Transcript:
Hi everyone, welcome back to another podcast. Today’s episode is something that I would like to address the white elephant or whatever color you want to picture in your head. Maybe a pink elephant in the room. The mother wounds and father wounds in one.
What better idea for us for us to discuss about the delicate dance between dealing with your mother wounds first of all before 2026 is going to be here. We all want the New Year’s resolution. We would like to lose weight. That is a typical nutrition solution on our list. We like to eat the right food, healthy habits, blah blah blah. However, we cannot really improve physically without dealing with our emotional problem. I’m not saying to hate your mom and dad.
Although we must be able to have a delicate dance between learning that you are not your mother and you’re not your father.
You need to be the one who must change the generational curse. That’s why generational curse breaker is very hard. Most of generational breaker are the scapegoat in the family. They are the oddball, the awkward who doesn’t quite fit in. the misfit because you see the dysfunctional in your family. You see the toxic cycle that no one is brave enough to say, you know what, I will not going to follow what they’re doing and I don’t want to continue their bad choices in life.
1. Mother wounds
Perhaps your mother is one of the kind of mother that I have also witnessed. Unavailable. She was mentally physically absent because she had wounds from the past. So, we have to deal with the mother issues. Why women become dysfunctional? Because they have been abandoned, neglected, cheated on and abused and also they have been married to a passive aggressive men.
History : It all comes down to a human nature from Adam and Eve in the Ede who both fell into sin of rebellion. I heard this before or I’ve seen this a few days ago while I was driving around the town that says, “All history is sex history.” I can disagree to that. I do not agree that all history is about sex history. It’s actually history stems from sin. All history is coming from sin.
S-I- N. If Adam and Eve did not fall into sin, there will be no sexual immorality right now. There would be no women getting hurt and women getting abused and men getting hurt and men getting abused and vice versa.
2. Fatherlessness epidemic
The sad truth: The reason why we have mother wounds is because we have a fatherlessness in our home. And even if you have a father in the home, they’re either passive aggressive like Adam. We can blame it all on our mother. She was absent-minded. She was dysfunctional and she was very narcissistic. Because when we come from a dysfunctional family, they become narcissistic because they have been abused, neglected by men.
The effect of : As I said before, I think I have said it on my past podcast many months ago that when I saw women that have been through divorce, they turned into a different persona. They used to be so loving and happy. You see the twinkling in their eyes before the divorce and before the abuse. Then the ugly side of divorce happens. The ugliness of that bitterness that come out of the woman’s face after they have been through abuse or have been through some being betrayed because a betrayal is something that your heart cannot fathom. It is something that your mind cannot wrapped around it of why in the world would someone would claim to love me till death do we part and we have made our lives together building our lives together. we have children as the fruit of our labor and then turn around and dump me for another person.
3. Woman functioning in masculinity due to
The cause of: The betrayal in itself can really mess up your brain. And therefore, if we really think about it, majority of people that have a mother wounds and a father wounds is because of the Adam and Eve sin. It’s the human wickedness. It is a rebellious. It is the fruit of the sin. That’s why everybody is now dealing with the same consequences, dealing with the same problem from their parents. Unless you of course are the one who is willing enough to say I will stop this cycle. It ends with me and I have to start a new beginning. And you see this many times before especially if you are a person who came from a fatherlessness and your mother is become so masculine because your dad was absent and she has to take on a role as a father.
Women taken too many responsibilities: She has to take care of the children. She has to put food on the table. She has to be those masculine energy. She was always worried about how am I supposed to take care of my kids. And that is why they are very emotionally dysregulated when they’re upset. They are very easily triggered. They’re manipulate manipulative. They’re very controlling because women that have been wounded, they are very afraid of losing their kids the way that they have lost their husband over to a woman. So they become controlling instead of allowing and letting go and just letting nature runs its course. But because they have been afraid that if I’m not going to control the circumstances, I’m not going to control my children, they might also leave me. But actually the more you control a person, the farther they will come away with your life.
So mother wounds also comes with dysfunctional male. Even though your father is also there, but he’s alcoholic or he’s probably have an addiction, a womanizer, a drug addict or whatever addiction that he has been sleeping with. You also have that passive aggressive father.
