Episode #22 – A Student of Life

Transcript

hi everyone welcome back to another podcast, Soulish femme, real talk with Glennavelle Manarang episode #22. Today is the on going evolution of a woman series and the title of the day is “A student of life.” So you are never going to reach the final destination. It doesn’t matter how old you are, you are going to constantly learn about life and relationship. So in today’s topic is about teaching you from being single to being a married woman. I am not an expert by any means but this is based on my observation and experience as a woman. So I’ve talked about being single, live your life and learn how tobe okay of being alone. I really think that there is no better way to understand who you are as a woman by living on your own for maybe six to seven years.

I had a privilegeof living by myself for a longest time and I think God was preparing me because fast forward, you will not know the kind of man you’re going to get married into. Because people change for the best or for the worst. I’m not saying that I have the worst kind of a man that I’ve married but sometimes, if you are not really sure of who you are and what you stand for as a woman you are going to be too dependent upon your husband or your spouse’s happiness. Because this a study that you have to learn about yourself that there are times that your husband or your partner is not going to be always available. And we somehow as a woman think that our life must revolve around them. So some women, they just give up their life altogether. They have fully surrendered who they are and they think that my husband and I are going to do things together like we’re going to have the same pair of shoes.

We’re going to have the same colors, always matching together. Or if he loves to you know play sports or play basketball. Then I should have to go around and follow him around or like I don’t know the kind of things that women give up on the men. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be you know interested about the kinds that he’s interested about but apparently you cannot also let go of yourself. Because we have learned that a man is never going to change but we think that we can make a man change that he’s going to be a project but when you grow up and you become a married woman, you realize too quickly that men unless they become the Lord Jesus Christ. They cannot be changed only God can change a person. There are two kinds of men the first one is Adam. I talk about Adam on my channel because we have to understand that a man unless he becomes the Lord Jesus Christ. He will never change and it takes a miracle for that man to change. He becomes a reborn man are generate man but unless he’s born again. He’s always going to be the first Adam.

Who is the first Adam? First he is a passive aggressive. He does not really like to do anything without telling him what to do. He doesn’t know how to initiate and especially when a man is broken and he’s been wounded from the past and he’s an avoidant man. This is why you think that you’re always the one who’s going to initiate and always going to show up in the relationship and trying to lead in a relationship. Because you don’t understand that men in their pubesence, some of them are not going to grow up and mature. It takes them a longtime to grow up. They’re like wine. This is why for some women they become frustrated and no matter how many times they dump this man and they go a different man and they have the same problem all over again. Because we are not taught that a man is actually not going to grow up until God makes them mature and change on the inner self. Because change doesn’t happen on appearance. It doesn’t matter if a man goes to the gym, build his muscle and buy lots of toys or guns, it doesn’t make him a man.

A man will become a man when he takes out the childishness. What does the Bible says? When I became a man. I spoke like a man. I thought like a man and I put away childish things. So majority of women, they come into this relationship and they expect a man to do things for them and to make them whole and to give them happiness and to depend all of the things, you know. If I could just show up everything for a man and do everything for him. Surely he’s going to love me more and appreciate me more honey that’s not actually the truth. I have learned from the worst experience that sometimes when you’re too available for a man, heis going to just not gonna see you as valuable. Men loves to challenge themselves but if you’re always available. You don’t know what you love to do with your life. You don’t have hobbies. You have no interest and you have actually let go of that self. You will become frustrated and you become so clingy which is sometimes men are appalled or they do not see you as attractive because you’re too clingy and needy and that will make them repel from you and they will just ignore you. So you have to learn from me that when you really want to be a student of life.

First of all, study yourself. You have to at least, if you’re still young, have the time to live on your own apart from anyone else and to just truly understand who you are as a woman what you’re about, your likes, your dislikes, your flaws, your strengths, and your weaknesses. Live your life the way that you should live your life and prepare yourself of being a wife material by learning how to cook the basic cooking, perhaps and learning about money and not depending upon your husband on paying off your credit card bill. Sometimes when you have $25,000 of debt which I did before and I promised myself before I got married I was never going to carry this debt into my marriage which was $25,000. So these are the things that as a single woman that you have to learn. Secondly, you have to be okay with being alone because as I said, your husband is not always going to be there. Because some men, come home from work and they’re too tired sometimes to talk to you to engage, to you, and they just don’t want to be bothered.

Because I know this for sure that a man love to just come to you when they need something men usually are going to interact with you when they want to have starvation. They are starving with sex and they’re actually starving when they’re hungry and when they want something from you. I know because I have an 11-year-old boy and he just very happy on his own, in his on his bedroom left alone, don’t tell him what to do. Don’t ask him for a favor and he’s just going to play his video games and when he’s hungry, he comes out of his bedroom and he tells me that he’s hungry and then when he’s satisfied he goes back to his bedroom, right. So this is why I know that a man, when they grow up, they’re the same thing. They will not going to bother you unless they want something from you. Now if you’re a woman and you’re married and if you can provide your husband food and a good you know intimacy and also sports. If you also pretend like you like what they watch on TV even though you’re not a sports fan, perhaps. I happen to love sports so I really have no problem of sitting with my husband in the couch watching football or basketball. Because I do love sports but for some women who could careless about watching sports.

