Transcript:
Hi everyone, welcome back to another podcast and today’s topic with no further ado, understanding the death about love. Love is not an emotion according to C.S. Lewis. It is the act of the will but this is actually what I would like to discuss coming from 1 Corinthians 13. Many people have a misconception that loving is sometimes doing when in fact it’s about being. It’s becoming the person what God wants us to become. So, let’s read this if you are willing enough to grab your Bible and read along with me in 1 Corinthians 13 that says, “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging symbol.”
Acts of Love
Even though, let me just stop there. We speak with eloquence and we speak with big words but if there’s no substance, when there’s no meaning and when there’s no truth that is not coming from love and then it it goes on to say and though I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge and though I have all faith so that I could remove mountains but have not love I am nothing. Even if you are the most faithful person in the world and you are the most intelligent in the room, you have all the accolades and you went to to school and get your degrees and you have all the knowledge in the world. But you don’t have love. It says to that it means nothing. Have you not encountered people who are intellectually dumb, who pretends like they are the smartest and that yet they have no substance, they have no love.
Many people misconstrued that just because you have all the diplomas, it doesn’t mean you’re wise. There’s a difference between godly wisdom and the worldly wisdom. You cannot think for a second that just because you have all of these papers hang on your wall or degrees, it doesn’t mean that you are wise. The wise people of this world according to the Bible is foolishness in the eyes of God. If you don’t come to the truth, you’re just nothing but an ignorant individual. And ignorance is not a bliss. And so we grow up thinking that surely if my mom or dad gives me good gifts and according to what the Bible says even the wicked men they love to give good gifts to their children. And it says in the Bible that even though you give your body to be burnt as a sacrifice but have no love it profits me nothing.
So, we need to really understand what love is because we do not know how to truly grasp the idea that loving is not just about doing without love. We have so many mother wounds issue and father wound issue as well. Let’s talk about mother issue. The greatest love that we are craving for of course is from our mother because she is the nurturer that she’s the caretaker and she actually bore us for 9 months in her belly. However, when there is no presence of a mother’s love; that’s why children have abandonment issue. That’s why children are broken because they thought that just because a mother can give you toys and buy you nice clothes but she was absent physically and sometimes maybe she’s physically there but absent- minded. She is not emotionally involved in your life and I’ve seen it play in my own life.
I have seen it the people even I have learned in my own life that based on the story of other people that their mother was so good at giving good gifts but it doesn’t mean that they love you and many people think that well it’s enough that my mother or my dad gives me a lot of nice things and yet were they were where where were they when you needed someone to talk to emotional support. Children will not remember how much clothes you buy them. Children are not going to recall the moment of how many toys you can give them on their special birthdays or or Christmas. Do you know what children are going to remember you by? Your presents. Have you invested time with your children? Have you truly understand how they’re feeling and ask them the question if are you feeling okay? Is is everything good at school?
Breaking Generational Patterns
Unfortunately, majority of us like myself, we never have those kind of inter interactions with our parents, especially with our mothers when our mother is also broken. And if you are honest with yourself, majority of us who have a broken home because your mother have to be a father at the same time and she is most likely absent and that’s why we feel abandoned. And this is why I always like to say you have to truly understand that when you have a mother wound, it’s going to inflict on you. It’s going to show up. But you have to learn and you have to break that generational curse. You have to unlearn the pattern. If you think and you have observed in your own life that your mother was never there because she had to work to provide for her kids and you have to step in as a parent and you have to reparent yourself. You have to give grace a little bit of understanding now because now you understand why your mother act the way that she did because she didn’t have a choice.
Just see what the Bible is clear when the Bible defines about love. It says, “Love suffers long. It’s patient, long-suffering. Love is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not parade itself.” And how many people right now are parading itself, the selfie, me, myself, and I, we love to get likes and approval from people. It is not puffed up. How many people have you seen boasting about their accomplishments? It is all about me. Look at me and this generation of selfies. It does not behave rudely and does not seek its own. And behave rudely is actually coincide with etiquette, being courteous, being polite. When a person who has an etiquette, you have consideration of other people. You know how to act socially and you know exactly the kinds of thing that you should not do and do the things that you should avoid doing especially when you’re in the public and even inside the house.
What are the acceptable behavior and do not expect respect from people who are disrespectful. I mean respect has to be mutual. You are not a doormat. You’re not someone to be trampled on. The Bible does not enable abuse. The Bible does not enable disrespect. Actually, the Bible said that you have to resist wicked people. You have to call them out. Jesus was a good teacher. Jesus was the son of God. Jesus is what you call Messiah, the light of the world. But he did not tolerate evil. He called evil evil. He called liar liar. He called despicable despicable. In the same way with us, if you truly love someone, even if you ruffle people’s feather and if you’re going to insult them, you have to put them in their place because without correcting them, you’re only enabling and tolerating their bad behavior.
