke you and they will poke you and they will test you time and time again to see or not whether you have grown up or not. Apparently, we live in the world where so many toxic narcissists with flying monkeys who’s going to enable the narcissist to keep doing the same thing over and over again. Do you know who they pick?

The scapegoat that they perceive as the weak one. Isn’t it funny how they go against by numbers and you’re the only one because you’re that powerful? If you’re not that powerful, they are not going to come attack you by groups. But because they have not done the work, it’s a lot easier to come attack you because you’re just on your own. So they are threatened by your growth. When you are changing for the better, people will resist that. People cannot stand when you’re growing. They rather want you to stay put and be just like the person that they can control, manipulate, gaslight, and exactly what narcissistic are catering for. And so when you are working on yourself, there’s going to be people in your family. You’re going to lose some people in your life. They’re going to distance themselves because they think to themselves, who is this new version of you? We rather want you to just be the one that we used to before when you were just naive, gullible, follow blindly, and just make peace when you know that there’s not a time to be peace when there is injustice or lies that’s been happening in the family.

But because you’re able to detect that and you’re the one who has working in yourself without their permission and that’s why because they want control. When you are the ones working on yourself, you know exactly that you no longer fit into the same mold where you were grow up before. This is why when you read the Bible, especially the Old Testament, God would always take you out from the mold from your family. There are so many stories in the Bible that when God wants you to grow up and to be unlike your family mold, he’s going to set you apart. Holiness is setting you apart. God is going to change your character. He’s going to change your identity from where you grow up. Unfortunately, and it’s a sad truth that many of us grow up in a toxic dynamics of a family. Many of us grow up in a dysfunctional family. And maybe you’re the one that God said you’re the one who’s going to do the hard work. I’m going to give you this assignment that you need to work on yourself so that people in your family can see the difference and they will be inspired and they’re going to follow that it’s it is not okay to just stay where you’re at.

If you’re constantly going to baby or enable your bad behavior or toxic pattern, you’re never going to grow up because as I said, change is hard. It takes an arduous work. It takes a lot of unlearning patterns, breaking apart your old patterns and knowing the kinds of behavior that you’re not going to tolerate. And another point I would like to make is that you need you need to have quality versus quantity from what you own, from who you surround yourself with. Less is more. Audit your life from your wardrobe to people. I used to think when I was younger that the more people I have, the more friends I have, the more valuable I am and maybe I am the it girl because everybody flung to me or they want to be around me. But in reality, majority of those people are not really for you. As I said, quality over quantity. Do not be surprised that many people are actually are despicable. They cannot stand your success. They wish for your downfall.

Even if they seem as though very pleasant on the outside and smiling in your face, but deep down inside their soul, they’re seething with jealousy and envy. And you have to look out and watch out for those so-called friends of yours and so-called family members. And you know them. You know them by their fruit. As what Jesus would say. You can feel their essence. You can feel their energy. Energy does not lie. And you know exactly who loves you very well to the fullest and who doesn’t really can’t stand you. And quality. It’s because I rather want to be by myself instead of surrounded with a bunch of hypocrites. I rather want to be alone or maybe one or two close friendships instead of having someone in your life that is many of them or actually want to see you unsuccessful. You rather want to be able to spend time, get to know yourself, and hone your craft, and maybe learn something.

Because what’s the point of having so many so-called friendships or so-called family members who pretend that they love you, but when it comes to shove, they will show you their true colors. Do you know when do you know how you can tell when people are for you? How can you tell when people really love you when you are in the hardship? Who showed up when you were depressed? Who showed up and gave you a phone call when just saying hi and hello, how are you doing? Is everything okay? With no apparent reason or not just call you when it’s convenient for them or not make excuses saying well I’m too busy at work. Those are true people that you should probably genuinely invest your time because I told you many people are not going to show up especially when your life is hard. They have no idea the kind of suffering you have suffered.

That’s why I said work on yourself because no one is going to knock at your door and going to motivate you and not going to say get up and I want to fix you some breakfast or I’m here for you with a lending hand. Majority of us don’t have anybody like that. If you have one of those people, you are so blessed and you should be able to treasure those people because they’re very unlikely that you’re going to have those family members who are just going to call you when they don’t need anything. Unfortunately, many of us don’t have those kind of people. They only call you when it’s your birthday and then they disappear. They only call you when it’s convenient for them and they make excuses for too busy. But you on the other hand who’s reaching out and who’s always checking on everybody else. But for the rest of them, they could care less whether they talk to you for many years.