And so the woman has also to step in and have to carry the role of a of a masculine because some men are passive aggressive. It all comes down to the Adam and Eve. Again, when Adam was asked, “What have you done?” Mind you, God did not ask the woman first because the very rule that God had given was to Adam. When God said, “You shall not eat the fruit of good and evil,” he did not give it to the woman. He gave it to the man. And God expected a man to take responsibility and not be passive aggressive. However, when the man decided to just sit back and do nothing and passive aggressive mentality, he blame it on the woman.
That is why even to this day, we have battle of the sexes. We butt heads on each other. It’s about men versus women. Men came from Mars and women came from Venus.
It did not start from our ancestors. It did not start from us. It’s actually started from the very first creation of Adam and Eve. Man called Adam has been fallen. And Eve, she became the mother now of this world because of her rebellious act.
And this is why you see there’s a lot of struggles between a man and a woman. If a man is making less money than the woman, he becomes very insecure and very felt like I am not a man enough because she’s making more money. Even though the woman sometimes is making money, she become this boss babe and become controlling, manipulative, passive, aggressive man becomes just a a baby, another toddler to deal with. And we have seen this dysfunctional dynamics.
I have seen both spectrum in my life. one spectrum. I have seen that I came from a dysfunctional family too. Fatherlessness of without a dad and my mom was the one who became a dad and a mom at the same time and she was taking on so much responsibility but at the same time she was emotionally dysregulated and exhausted to a point where sometimes she would just checked out and sometimes she would just sleep a lot and I didn’t understand then of why that was. It’s because that was her defense mechanism. When women sleep a lot and they just want to pretend like everything is good even though they’re barely surviving, it’s because they rather want to not ponder on their problem. Sleep is good.
I think when you sleep and you just instead of pondering on the problem and ruminating with the problem, it makes you even grounded when you wake up, you have a different kind of perspective. So sometimes we see that sleep is actually not good when in fact it is probably is trying to calm us down and give us more awareness and calmness in our system.
Another part of a woman dysfunction functioning in masculinity is because also if a man is abusive like I also seen an alcoholic person he was very good in the morning he’s sober he can communicate with you and at night time he keeps drinking and he becomes intoxicated and at that point you cannot communicate with the person so as I said you grew up with this kind of environment in both ways you think to yourself why do people hurt each other?
Why do we choose to be dysfunctional? Why do we choose to keep repeating the same unhealthy patterns? Is because of the lack of awareness. And perhaps we are not brave enough to be courageous and say this has to stop and somebody has to say something. We also don’t want to be painted as the person who is the one who you know when a people are the truth teller. You usually are being told as the problem and but Jesus would say they rather want to be blind.
Let them be the leaders of the blind leading the blind and everybody goes to a ditch because living in denial is better. We don’t want to offend people. Instead of putting people in their place, instead of dealing with our trauma, and instead of dealing with our childhood wounds, we don’t want to address with that issue.
So you see this with people that are addicted to something. They are not willing to change because they are complacent. And when you become complacent to your old comfort zone, that’s why you don’t want to change your thoughts. You don’t want to change your habits. You’re not willing to get out of your comfort zone because it’s comfortable.
It is not okay to be comfortable when you’re not growing.
When you’re becoming dead, might as well be dead. If you’re not growing, literally growing in your mindset, might as well not be here. That’s what I can say. Because what’s the point of having this life? God woke you up this morning to make changes in your life to reset something beautiful than before.
And you know the correlation of the story is from the wilderness of the same Israelites who were going to the same mountaintop 40 years. It reminds me of that when people do not understand the pattern of their parents and they’re not willing to change it. You are just like the Israelites going to the same mountaintop doing the same thing copying the same behavior instead of changing it and you are justifying the bad behavior of your mom.
Even if he is or she is your mother, if she is wrong, I will correct you. Even if you are my dad, if you are in the wrong, I will correct you. It is not about connection or you’re related to me by blood. It’s about being right or being wrong. It’s about being truthful or untruthful. It doesn’t come down to just because blood is thicker than water or family must come first. When your family is outrageously wrong and they are illogical, I will not tolerate that.