And that’s why they are never going to grow up. So being rude is not loving. Being boastful and prideful and easily provoked. And so when you have a mother wound because your mother was very stressed and she was very worried about how am I going to feed my kids and she’s easily triggered and so many of us who have been brought up in this kind of family that are mothers are easily triggered. She probably was heightened in her emotion because she lacked sleep. She was worried constantly. She was always overly functioning, overly available, masculine energy. And that’s why we always think that my mother was someone that I should not interact with. We have this idea in our head as a child that she is not pleasant to be around with.
Because when your mother is wounded because she doesn’t know how to work in her feminine because she is in survival mode of protecting her kids, providing her her kids. But as a child, you don’t understand that as a child you thought that her behavior was actually acceptable. So when you now an adult and you look back in retrospect of what your mother did, now you have a little bit of understanding and hopefully by your understanding and your lens is that you have sympathy with her now and you pray to release you out of that kind of idea that that behavior is actually normal. When in fact, it is not normal. Unfortunately, there are many men out there who only want children, but they don’t want the responsibility. And that’s why many women are left behind taking care of kids.
And that’s why we are left up with dysfunctional family, broken homes, a fatherlessness, mother wounds issue, and a father wound issue. They’re also mother and father who are also in the family. They’re together, but the father is passive aggressive. and the mother becomes the man in the family. That’s also a toxic dynamic because now even if you did not come from a broken home like me, my dad was absent when I was four. He was never there because he left us and my mom was always present. So each one of us have different kinds of dysfunction and mother wounds issue. I’ve also encountered people and I’ve I’ve seen it in other people’s lives. Their mother and father was was there but their father was absent. He was passive aggressive and he doesn’t want to take the role of fatherhood. He lets the woman rule.
Becoming vs Doing
So we do see a dysfunction too that is playing a role that instead of a dad taking charge and taking control of this family to be the head of the household as Jesus is the head of the church and the church is the bride. Now we see that the woman is becoming the masculine and she is doing all the decisions and we also see that she’s also bittered angry and she’s also overly high functioning because what the Bible is clear it’s becoming instead of becoming the woman is now functioning in her masculine she’s doing all the things we equate doing more about love and that’s why when I look at this dynamics of what is happening in our generation and studying about my life. It’s because women are overly functioning. And that’s why when you’re overly worked, you’re I rate, you’re easily triggered, you’re easily provoked, it’s because you’re not taking care of yourself.
Because we think that loving someone is keep doing and showing up for people and keep on doing acts of service when in fact it’s not biblical. The Bible has the distinction between becoming your character patience. It is your kindness. It is not being provoked, not easily triggered. You are not going to be easily. And why do you think you’re easily provoked? It’s because you’re not resting. You’re not taking care of yourself. You are not feeding your own soul. You’re always looking out for people, especially for women, especially for mothers, especially for wives who are always constantly catering for people’s needs. What can I do for my family? How can I serve them? We have been misguided and we have been miseducated that women have to be at the beck and call of everyone. When in fact, when you read the Bible, that is not love. You are not doing a service for your family, especially to your kids and to your husband.
Cultivating Feminine Energy
When you are nothing to give, when you are empty, when you’re exhausted, when you are tired, when your energy is so depleted that you could no longer show up for the best of your interest, that is not love. when you’re coming out of masculine energy because we thought that loving someone I have to keep cooking and cleaning and doing all these things and here you are exhausted running around without a head like a chicken without a head and you wonder why that we always think that surely if I do this for my family I love them at the cost of what your peace of mind at the cost of what your stab ability. That’s why women are dysfunctional.
Most of us are running out of our dysfunction. We are always easily triggered and I rate and that’s why God would say you need to be still. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly. Let him sit alone and keep in silence. Sometimes as a woman, we have to really get out of the overly functioning, overly acting to serve people in our lives. We have to not be guilty of self introspection and compression. And uh we have to learn to rest when it’s needed. We have to get out of our house if we have to. We have to remove ourselves sometimes for our own family because we need to retreat. Jesus even retreated to a mountaintop. Even though people were constantly asking for his attention. We want more of you, Jesus. Remember what happened to Jesus when he surrounded with 5,000 people? They were running after him because they want more of him. And Jesus said, “You’re not coming because you want to get to know me.