And this is what you call one-sided love. But it’s okay because you’re so comfortable of being alone now that it doesn’t matter if the people in your life do not call or they don’t check up on you. That it’s okay because you know why? You are so accustomed to your own company and now you have realized that you know what I have been waiting for someone to fix me up and nobody really came. As I said, I’ve waited for my rich uncle to knock at my door when I was in college to pay off my debts and nobody came. I waited and waited until God said, “You’re going to waiting for nobody because what’s the point of not doing the work?” Faith without action is dead and each one of us is going to reap what we sow. It is the law of nature. You have to sew some seeds in order for you to reap some harvest. You cannot have an harvest dependent upon what people are doing in their lives.

You cannot participate in people’s harvest when you are not participating in your own life. When you failed to even look at your own self and here you are trying to navigate other people. That’s why the Bible is clear. Mind your own business. We have been advised by Paul to work with your own hands, minding your business, looking within yourself about the affairs of your life instead of looking around, getting caught up in the world’s agenda and the noise of the world, especially today in our generation. We are going to get sucked up. This is by design. I am not going to get here politically correct because this podcast is not about politics. I want to be able to implement or share my words of encouragement to put people together and to unify people based on love and hope.

And so, but that is how the world works. If you’re not working on yourself, you’re going to be caught up and you’re going to drowned in the noise of the world. That’s by design. It is not by coincidence. It is not by mere coincidence that this thing that is happening around our country right now. It is by design. And so if you’re not careful, you’re going to most likely choose some sides and you’re going to be so iate and you’re going to even try so hard to control the things that you can control. You cannot control the world. The world has always been this way. Nothing is new under the sun. The world has been chaotic. The world will do whatever it wants to do. People are going to do some foolish things. They’re going to do some things that are not right in the eyes of God. That’s why God said God cannot stand the wicked every day. He hates it.

However, as a follower of Christ, as the vessel of God, we must not be blinded by the conniving and the deceitfulness of the devil. The devil wants us to actually be consumed and be worried and afraid of what’s happening in the world, what’s happening in our country right now, what’s going to happen in our nation. That is the tactic of the devil to focus on the things that you cannot control. You cannot control the outside variables. The only variable you can control is yourself. That’s it. Because if you’re just going to try to navigate and try to wish that this thing should not happen or maybe it could have done differently. Well, that’s something it’s out of your control. So working on yourself is far better than working on the outside variable. It has more impact because people can attest that you have changed. That when they see you the next time, they can feel your difference.

They can feel your essence and they’re not going to just see you as the same person as 5 years ago. The only competition you have is with yourself 10 years ago. You cannot compete with other people because it’s a waste of your time. It’s a waste of your energy. The only competition you have is with yourself. Looking back five years ago, have I changed? Do I have do I still react the same way? Do I do I still have the same triggers? Am I really growing? Am I really maturing in how I handle and how I communicate to people? Am I a better person when I was in high school compared to where I’m at today? That is the only thing you can look at because no matter what you say as much as you want a better relationship, if you don’t have a good relationship with yourself, then forget about it. Vertically align with God and horizontally align with other people.

But it comes with loving yourself first. Love yourself as you love other people. You cannot pour from an empty vessel. You cannot pour from an empty cup. You must be able to invest in yourself. It’s not selfish to look within yourself. You really think that I grow up and one day I just wake up one day and everything is fine with me. There was a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of crying, a lot of screaming, a lot of praying to God, a lot of trying so hard to navigate my emotions. As I said, healing is never a straight path. It’s not like tomorrow everything is going to be okay. There are days that are going to be bad and there are days are going to be good. You’re going to feel as though you are moving forward three steps ahead and sometimes you’re feeling like you’re moving backwards, five steps behind.

And that is what life is all about. It’s never about arriving. It’s about the journey that you have to understand that even if you are not perfect yet because we’re never going to reach perfection in this life, we’re going to progress. And the more and more you give grace and you don’t give up on yourself. Wherever you have failed today, you pick it up again and you’re going to pick up where you left off. You just don’t quit and give up and says, “This is too hard.” This is why many people have never grow up because they see themselves and they say, “Well, I haven’t seen any growth. I haven’t seen any changes in my life.” And then they just throw the towel and they give up and they walk away. But you have to stay in it. That’s when when you really stay you be you need to be able to be steadfast to be immovable. You need to be able to endure hardships. You just don’t quit and give up just because you haven’t seen a result.