But this is why I really think that if you can give those three basic things to a man and meet them half way I mean I think the oyster is going the world is going to be your oyster and he’s going to just I don’t know maybe adore you and treat you differently but this takes along time for me to understand how a man thinks a man is usually not that complicated. They’re simple as I said, if you just meet those three basic needs. They’re actually going to show up everytime and give you the time of the day sometimes. Another thing as a woman that you have to learn. They’re not a mind reader. I don’t know why for some women, we expect a man to know and read what we’re thinking honey. They’re not mind readers. You have to be able to be okay to tell them how you feel and what you ask the. Or what you expect them to do so. Some women they were like I don’t know I’m just going to wait for him to come to the bedroom even though Iwant him to touch me or kiss me or to make love to me I’m going to wait for him to just initiate. As I said, men sometimes some of them and I’m not saying that all of men.

Some men, majority of them are like children. They have to be told what to do. If you don’t tell them what to do. Don’t expect them to show up for you. So if you want your husband to kiss you or hug you or to have intimacy with you then maybe sometimes, it’s okay that you ask him like “I want you to come into the bedroom. I want you to just spend time with mefor 20 minutes.” They need clarity and direction. This is why some women they become frustrated and they’re waiting and they’re waiting for their husband or their partner to show up and if they don’t show up. Of course, we become so angry and we become frustrated and we think like they’re just so selfish because some of them are, right. Some of them are really selfish because as I said, they are been so used of being left alone until they need something from you. Then that’s exactly when they’re going to come to you because I have learned that from my own child. He’s a boy. If he does not need to eat, you’re not going to be hearing from this boy so does my husband too. If he doesn’t need something from his wife. He is happy sitting in the couch watching TV until the cow comes home. Do you understand what I’m saying?

So this is the reason why Peter advised women “to be quiet and to have a gentle spirit hidden person of the heart.” Remember what Peter said in one Peter somewhere, you got to look up the verse that says a woman not only adorn themselves on the outside appearance, they should not only take care about the hair, the braided hair, the jewelry of how they look but they also have to learn how to cultivate the hidden person of the heart. Peter was advising women, you got to learn how to do what quietness. Nagging and controlling your husband and berating him and telling him over and over again is not going to change him is not going to make him love you. Or treatyou better because the more and more youare going to nag and berate your husband.

He is going to just drive himself. You’re going to drive him crazy and it’s going to create tension and it’s going to really just make him detach from you and run from you. And next thing you know, he’s not going to be involved as much as you want him to be involved. So you probably also have to be gentle which is very hard to do. For some women, gentleness, doesn’t come easily especially when we have been functioning in our masculine energy. We have been taught that you must be a woman a boss babe. You must be talk like a man and you have to demand like a man but when you actually are dealing with your husband when he is a fragile man and he is very highly sensitive you cannot talk to him that way. I know because I’ve also learned the hard way that there are certain tone of voice that I speak to my husband that it drives him crazy and he cannot really reciprocate with me. He doesn’t really listen to what I’m saying when I’m already yelling and screaming when I’m already frustrated and he can hear it from my voice and the tone of my voice is very disrespectful.

I have already made him drown me out and he will not going to entertain that kind of conversation so this is why one of the things that as a woman we have to learn is being gentle and the tone of our voice matter. It’s not just how we deliver the message but how we also speak to him as a child. How do you speak to your own son? How do you speak to your own children? You also talk to them in away that they should understand by talking to them like children. Apparently, some men have not grown up and they are just like children. So we have to teach them and talk to them like one because not to say that they don’t understand you logically but sometimes when you are yelling and screaming and you come on with the kind of energy that is from a man. He will actually tune you out at that time. He is not going to listen to you or even bother understanding of what is coming out from your mouth because he feels as though he’s being attacked and you are coming to him very disrespectful like a man. Because what happens if you come to a man with that kind of tone.

There will be a fist fight and there’s going to be an ugly violent coming from that man because we as a woman. Sometimes I know it’s very hard and it’s something that I have to be mindful of how I talk to my husband and how to really talk to him without very demeaning and disrespectful. And another thing that you have to learn as a student of life and relationship is that you have to find hobbies and you need to learn how to find an aspiration that you love to do. If you want to read a book and you like reading a book then do that and you cannot expect your husband to love books. Just because you love books, if you happen to love movies like chickflick and romantic movies and your husband is not into it or your relationship, your partner is not into it. Do not expect him to watch the samething and you’re going to have your hurt your feelings get hurt because your husband is not watching the kind of shows that you’re watching.