And this is why for many of us that are scapegoat, you will become outcasted because you’re the only one who can see the right BS, the BS right through it. And you’re the only one who doesn’t stand it. You’re the only one who is going to say something like, “I will not participate with this dance. I will not going to dance with the same old rhythm that is already old and antiquated. I am ready to move forward.
Breaking cycles.
And if you’re the only one who set the boundaries first of all, you set the boundaries and you limit your time with these people and you just take accountability and you put them into their place, you become the problem. You know why? Because people like to perform. They are very stuck with their old patterns because changing old pattern and habits is very arduous. It takes a lot of maturity and that is why when I see my own self very impatient
I thought to myself where did this come from? It did not originate for me. It did not start with me. Where did my avoidant pattern come from? If you have an avoidant partner and if you are avoidant yourself, an avoidant person is going to stonewall you. He doesn’t talk to you. Instead of addressing the issue, instead of communicating openly, he will just give you a silent treatment.
Communicating effectively shows that you care.
Where did it come from? It’s because your mom did the same thing to you. Maybe your dad did the same thing to you. Instead of knocking at your door and talking to you like an adult and says, “Let’s discuss about this. I want to hear your thoughts. Help me to understand about what you’re going through.” What do they do? They leave you alone and they just let you figure it out on your own. That is not parenting.
That is lack of parenting. I have seen that pattern in my own life that I don’t want to copy.
Glennavelle
So instead of having open communication and says my issue is this, I would like to discuss this. What do you think about this? Instead of having an open discussion, we have managed to have a avoidant mother because she was exhausted of talking to you perhaps because she was already thinking about million things of how I can afford to pay my bills. So how can I feed my family?
And that is why we lack of the communication and connection with ourselves because it starts with our mom and dad. It did not start with us. Our toxic behavior dysfunction it did not start with us. It has started from their mom and dad too. And the pattern just continue on and on and on and on until God knows when it’s going to stop until one day you are so fed up with the same pattern. My anger issues did not start with me either. It also start with the one that wrote brought me up and all this dysfunctional habits of yelling and screaming and just trying so hard to prove my worth and try to perform. It all starts from my mom and dad.
And so you got to be able to understand your own environment, your mom and dad’s pattern and to stop it.
I know it’s very hard because we are automatically doing the same thing and copying what other people’s behavior we copy. We emulate because our parents are our first teachers. Whether you like it or not, they are the first teachers. Education did not start outside. It starts at home. If you were brought up in a toxic, dysfunctional, passive aggressive dad and a mom that is masculine and she is very manipulative and controlling, guess what? You’re going to end up just like that.
And if your mom also made you as the golden child, and it’s sad to see that when a dad is there, but he’s passive aggressive, he’s not involved with you. What happens when a mom, he’s going to choose a a a golden child that’s going to be a a a different side that is going to replace the dad. So this mom that is dysfunctional because the dad is not actively participating. He’s just sitting idly.
So what happens to this dysfunctional mom?
- She’s going to pick a child that’s going to turn on her effort and energy.
- She’s going to make him as the substitute to be the dad.
- And so instead of having the good relationship between a mom and the son’s relationship for instance, he is going she is going to make him believe that she is the equivalent of her husband even though he is not to be the husband.
And we see this dysfunctional too. So this is why how hard and complicated it is for a mom, a toxic and a dad relationship. Everybody has a problem, right? It doesn’t matter if you come from uh fatherlessness. It doesn’t matter if you had a dad growing up, but if your dad was passive aggressive and it’s still just sitting there and doing nothing and your mom is most likely doing all the the decisions making because she’s controlling because of maybe she has to then that is why we see this old pattern and that’s why when a man who was brought up with this kind of dysfunction in the family.
Do not justify bad behavior
We tend to think that I cannot change it. We tend to think like I am stuck with this rut. You cannot really stay with the same excuses of what your parents did. I think people who are unwilling to change is because they just justify their bad behavior. They just say, “I can’t do it. I’m going to make excuses.” And I’m so sad to see that maybe because we have been indoctrinated like this because as I said, it comes from your ancestors. It comes from and it was passed down the line.
