Transcript:
Hello everyone. Welcome back to another podcast. Welcome to Soulish femme, my name is Glennavelle Manarang. To those of you who are tuning in here for the very first time, as always, I would like to thank you and welcome to this podcast. Today is something to do with lessons learned from surviving abusive people or narcissists.
On my podcast always about healing, prospering bodies, spirit, and soul because we want to move forward onward as we go. We don’t want to be stagnant, complacent, and just remain where we’re at. Because on this channel, God wants us to really thrive and flourish.
As a child of God, He wants us to constantly evolve and not going to just die miserably and still play the victim. There’s a point in our lives, as a reminder, to just pick up your mat and walk.
So there’s a silver lining when everything in your life seems as though it doesn’t change when you’re in an abusive relationship. Going back and in retrospect, I thought that cycle will never end. I thought the struggle is never going to change. I thought I am going to be stuck there for the rest of my life. This is why many people are going to be depressed and they’re going to be apathetic in life.
Because guess what? It is rather hard to move on when you’re in that survival mode. It is hard for you to move forward. Because you are trying to still figure out what in the world is happening. But we are also told in James 1:1-4, “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials.” When you are young, you’re being attacked by the devil. There are trials that will come and go.
Even though you are going through trials right now. Maybe financially, maybe you’re going through some difficulties in your marriage, relationships, in school, if you’re at school. Maybe you have financial problems, and issues with your health. No matter what it is, these are trials.
These are going to be challenges. We are told by Jesus that in this life, you will have tribulation. Trials is another word for tribulation. It is about the challenges that you will face in life.
No matter how old you are, whether you’re young, especially when you become a teenager, that’s exactly when the life is going to get hard. And life is going to test you. It’s going to test your character. It’s going to test your stamina. It’s going to test how willing are you to grow up.
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Because here’s the thing, knowing that the testing of your faith, these are the benefits of having trials and facing the challenges, they produce patience.
They will produce patience to have its perfection. But let patience have its perfect work that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. So that’s the silver lining of being able to go through challenges in life.
So, the lessons that I have learned from surviving abusive relationships and abusive toxic people in my life are:
After you’ve been through trials and you have passed the test, because life is going to test you. People are involved in the testing. This is why God is going to throw people in your life that are toxic, narcissistic, manipulative, controlling, and gaslighters because these are your teachers. Whether we see them as teachers or not. Some are actually going to teach you something about yourself because that is a silver lining.
They are going to teach you about patience. That after you have perfected your patience. After you have passed the test and the trials that you do not give up and you keep going even though the going was hard. You are going to be complete a whole person and you will not lack anything at all.
So, the lessons that I have learned from surviving abusive relationships and abusive toxic people in my life that:
1. Set A Healthy Boundary
One, I have learned how to set boundaries. Boundaries as you have heard me talk so many times on my podcast, because it is truly one of the things that we were never taught as a child. We don’t know what boundaries were. We thought that everybody has a good intention at heart. We thought that we should give people the benefit of the doubt. We were gullible because we were kids. We believe everybody. Just because somebody is nice in your face and they will smile on your face, it doesn’t mean that they have the best motive at heart.
Remember what Judas, a kiss from the betrayer, a kiss from Satan himself. That’s what Jesus was crucified on the cross. One kiss from the enemy. And he was actually taken into custody by the Roman soldiers. And this is exactly why boundaries have to be in place. Boundaries are what you call a fence. This is a protective rope around you. Making sure that there are things in your life that you do not tolerate.
Like when somebody touch you inappropriately and of course you were not taught that, you know. For you’ll froze for you did not understand that it was actually unacceptable behavior. That someone shouldn’t have crossed the line. But because we’re ignorant as a child, and we were never taught that certain things that an adult shouldn’t do to a child. We thought, it was actually acceptable.
Boundaries somehow are going to give you a proper understanding that certain behaviors are not tolerable when people disrespect you.
They lie to your face constantly and they still keep on crossing boundaries. You don’t know how to clearly say, “This is not what I tolerate.” So a boundary is knowing your standard and exactly knowing what is an acceptable behavior and what isn’t.