This is what I said, you got to learn how to separate yourself from your husband sometimes. You have to have your own life and live your life because you cannot just allow your husband or your partner that you have to do things together and if it’s not goingto be together something’s wrong with your relationship. We cannot really allow the world to define what marriage is allabout. When the world is actually lost and they have no idea what it is. This is why the Bible is clear and I’m going to say it that the woman was supposedlymade for a man and not a man made for the woman. I am not saying that a woman was made to be a doormat or inferior to a man or superior to a man but she’s an equal partner. What does it mean when God said, “A woman was made for the men which means to say she is going to be his challenger and his guide and the crown of life. Actually in Proverbs it says that a woman is going to be the crown of hir husband’s head and she’s going to lead him. What is a crown? The crown is a jewel that sits on a man’s head that’s going to be adorn him and going to help him grow and see his potential as a king. I know that in this world we are not really taught as a woman of how to become a feminine and how to become a man’s wife or how to treat him the right way.

Because we live in this feminist movement that a man is supposed to be, I don’t know invaluable or they don’t have any voice whatsoever. We have disegraded a man to a point where we’re no longer going to value him but we do need men because without a man, we cannot really have a better place to live in this world. Who’s going to defend you and going to create all the buildings and the construction worker? Men usually do the hard work and the lifting of the heavy objects. So this is why when we know what a man thinks and how he thinks and how to communicate him rightly. I’m pretty sure there will be less divorce in our generation today but we are not taught this way okay and I’m doing this for you as your sister or as your mother. If you’re younger than I am because these are the things that we are not taught in this basic world because we’re told like if a man doesn’t show up for you and if he doesn’t do these things and then you just have to leave and get a divorce and find another one and then you’re just going to find out the hardway that you have the same problem with another man because the problem is actually not people it’s not about how they treat you.

It’s not about what the choices they’re doing for you. It’s actually you. You have to be okay with being uncomfortable, of being alone and learning sometimes that your husband may not like what you like and he may not watch what you watch and he may not do things that you want him to do. These are just the things that you have to be okay. When two people come into this marriage, it doesn’t mean that you have overlook what you wanted to do before or forgotten about a piece of yourself. The problem with this idea is that some women come in into a relationship and they think that they have to forsake their individuality. No, it’s like what the analogy that says that you come into like a two pairs of shoes. It’s actually the left and the right pair but both of you are whole. The other one needs the other and the other one also needs the other, otherwise; you cannot have two left foot right or two left feet. You got to have at least one. It is okay with being alone and sometimes if you guys come together as one then it’s wonderful but at the sametime, you cannot just have your life crumble and your life revolves around a man just because he actually happened to be your husband or your partner that you have completely forgotten about who you are.

This is why when you know who you are and you’re so comfortable of being okay to travel alone without your husband or going shopping without your husband or going to buy something at the market without your husband and you’re okay with that because you have learned to be okay being independent. Being independent in a marriage is okay. It’s not really a bad thing. It only happens because we think that being independent and sometimes being self-sufficient as a married woman is a taboo or somethingthat we shouldn’t embrace. When in fact, it’s actually the time when you’re maybe your husband can love you more and he can appreciate you more because you have your life apart from him, miss independent. You’re not just relying upon him and keep on just checking on him like you know maybe I should do this often. I should show up because I have learned it too and I’ve seen it based onother people’s stories that they’ve always been there for their husbands and they catered to him and they loved him and bought him a lot of stuff and they actually treated him just like a son or a boy and it end up as though you would thought that the man would cherish this woman because she was always there and he ended up cheating on her and hurting her time and time again.

So as a woman, it’s not guarantee that even if you bend over backwards for a man, even if you give him your whole heart, body, and soul, there is no guarantee that a man is going to treat you right and that he’s not going to cheat on you because I have seen it in my own life. Maybe not seen it but I have heard countless stories that these people. The woman was very affectionate and she was loyal and she did everything for this man and it turns out after how many years of marriage, he still cheated on her and he still had an affair with another woman. So this is why I said you got to learn how to love yourself and to be able to not let go of that very essence of you the day you said I do. Do not lose sight of you as a woman. Do not lose sight of your aspirations and your goals and hobbies even after you got married. Do not let go of yourself just because you’re now a mother and you have now children to raise and you have a husband.