And that’s exactly why it says in the Bible, I’m not sure which one it is in the Old Testament, the curse of the father’s father is going to the seventh generation until somebody in that generation will stop it and say and put an end to it and says, “I don’t need to follow or be in the same way as my mom and my dad did.” Do you know why it’s so hard to change your pattern? Is because you choose not to change your pattern. Do you know why it’s hard to chase an addiction? Because you’re constantly feeding it. You’re constantly doing it. It you’re constantly babying it and says it’s okay.
Everybody does it anyway. And that is why we think that changing our pattern from our mom and our dad’s dysfunction is because we think they’re doing good. Also, we think that we’re protecting them. It’s out of disrespect for yourself. When you keep on saying, “Well, I don’t want to disrespect them because I don’t want to come in as a disrespectful person. When your parents are not doing the right thing, it is not being disrespectful. It is actually doing yourself a favor that you’re self-aware that what they’re doing and is not actually working. If your parents are dysfunctional and they’re not helping you grow, that is not something to be respected upon. That is something to be shaking the status quo.
Many people are blinded because they have been manipulated as a child by their parents saying, “If you’re not going to do what I say, even though what they ask of you is wrong and even though what they ask of you is actually dysfunctional and it’s probably going to create more problem in the future, they’re not helping you grow. They’re not becoming a parent. They’re actually are still immature in the head.”
And we have to be able to be the person that says, “I need to be a student of my own life. I need to study my own history. I need to study about my dad’s past, my mom’s past. Why do they act the way that they do? Why do they do what they do? Why do they live the kind of life that they do? They maybe because they have so much issues that they want to address with. But you that are so aware and that you as a person who is mature enough to say I am not going to allow that into my life.
And that is why it takes a lot of adulting. It takes a lot of maturity level to address the issues even though it’s hard because as I said people that are truth teller and a truth seeker that are scapegoat who can see it for what it is without sugar coating it we become the problem because rather people want to be blindsided and says I don’t want to deal with this skeleton I don’t want to deal with this demon I don’t want to deal with this issues because it’s hard I just rather want to be stagnant and get stuck with it until the day I die and so many people do not grow up until the day they die.
They just buried whatever issues they had until the day they die. They don’t want to address it. They don’t want to take the accountability. They don’t want to change and break the pattern of the generational curses. I think if people are were brave enough, the pattern would have been broken by now. But the thing is none of my older people who was willing enough to address it. It’s like religiosity, right? You do the same thing. You go to church every Sunday because you thought that going to church every Sunday is going to save you from hell. So you do your rosary every night and morning, but then you do the same thing. That’s called insanity. You call yourself religious, but your lifestyle hasn’t changed. You are just fooling yourself.
So it’s the same thing with people who keeps on justifying their bad behavior and says, “Well, my mom and dad did it. My mom did this way and my dad did this way. So therefore, probably they’re actually right even though they were not right. And so what happens with religious mindset is the same thing with trying to say I’m just going to follow my footsteps of my mom and dad even though they were wrong but because I don’t want to disrespect them and I don’t want to be out what is it self-righteous.
It’s not being self-righteous. It is about correcting and redirecting the pattern of the old ways. The same thing when the man the man of the prodigal son when he realized realized that he actually splurged his dad’s money and he ended up eating with a bunch of hogs in the hogs pen. He got up and he said, “You know what? What am I doing here? My dad is very rich. I will dust off my feet. I will go back to my dad’s house. I will apologize to what I said.” He repented. That’s what you call metanoia.
A change of mind, a change of heart. He decided to change the trajectory of his future. Instead of getting stuck in the mud with the swine, he said, “I will not be in the swine. I will not be in this mud rolling with the pigs because I know better.” So, if you are not a pigheaded and you don’t want to follow the footsteps of your dad and mom, you’re not proud about it, then do something about it. Change it.