So, for example, when you live with someone in your life, and they constantly try to test your boundaries, how are you supposed to implement the boundary if they don’t listen? When they don’t really appreciate or respect the boundary that you have in placed? I am not suggesting that you should talk about it or you should nag about it because talking and giving them saying, “I want you to respect my boundaries.” Some people are not going to listen to that.
You show them by action because majority of people look at your action more than they listen to your words. They are governed by your standards by watching how you do things and how you interact with them. So, when people constantly disrespect you, you have to remove yourself from people. You also have to distance yourself from the people who cannot respect your boundaries. Because some toxic people are going to test you. Okay, let’s see if she’s going to budge today. I’m going to test her boundaries. And this is why, when you constantly have an argument with toxic people that goes nowhere.
It will always be this cycle that never ends. It’s always going to be your fault. They’re never going to take accountability, and they’re going to just have this constant dialogue of always blaming me for everything. You know exactly what I’m talking about. So, instead of having that conversation over and over again with toxic people who go nowhere, you have to remove yourself.
There’s a time to speak, and there’s a time to say, you know what, enough arguing with you because it’s foolishness. Because we all know, as the Bible calls it, it’s pointless to argue with foolish people. Because foolish people are incapable of understanding and they’re incapable of listening to what you have to say.
2. Cultivate Peace
So, a boundary is protecting your peace. Sometimes it’s better to be peaceful than right. Okay? I know that as a person, I always want to prove my point. I want you to be in the know that I am actually right. But there are times that you’re just wasting your breath. Especially when you’re dealing with a toxic person who is unwilling to listen to what you have to say.
Might as well talk to yourself or talk to a wall because when you’re dealing with toxic people, they cannot understand what you’re saying. You’re not on the same level. So this is why sometimes being peaceful and removing yourself from unnecessary arguments is better instead of arguing constantly.
3. Learn to saying no
Another thing I have learned is learning to say no. People pleasing is one of the things why we are depleted of our energy. As a woman, especially, we’re exhausted, we’re easily accessible, and always available for everybody. As I told you before, I was a people pleaser. And why do we people please? Because we want to belong. We want to be accepted. We want to be loved by people around us. It has been conditioned especially in our family that if you do such and such for mommy, I am going to love you better. If you show up this way, I am going to support you. So this is why, as a young child, if you have been conditioned to perform and act a certain way.
You cannot say no, even though you want to say no, because you were forced to do so. Because the people around you have been conditioned to make you feel bad. So, I feel really sad before when I say no. I felt this nudge in my spirit that says I shouldn’t say no because people are going to look at me like I don’t have camaraderie or I’m not the most outgoing person. So what do we do? We keep saying yes. When somebody says can you do this for me? I’ll do that for you. Can you please do this and fix this? I’ll do that for you. We constantly try to please people because we want to as I said, we want to belong.
And if we somehow do not belong or we don’t feel like we are being loved by saying no and that’s why we are forced to say yes. But when you become an adult and you don’t have the ability to say no. When you’re constantly accessible for everybody especially when you’re a mom, trying to juggle with household work and you try to take care of your household and your son and your child and your wife and then you also live with your in-laws, and you try to take care of everybody else but yourself.
This is why we’re exhausted, depleted, and you become so nasty. When a woman has no rest, she becomes really nasty. I become really nasty when I don’t have enough sleep. Do not come around me. When I don’t have enough time for myself and I keep on giving and being accessible. Because as I said, as a woman, we have been conditioned to be always available for everybody. You’ve got to be able to come in and serve other people except yourself.
Because as a mother, we don’t get a timeout. We don’t get a vacation. We don’t get paid to do the housework. As a mother, as a housewife, we are like a chef most of the time. We’re a chauffeur driving back and forth our kids, picking them up, dropping them off to school, and we’re a housemaker and a housekeeper.
Of course, when you do all of these things, if you have a chef, it costs money. You’re a chauffeur, it will cost you money too, a housekeeper. But yet some people in our lives don’t appreciate how much work it costs you. Even though you may not get paid for it, it will cost you mentally, emotionally, and physically. Let’s just throw it out there. Being a woman juggling and taking care of her kids, your household, and then taking care of your husband. Let alone you can’t even take care of yourself sometimes.
And then we are actually told to always be available and always show up for everybody. But where are you going to put yourself? So this is why, as a woman, you need to learn how to prioritize yourself. This is my next point.