Because you only come after me because of what I can give you.” There’s a point between you said enough is enough. I cannot give you much of myself anymore. There’s a time that you have to pause of too much giving of too much present in the life of people who does not understand that you too is a human being. You’re not a machine. You’re not a human doing. A being is being yourself. Becoming of who God wants you to become. Restlessness equates stress. When you are restless in the soul because you don’t have enough time for yourself, you have no sleep, you’re not properly eating, you are not taking care of your body, you’re not taking care of your heart, you’re not taking care of your mind, and you are always showing up for people who are not willing to reciprocate the same kind of love and appreciation to yourself.
So the next time when your family guilts you up as a woman that you need to rest or take a vacation on your own or maybe go to a spa or get a haircut for yourself, you know what you tell them? I need time for myself. Maybe once a week or once a month if that’s what you need to do with your family. You need to learn to negotiate and demand that you too as a woman need some time off. Because when you read the Bible, it’s all about becoming. It’s about being. It is about knowing that your worth is not contingent upon showing up for people and giving much of yourself when in fact you have nothing remained in yourself. And at the end of the day, when you keep on giving and pouring yourself out to people and you have nothing left for yourself, that’s why you become so bittered, you’re resentful, you’re angry, you’re impatient, and you’re always going to lose your temper.
You Cannot Pour From An Empty Cup
Because here you are, you thought that the more and more you give, the more they love you and the more and more you show up for people, they’re going to appreciate you. But that is not the truth. Sometimes absence gross fonder. Sometimes when you are not constantly there for people, sometimes they will miss out on what you really are and who you really are. But the problem with our society and this is why many women have this misconception that just because I am doing all these things for people especially for my husband or my children surely they’re going to congratulate me or put an honorary for my name or they’re going to put a statue up for my name. Actually it’s not the truth because when you truly read what the Bible says you have to learn how to be long-suffering. How can you be patient with someone when you’re easily triggered? How can you be kind to someone when you don’t have enough rest? How can you not be rude to people when you are depleted of energy?
That is why you must learn as a woman to not feel guilty when you need a break, when you need silence, when you need to decompress, when you need to just be absent in the meantime from your family’s lives. And that is something that you must allow yourself to do. Taking naps in the afternoon, taking a walk outside, going to the gym, getting your hair done, your nails done, I don’t know, whatever you want to do. read a book, journaling, going to the library, museums, maybe cook a meal for yourself. These are the things that you’re allowed to do as a woman. And we think that just because if I’m not doing for my husband, if I’m not going to do something for my kids, I am a bad person, I’m a bad mother, I’m a bad woman or a man, if you’re listening on this podcast, because we need to differentiate between what love really is.
We have to know the depths of love. Love is not just about doing, doing doing, doing doing. There’s a time to rest and there’s a time to always do. Jesus even called his disciples to come with me and go to the mountaintop so we can rest. So we can decompress and to have time for reflection and time for silence. Because as a society, especially the hustle culture right now, there’s so much toxicity out there that the more and more you’re going to show up for yourself and you don’t sleep 8 hours, then you’re never going to be successful. the toxic kind of mentality or the kind of falsehood ideology that they’re trying to sell us that you must grind constantly. You must achieve more. You must always outsmart people and outwork people. At the at what point really, how much can we possibly give and show up for?
What at what point are we going to keep on giving and giving until people are just going to rob us of our peace of mind and heart and no wonder why we are stressed out people. No wonder why we’re easily triggered and we’re always irate. We’re always we don’t know what’s going on. Everybody is just bickering at little things. It’s because you’re not taking care of yourself. And it’s especially what let me continue reading. It says that love does not rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in the truth. So you do not participate in the wickedness of the world. You do not rejoice in justice. Iniquity is about sin. You do not congratulate violence. You do not tolerate nonsense. It bears all things. It believes all things. It hopes all things. It endures all things. And love never fails.
But whether there are prophecies, they will fail. Whether there are tongues, they will cease. Whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. So you can speak eloquently, but eventually it’s going to go away. You can prophesy, but that also will diminish. Your knowledge will also dissipate when you grow older, especially when your mind is no longer sharp. So it also continues about love that for we know to part and we prophesy in part but when that is which perfect has come then that is which in part will be will be done away. Don’t be surprised that people in our lives are going to trigger us. They’re going to poke us. They’re going to test us. And that is why I understand that because we live in the fallen world. We live with a dysfunctional family.
And when if you don’t understand the part where just because a person is giving you $10,000, it doesn’t mean that they love you. It doesn’t mean that people keep shopping for you, but they don’t have understanding and you don’t they don’t have appreciation of what you do and have no sympathy or they cannot empathize with you. That is not love. Love is something that you cannot buy. Love is not something you can put in a box. Love is actually being present. Loving someone is kindness. It’s not going to provoke you. It’s not going to poke you. That’s why Paul said, “Do not provoke your kids as a father.” Do not test people. People who provoke other people are demonic. These are diabolical. Narcissistic people like to provoke people. They like to test you.