Do not make excuses for their bad behavior. Do not make excuses for their wrong choices. You don’t want to be their you don’t want to cater to their choices and to their fragile ego. You don’t want to cater to the blindness of their heart because you know better. God give you the ability to see it for what it is. But if you’re constantly babying it and catering to their dysfunction and you’re constantly justifying their bad behavior, you are just following their footsteps and you’re no better than them.
And this is why it’s important that as may Maya Angelou I keep butchering her name that says Maya Angelou rather, “People do not grow in the head but they grow old.” Meaning to say I think I just butchered her quote. It’s between those lines as saying people don’t actually mature but they just grow old. They just grow old in their body, but their brain is deteriorating. Their mindset is still like a toddler.
Their mindset is not fully developed. That’s what the Bible is clear. You should by now at the age of 50s and 60s and 70s are able to chew meat. You’re not supposed to keep drinking formula, which is milk from your mother. you’re supposed to be able to mature and teach other younger generation because you’re an adult. But apparently that’s not always the case.
We see people today that have the same body as adults, but they have a mindset that is fragile and a delinquent juvenile. We see this everywhere. You thought that a man or a woman that in their 60s, 70s and 80s, they would have wisdom by now and give us a lot of insight. But that is not always the truth. We have encountered many people just because they are have a mature body it doesn’t mean they’re mature in the head.
So this is the dysfunction that we see. This is where the discrepancy that we as a society must say especially when you came from that kind of dysfunctional family and you’re the daughter and the son perhaps you said I can’t follow that footsteps. I need to do what’s best for my family. I need to do what’s best for my son or my daughters because now that you have a family, God is giving you a restart.
He’s giving you a a start saying now you do have a chance to make it right. If your mom and dad didn’t do right, now it’s your turn. If your mom made the wrong choices and your mom was has failed you in some ways of being a mother. If your dad also failed you being a dad and he was absent and he was actually not present and he was passive aggressive. You have a choice now to make a difference and make that deliberate action so that you’re not going to follow the same footsteps. But the problem with many people is that they are rather want to be stuck. It’s a cobweb mindset.
They want to be the same thing over and over again. They rather want to be stagnant and complacent and hoping for the best that maybe next year it’s going to be different. Why is it that you expect something to be different when the result is not different is because you are doing the same thing. Do not expect an a different outcome when you are just doing the same old nonsense. Do not expect a different result when you are constantly having the same mindset, the same old patterns, the same excuses, justifying your old behavior and pattern.
So do not expect a different result because you’re just actually going on to the same old level mindset of wilderness and woe is me. I’m the victim of my circumstance. I will not ever going to change. This is what it is. It is what it is. Isn’t that what people usually like to say? It is what it is. I can’t change my circumstance. I am the victim of my circumstance. I cannot really have a choice. I rather want to just sit here and do nothing and be pathetic of my life.
And that’s what Jesus said, pick up your man and walk. Jesus did not even bother tolerating the excuse of this man who was stuck for 38 years in the same bed. And when Jesus asked him, do you want to be better? And he said, ‘Well, yes, of course, but every time I want to get into the pool, somebody always jump over me. And Jesus didn’t want to hear the excuse. He said, ‘Pick up your mat and walk.’ And many of us have not been walking. We’re just being lazy is a sin. Anything that does not move because you act like a slug, you are sinning.
And if you think that laziness is not a sin, look at the Bible. God doesn’t tolerate you to just sit idly doing nothing because you’re still alive. You have plenty of time being stuck in the mud someday when you’re dead. That is why dead people cannot move. They’re just now being a fertilizer in the soil today because they’re now 6 feet under. But because you’re still alive, you still have chance to do with your life. But if you’re not willing to do something with your life and that is why it’s pathetic.
So, you cannot wait for some people to change you or break the pattern. You have to be willing participant in order for you to change something with your life. Your mom can’t do it for you because she didn’t do it in the first place. Your dad couldn’t do it because he was unable to do it. You right now it is your time and it’s my time also to change the pattern. It takes a lot of energy.
My god, I have so many times I’ve apologized to my son by yelling because my mom and me come out or my dad and me came out. My impatience, my this anger, this whatever that I have copied from my parents. I had to apologize to my son because I know that healing doesn’t come overnight.