Continuation on lessons learned
4. Pencil in Self-Care
You need to be selfish once in a while. Self-care is not selfishness. It’s actually self-respect. It is showing yourself that before I can pour my cup to you, I need to pour something into myself. You also need to put yourself first as a woman. Maybe you need to wake up a little earlier than your people wake up in the morning and before your kids wake up in the morning. Or, maybe you can do it at night when your family is asleep. You need to be able to be flexible and have priorities in your life.
What is the first thing that you should do in the morning? Maybe you should at least have a structured routine. You need to have a schedule. You don’t have to be rigid. You can be flexible. For instance, for me, I need to be able to understand, okay, what is the first thing in the morning?
Of course, waking up, making breakfast for my husband if he wants to eat in the morning, you know. Making breakfast for my son if he wants to eat in the morning as well. And then making sure he goes to school on time, dropping him off, and then on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, it’s laundry time. Tuesdays, Thursdays, you know, you get the idea.
So, this is why prioritizing yourself is really knowing your top five priorities.
- You don’t have to do everything in one day.
- You need to delegate some of the tasks. Ask for help around you. If you can’t do them, you’re not going to be given a medal.
- If you ask somebody for help to step up or to step into your place.
I am teaching my son to at least help around the kitchen by washing his own dishes, putting his socks into the bin, or cooking rice.
So, these are the things that you can delegate tasks to the people around you so that the load is not heavily or that’s not overburdened on your plate. This is also the problem with other women, that we could not say, “I need help.” Because we think that, oh my gosh, if I ask for help, maybe they think that I am not going to be useful. I don’t know where we got this idea from.
And another thing of course is that you can also do this task tomorrow. So, if you think that you have five priorities in your day and you couldn’t do everything on your list, you can also put it down for the next day and finish them and show up for them as you promised.
5. Not easily swayed by random opinions any longer
And then of course, another lesson that I have learned is that you now have the alignment, a standard, by not being swayed easily. Because you now have discernment. When you encounter abusive narcissistic people before you’re being swayed, you don’t know which way to go, which is right, and where’s the left?
But because you have been through a lot of abusive, narcissistic people, you do not see them at face value. Now you test every spirit because you’re gullible and you’re dumb. You were still young. This is why many abusive people, they target the young ones. They will target you at a very young age. Why? Because they know that you’re easily manipulated. You’re being easily swayed.
You cannot have analytical thinking yet. This is why most of the abusers will target teenagers. A teenager is a period where you are still hormonal. You are still deciding who you will become in the world.
On top of that, there are predators out there trying to prey on your innocence. And this is why they will try to groom you at a very young age.
They’ll try to tell you a smooth talk or they’ll try to convince you that you are the most beautiful person in the world. Blah blah blah. The lies. But Proverbs 14:15 says, “Only simpletons believe everything they’re told.” The prudent carefully consider their steps. So I don’t want you to be ignorant.
I wish I had me when I was younger, but I never had me when I was younger. Everything I’m teaching to you is because I have learned it by experience. I have learned it the hard way, by reading books, observing people, and learning from the mistakes that I have made.
Glennavelle
So when you read this proverb, it says the simpleton, what is the simpleton? These are gullible women or men. These are people that are not yet developed maturity in their heads. These are the kids. These are children. These are teenagers who have not yet developed the capacity to analyze things and to question whether or not the people around them have the best interests at heart.
Even though you know it’s coming from a deceitful heart, because that’s what the Bible says. Remember what Jesus said, you know them by their fruit. They will show you exactly who they are based on the pattern.
A brief story about my past
So, another thing I have learned from surviving an abusive relationship is that they have patterns. They will show you who they are, like clockwork. Before, I thought it was just maybe they had a bad day. Well, maybe that’s actually because of their bad childhood experiences. You make excuses for their bad behavior.
Yes, I’m not trying to downgrade the fact that every one of us have trauma. I had traumas. If you have known my story, if you have read the book that I have published in 2019, you know that I’ve been through hell. I grew up in a broken home. My mom and my dad separated.
I came here when I was sixteen years old. Let’s just give you an idea. I was molested by my dad at the ages of sixteen, on and off, until I was seventeen. I had two abortions. But I will not give you the whole story about my life. So, you see the picture. Then at the age of twenty-one, I met this guy. I thought he was the greatest and the latest invention since Sputnik. But then I ended up with another abusive narcissistic relationship. And the list goes on and on.