And this is nothing short of a manipulative tactic from the narcissist which if you have probably have heard my talk many times before I constantly talk about narcissistic. This is why you need to take care of yourself especially when you live in a dysfunctional relationship when people around you are going to trigger poke you and going to set you up to fail. And unfortunately, they will set you up to fail and they will paint you as the villain because they’re unwilling enough to take accountability of their own lives. But if you know what love is, it says that love never fails. It endures. If you are a person who is loving, you endure trials. You don’t quit on yourself. You don’t give up when life knocks you down because it will.
You’re not going to give up and throw the towel because you believe and you hope and you bears all things. You are not a quitter. You’re not going to just blame people for your bad behavior. You’re in control of yourself. You have autonomy. You have free will which God has given you. And it says that when I was a child, I spoke as a child. I understood as a child. I thought as a child. But when I became a man or a woman, I put away childish things. So this is in verse 11 that when you were a child, you didn’t understand what was happening to you. You thought that by showing up and giving more of yourself. That’s what love is. But actually, now that you’re an adult, you have a better understanding that love is not loving when you have nothing to give. Love is not coming out of a good place when you are not healed from your soul.
Take Accountability
How can you understand people’s wounds when you are not healing your own wounds? You have to come home to yourself. You have to sit with your pain. You have to deal with your trauma. You have to be truthful about your own demons. You have to be able to sit with your mother wounds and father wounds and owned up to it and don’t run away from it. That is what you call adulting. That’s what you call accountability. You’re a child. When you were a child, you didn’t know that you had a mother wound. You didn’t understand that. Okay, that that was happening to me in my life. This is why I have this problem. It’s because what my mom did or my father did. You didn’t understand that then because you were a child.
You didn’t understand that your family were dysfunctional and what they were doing is actually not good because you were a child. You could are really your focus was only school and play because you’re still a child. Your brain was not fully developed. But now you’re an adult. It says that when I become a man, I put away childish things. So ask yourself the question, what are the childish things that you’re doing that are not contributing to your growth? Maybe it’s you lacking accountability. Maybe it’s you running away from your pain and everybody is suffering because of your lack of accountability or integrity or looking within yourself. And that’s why people around you are constantly suffering because of your bad behavior and you’re just going to blame other people for your toxic behavior. And that’s why when you’re a child, you don’t know all these things.
Now that you’re an adult, now you can assess and you can say, “I have to change. I have to make hard choices. I have to make better decisions. Not because you want to prove people right. It’s because for your own good. And when you truly function in love, that’s when it says, “But now we use we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face now I know to be part. But when I should know just as I also am known.” So we see it in our mirror. You reflect in yourself of who you are. You look at yourself in the mirror and you are now aware that what you did not know you know now because you have self introspected about your own shortcomings and your own flaws. And now abide faith, love, hope and these three things but the greatest of these of love.
So if you have actually come face to face to your own reality and to your own demons now you are not going to lie to yourself saying surely this is what love looks like. Love is not just about overly available. Love is not overly functioning. Love is not always overly accommodating to people because that is not the depth of love. You can only truly love someone when you’re coming from a healed soul. When you’re whole, when you have owned up your past, when you have recognized the patterns and willing to break those patterns and willing to demolish those demonic entities that has been lurking within your soul, unless that is not yet dealt with, you are never going to be healed and you’re never going to be able to love yourself and other people.
Love is Active
Love is not passive. It is active actively seeking your own welfare. It is actively participating in your own self. It is not just pouring out of yourself from an empty cup. You must pour something in you so that it’s going to be able to overflow outside into the world. Because if you keep on giving and giving availability for people, you’re just not going to sustain it. It is not realistic. And guess what? You’re going to resent yourself. You’re gonna berate of yourself. You’re gonna beat up yourself saying, “What’s the point of keep on giving and showing for people who could care less about your own effort?” Because when you truly understand, and this is what God revealed to me, the problem with people is that we think that the more and more we are there for people, the more and more we’re going to be appreciated and loved.
You cannot overly love someone when you know that they are blind in the first place. They are not going to reciprocate and understand that this is exactly what love is because they can feel your presence. It’s about the energy. It’s about becoming who you are. It’s about your essence that they feel. Are you calm? Are you poised? Are you composed? Or are you just working and working and working and have all of these errands to do just because you can tick off your to-do list and here you are getting so stressed out. That’s why I always like to say on my channel, you need to prioritize. You need to have your to-do list, but at the same time, you need to pick five at least that you can finish in the whole day. If you cannot do the whole thing today, you can delegate them to someone who.
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