When you do an exercise for 3 days, do you really think you’re going to grow a muscle after 3 days of working out? It takes consistency. You have to be persistent. You have to be able to stay in your lane no matter how hard it is because that’s what growth is. work on yourself is a lot greater. It’s more impactful. It’s more valuable than working on other people because you cannot work on other people. They have their own thoughts. They have their own mind. Of course, you wish that people is going to grow with you and they’re going to assail with you and they’re going to travel with you. It’s a lot easier that way, but that’s just not reality. Many people are not ready. Some people are still stagnant because they’re unable to move forward because they’re not willing to do the work. So, what are you going to do about it? You must be able to just learn to take a deep breath. Accept them for who they are, but do not tolerate nonsense.

Accept them for where they at, but do not enable their bad behavior. If there’s something that you think that they’re doing wrong, you have to address it nicely as much as you can because think of yourself as an elementary. Some are in the elementary. They are still in the level of first grade, second grade, third grade. Maybe you’re in the high school level and you are progressing in life. And some of your people or your family members are still maybe in the second grade and you’re already in the, you know, senior level. So there’s a big difference between your mentality. It doesn’t matter if you’re going to berate people and nag them and constantly tell them that you need to change. You must do the change. If they’re not willing to do so, you are just going to waste your breath. You’re going to waste your time. You’re going to be frustrated. And that is not where you want to be.

And that is why that is so on point that I would like for you to understand is that also the study your patterns and make some adjust adjustments. So work harder on yourself also takes about you study your pattern. I like to be my own student. I like to jot down the things that my pattern. So before I was very impatient with the little things. Where did it come from? Why am I so impatient? Is it because I was brought up that way? I was not given grace. I was not showing understanding. Every pattern has a source. Every negative, destructive, dysfunctional pattern. There’s always an origin. There’s always a source. So when I was trying to question myself or investigate where did this come from my impatience when I am sometimes angry at my son because of fear when I want my son to do things and he doesn’t listen it’s because I’m afraid that he’s going to do the wrong things when he doesn’t answer his phone call I get frustrated sometimes.

Because you know our negative brain starts thinking the worst thing that’s going to happen. Sometimes we want our son to follow us because we want the best for us. So we’re easily triggered but there’s always a pattern and we understand where did this pattern come from. It’s because most likely it’s how you were brought up. It’s how your parents talked to you. It’s probably you have copied it from the behavior of your mom or maybe your dad or maybe the people that you have surrounded with. So patterns can be broken. Patterns can be shifted. They can be redirected either for something good or bad. So if you understand your own pattern, that’s when you’re going to start having a lot of resistance and you’re going to have vacasillating between sometimes you’re going to have it right and sometimes you’re not going to have it right.

Sometimes you’re going to excel and sometimes you’re not going to excel. And working on yourself also leads to self-discovery and self-mastery to know thyself. I think that’s I’m not sure who said it first. Was it Confucius or Aristotle? to know thy oneself is truly is the greatest investment you can give for yourself. It’s the greatest gift you can bestow upon yourself. Self-mastery, it’s when you master yourself fully. You know your ins and outs. You know who you are, your weaknesses, your strengths, your capabilities. And finally, my last point, when you also work harder on yourself, the return is far greater. Have you seen athletes who work harder on their skill, on their talent? Some people are born with talents, but for some people who are not born with talent, but because they were able to practice and show up for themselves and they hone in their skill, and that’s why they are being rewarded right now.

So life is going to reward you when you invest in yourself and you master your craft unapologetically and you’re not going to just diminish your light just because people are uncomfortable and they are not happy that you’re growing. Let them be. Let them talk. Let them say whatever they want because as I always like to say you are not everybody’s cup of tea. Some people are going to congratulate you. Some people are going to applaud you saying wonderful you are growing. I’m so proud of you. And some people they wish that you’re just going to stay where you were you were where you were at because you know why you’re familiar and familiarity is what they want. They want you to stay stagnant because they are threatened by your growth and you don’t want to be able to really go to that kind of route.

That’s why Corinthians says when I was a child I spoke like a child. I talked like a child. I thought like a child but when I become an adult I put away childish things. And that is why you must grow every day on a daily basis. Work harder on yourself more than working harder on the people around you. And that is part of maturity. It’s part of change. Like the butterfly metamorphosis. You’re no longer a caterpillar. You are now transformed into this beautiful butterfly that you can now fly and spread your wings. And that’s exactly what we want to achieve. You don’t want to be able to be a caterpillar and crawling for the rest of your life because it is a waste of your time.