So, you have the choice to either be abusive like you have been abused.
Because, as I said before on my last podcast, narcissistic people are trying to either take you out, or they’ll try to diminish you. But if they cannot do that, they will try to recruit you, and they want you to become just like them. But because we are in a different vibration, we are serving a God of truth, a God of perfection, a God who doesn’t play that kind of victimhood mindset, who doesn’t prey on people. God wants us to be better, not bitter.
So this is the reason why narcissistic people, if they cannot break you down physically, emotionally, or mentally, they will have flying monkeys around you, or they will try to make you just like them. So if you have been lied to, they want you to be a liar. If you have been abused, they want you to become abusive. If you have been molested, they want you to become just like the molester themselves. This is the cycle. This is why the generational curse hasn’t changed, and it’s not ending.
So, you must be the bigger version of yourself. You must be the change maker. You must be the chain breaker in your family, that you’re going to say, “I don’t think so, Satan. Whatever you have meant to harm me, God has turned it around for good.” You must not stoop down and copy the behavior of narcissistic people because, guess what? They don’t know better.
And so, let me read you what 1 Corinthians 2:14 says, "But the natural man does not receive the things with the spiritual of the spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, nor can he know them because they are spiritually discerned. Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of men the things which God prepared for him."
So, we all know that narcissistic people are blind.
Remember what this Corinthians says the natural men, these people they have eyes but they do not see and because of the spiritual things remember we do not wrestle against blood and flesh. Our enemy is not the body or the people. These are people who have been embodied by Satan. Satan has been using people. When we read the Bible, it started from the Garden of Eden. And so the man that are spiritual, they know the spirit of God. But the man who is not spiritual, they are foolishness to him. This is why when you are walking in this world and you look different than the world and the people around you.
Of course, they’re going to say you’re an alien. You do not look like us and you actually are a threat to us because you do not dress like us. You do not talk like us. You do not do things as we do. Because the majority of people are going to want you to conform. They want you to be just like them. But Romans 12:2, remember what Paul wrote? Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Transformation starts in the mind.
It starts in our head and our thoughts. What you’ve been thinking every single day of your life? I know it takes a lot of discipline. This is why in Philippians 4:8 says, “Fix your thoughts on what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable, to think things about excellent and worthy of praise.” Because when we don’t think like godly thoughts, we’re going to think like the world. And we’re going to be just like the world. Like the narcissistic, abusive, manipulative, controlling, gaslighters, liars, connivers, abusers of people, and taking advantage of other people.
This is the difference between a godly mindset and an ungodly mindset.
A godly mindset is about trying to help other people, serving other people, not trying to take advantage of other people. It’s about service. Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. And he taught about humility. He taught that, even though he was the son of God, the King of kings, and the Lord of lords, He knew how to get his hands dirty. Nothing was beneath him. And he actually said, “I became poor so that you become rich.”
Jesus actually did not say you must serve me because I am the King and I am the son of God. But he actually was willing to help other people, especially the needy. He actually was able to feed the hungry, and that’s what he did on this earth. So if you do have that kind of mindset, it’s not all about you. It’s not just about taking advantage of people but it’s actually asking how God has brought you here into this world.
Do not be like them
So lessons that you have learned is also you do not copy the behavior of other people. Because you are now given this knowledge and the awareness that toxic people have taught you, do not be like them. That’s another lesson I have learned. You cannot create two wrongs right. Evil versus evil is going to end in disaster. You could never fix something wrong by giving vengeance towards people and retaliating. That’s why the Bible is clear. Do not avenge yourself. Do not retaliate. That’s what God said. I am a God of justice. All you have to do is stand your ground. Do not retaliate. I am going to pay back whatever the devil has done you wrong.
Let God be God and let him do the dirty work for you.
Instead of you doing it for other people, because that’s exactly what the devil wants us to become. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. He hurt me, I’m going to hurt you back. I know it’s very hard. It’s very hard, especially in this world that we are told to, well, he did you wrong, you must also pay it back. Well, he did this to you, so you have to throw the same kind of whatever it is that he did. This is the tactic of the devil. It is a trap from the enemy himself.