You cannot possibly let go of taking care of yourself and really learn about yourself and learning about life and what it is that you want to do because you got to evolve as a woman. As I said, looking back I am not the same woman as I was. I could look the same right now, I probably have aged but the things that I used to tolerate for me right now are non-negotiable. I have learned that there are things in my life that are non-negotiable that I have to stick with that kind of perspective and that kind of principle because as a woman you become older, you become wiser hopefully. Not like you used to but this is why you have to learn to love yourself and to invest in yourself because if a man somehow goes away and he is going to leave you for another woman, you’re going to be okay and you’re not going to be depressed or you’re not going to crumble and die or and say “How am I supposed to live without you? How am I supposed to breathe without you?” Because we don’t want to have a pathetic kind of a woman. God actually would always tell you to always be bold and be courageous. He never give us this idea that you know just because a person doesn’t stick around then your life has ended and you’re going to crumble.

Of course, people are going to hurt you no matter what whether they going to do it intentionally or unintentionally but that’s why life is unpredictable. Relationships are not guaranteed that it’s going to last marriages are never guaranteed it’s going to last it doesn’t matter if you’ve been married with this person for 13, 15 or 20 years. You don’t know because people can change in a blink of an eye but at least you have yourself intact and your identification and your identity is not dependent or contingent upon a man just because he is actually your husband and you’re going to completely forget about yourself. And this is one of the mistakes that as a woman is making you know they’re always checking on their husband and they’re always like “Where are you?”Like always monitoring them of when you’re gonna come home and if you don’t call me, my life is falling apart. I’m just going to sit around in the freaking chair and waiting for you to text me and I’m waiting for you to call me and if you don’t call me, if you don’t text me the whole day, I’m thinking that maybe you don’t love me. Or you don’t care about me.

It’s really pathetic. It just shows you that you have no life as a woman instead of having the whole day thinking about yourself of what you can do. Maybe you should start organizing your closet or maybe you should start a hobby that you’ve been thinking about. Maybe you should read a book or maybe you should take a nap or maybe you should start a podcast or maybe you should have a video instead of doing all of those things to make you grow as a woman. What are you doing you’re glued in your cell phone? Waiting for your husband or your partner to call you or to text you and if he doesn’t do that then you’re going to have all this imagination in your head. Thinking like maybe he’s having an affair or maybe he doesn’t love me or maybe he doesn’t care about me and then that creates a lot of havoc in your relationship. It shows how insecure you really are because your life is revolving around that man and that man is just a man Lauralei.

That man will only going to show up for you, when he wants to as I said, a man will show up when they want something from you. Do you understand? These are the basic principle that as a woman, a student of life, you must constantly be a student of yourself and learn about people and their behavior and their pattern because the only one that you can change is you and the only one you have control is you. You cannot control anybody else. The formula is you. You have the full control of your happiness, your destiny, and you have the full control of how you responds to things and how you create the life that you want. But waiting and expecting people to fill your tank up and to make you whole as a person is a waste of your time and energy. And that’s why you shouldn’t leave it out for people because majority of people are also broken and they’re also lost and they’re also need a lot of guidance. So you must be the bigger woman here and you must be a woman who must show up for herself day in and day out. And it’s okay that sometimes, maybe your husband is too tired to have the time in a day for you. It doesn’t mean that the man doesn’t love you or the man doesn’t really care for you but because maybe he has not yet mature.

He is still in his pubesence that some of men are still stuck in. They’re still trying to figure out what underwear to wear of what kind of clothes they should wear or not okay. These men sometimes are needing of a mother who needs to be told of what to do because as I said, men are like fine wine, it takes them a long time to grow up and mature in their brain. Unlike women, we grow up too fast. We actually mature as fast unlike men some crawl like turtles and we’re already like fast like cheetahs. We already have things done in a day but for them, they’re like I don’t know what to do maybe I should eat or maybe I shouldn’t eat. So this is why men as they say are from Mars and women are from Venus. We are not wired the same thing and the sooner you understand this about men’s brain, the happier you will be. I’m not saying that I have it all figured out but as far as I know, this is what I have observed about my own relationship about men.

Another thing is also sometimes as a woman it’s okay not to fill in the gap of always talking incessantly. It’s okay not to always have that chatter and always overly communicative and always overly sharing your thoughts and talking out loud or whatever you’re blinging or complaining because your partner, your husbands are not a therapist. They are not your girlfriends who can listen to your complaint and your saga and your drama, if you need someone to talk to, talk to yourself like myself, out loud in the mirror, journal maybe call your mom, your sister, your friends that are girlfriends because they are made to listen to your venting because men are not equipped to listen to women’s venting and complaining.

Unfortunately, they will tune you out and they are not interested. I know too because my son has the same tendency. When I start complaining about life, my son just tune me out. He doesn’t listen anymore because men are not wired to be your therapist unless they’re getting paid to do it but if you just want to vent of course I’m not saying that you shouldn’t tell your husband about your own struggles but you have to minimize it to a point where it’s not incessant or it’s not always constant. So I will leave you with have faith, be bold, be brave, and be courageous. I will see you on my next podcast. I hope you have learned from this new episode today. I will see you next time. Have a nice day!