So you have to be aware and be vigilant that the devil wants you to stoop down to this narcissistic, being nasty, and being manipulative. They want you to be just like them. And we know better that this is not going to fix anything, right? That’s why the Bible is clear. That’s why Jesus said, “If your enemy is hungry, feed them. If they’re thirsty, give them something to drink. Bless them and do not curse them. Pray for those who don’t like you. Pray for those who persecute you.
Our flesh, of course, wants to curse our enemy. We want to wish them badly. We want them to die. That’s a witchcraft. That’s actually the devil himself speaking. And we don’t want to be like that. We want to be the person. I know it’s easier said than done. Especially when people have done you wrong time and time again, crossing your boundaries. They’ve been trying to disrespect you. But other times, it is truly going to help you because now you are not bitter, you’re not resentful, you are not going to be just like them.
Because I told you when you have so much resentment in your heart, you have bitterness, unforgiveness, spirit. This is why many people cannot move forward in their life, and they’re actually poisoning their own mind and their own body because they refuse to let it go and let it and give it to God. That’s why Jesus said, “Come to me all of you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” He doesn’t want us to carry grudges. He doesn’t want us to walk around having these big boulders or kind of like having this nimbus cloud over our heads and worried about things, and we are very angry all the time. We’re just not really happy people.
And I think Jesus will be sad if we are not going to be rejoicing because that’s what he said. I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly. And it is the trap of the devil. He wants us to keep on being upset, being angry all the time, unforgiving and bitterness. Now, I’m not saying that you should forgive and have reconciliation. Because forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. It depends on the people.
Of course, when God tells you yes, you can forgive them. Letting go of that bitterness. Pray about these people. But it doesn’t mean that you have to reconcile. There’s a difference between forgiveness and letting people back into your life. When God has not prompted you to let people into your life, there’s a time to let people go and to love them from afar and say, “I cannot be with you anymore.”
There is a time in the Bible when Esau and Jacob had a reunion. Two brothers, if you know, Esau and Jacob. Jacob was trying to amend his past and trying to ask forgiveness from his brother Esau. But they had a reunion for only a few minutes of their time, hugging, kissing, and then they went separate. They separate out of their way because sometimes in our lives, we cannot really be around other people anymore that we can love them from afar and there’s a time to just move on.
And so this is the problem that I see that narcissistic people want us to become just like them. And but because we are not we are not ignorant by the ways of the devil. We are not ignorant by the tactics of the enemy. The enemy wants us to become really enslaved by the traps of his lies. He wants us to believe that people are truly going to get you and actually you deserve to get them back. You know, it’s that kind of a lie that he wants you to become someone embittered. But have you not seen it?
Do you see people that are bittered happy? Do you see them thriving in life?
Because they’re not. The people that are full of resentment and bitterness, they are the most miserable people in the world. You can see them on their faces. You can see them in their eyes. They don’t have peace in their heart and they have addictions because it’s the survival mechanism. They cannot thrive. They cannot grow and they cannot create. Because instead of creating something, how can you create when your mind is restless? When you have no peace.
This is the reason why the devil wants us not to be in creative creativity because he wants us to constantly thinking about, “Oh my gosh, this person did this to me. I can’t believe he did this to And there’s a replay in your head constantly telling you, “Oh my gosh, he’s she’s so bad or he’s so bad. I can’t believe he said this.” If you’re occupying your mind of what the person said or did to you and that’s the much time that’s how much you occupy your mind and you’re wasting your time doing that.
This is why stop narrating is stop internalizing every word and everything that the person did to you.
Because that is the time when Satan is trying to distract you and is trying to make you believe that you are helpless that there is no more hope for you and so you’re just going to stuck in the mindset of woe is me my life sucks you know my my freaking life is over and you’re going to be dramatic about it and that’s what happens and he wants you to stay stuck and he doesn’t want you to create.
Might as well, do not internalize every damn thing in your head. I used to do this when I was younger. You know, I was catastrophizing everything. I was personalizing everything and I would always try to replay the bad conversation in my head.
At one point, you’re just going to say to yourself, “It’s a waste of my time.” Instead, do something with your hands. Write a book. Read a book. Journal. Sing. Dance. Create a garden. Reorganize your space. Walk outside in nature. I don’t know. Do something. Podcast. Create a YouTube channel. Who knows?
